Posted by sunny10 on April 1, 2005, at 9:38:44
In reply to Re: Hello - New here, posted by NightStar72 on March 31, 2005, at 16:27:07
I am glad for you that the financial side of things is shaping up. My gut reation to your ex's view on the housing is that maybe it would do a world of good for him to have to live apart from you for a little while. Sometimes we need to miss someone for a little while before we remember the good parts about our relationships.
Things may be rough right now, but they weren't always this way; you weren't always feeling this way- maybe this will give him a chance to recall the better, happier times and be more willing to do his part to fix what is broken right now.
Sometimes it is hard to see the forest while mired in trees...
There is a lot to be said for doing your own changing. I am currently reading a book about how one person can make a two person relationship better all on their own. I can't remember the title right now... But the point of the book is that when couples have arguments over and over, it becomes like playing a part in a play. We say or do things the same old way and they respond the same old way, or vice versa. The premise of the book is if you can make some changes as to how you deal with stresful situations, you can teach yourself how to "act" instead of how to "react". The idea is that if you change your lines in the play, they can't respond the same old way, they'll have to find a new way to respond also. And hopefully a new way of communicating will enter the relationship and help fix what is wrong...
As I said, I am currently reading it. I have been "talking the talk" so far (gotta admit that I am doing a little more burying of my feelings than is healthy instead of working through them like the book suggests) and actually the tension IS beginning to ease between us. My personal tension is high- but that's my fault for not dealing with the issue itself (the WHAT I'm reacting to)- but I'm working on it! It's a start...we are arguing less.
This is the CBT part that is prevalent in therapy today. "Act like you're happy and you'll become happy"... it's over-simplification, of course, because we all need to get to the bottom of the underlying issues which make us unhappy. But one thing is unfortunately true out there in real life... "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone". I use that cliche because it has serious ramifications within our relationships. When I am morose, my SO doesn't want to spend time with me- when he doesn't want to spend time with me, I think he doesn't love me anymore- when I think he doesn't love me anymore, I get more depressed.... it can be a vicious cycle.
So I put on my happy face with him and MAKE SURE that I leave myself enough alone-time to experience my true feelings and make my sad faces, et cetera...
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHh, sunny10 has now babbled a whole lot about her life, and opinions, and what she's trying to make work.....
As usual, take out of it what you feel may work for you and disregard the rest... Just know that I share because I truly want to help... I'm just human, though, and what I'm trying to accomplish may not be what works to make you feel better- but I'm trying the only way I know how...
poster:sunny10
thread:477865
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050330/msgs/478456.html