Posted by CatFanatic on September 19, 2004, at 15:45:26
PTSD is normally associated with a traumatic event which people relive over and over again, and anything that remotely reminds them of the event triggers the pain and anguish.
In my case, it is dozens of events, encounters I have had with people. Getting heckled while giving a speech at school is a big one. Watching a tv show that takes place in high school will set me off into angry , painful memories. I completely skipped an episode of DeadZOne, one of my favorite shows, because an episode took place in a high school.
I remember talking with my racist fooball player roommate in college about religion. I stated religion started as nature worship ad evolved from there. However, he started screaming at me with great anger" have you ever read the Bible!!!!!?" Well as I usually do, I try to disarm the situation as a result of numbness and lack of assertiveness, so I responded no. Well of course I read the Bible, and even went to Catholic school for 3 years. Ever
since then, if I see a commercial for a religious movie, or a debate by scholars or newspeople on religion, I get this angry , frustrated feeling and I relive that moment over and over again. This was 17 years ago. Can't get this out of my head.ANother incident. One time that same roommate received a package from his mom. I smiled at him, happy for him. However, he yelled with great anger at me: "What are you laughing at? Doesn't your mother show you love and attention and send you packages!!!!" Well to make matters worse, I nodded my head in agreement and stuck my head in a pillow. Also to make things worse, he was with his basketball player friends, and he gave me weird dirty looks. I DID NOT laugh. I just smiled. And of course he knew I received packages fro my mom. he also did the same thing to me when I smiled whn he received a letter from his mom.
Now, 17 years later, everytime I smile at something which I find amusing or pleasurable, even if it is thinking about what my cat did, this memory comes up. An intense flood of anger andfrustration. i relive revenge scenarios over and over again. I wish I had told him "Hey orphan boy you are just jealous becasue I have real parents that love and care for me. Your slut mama doesn't love you enough to even tell you who your real father is. You don't even have a real family." Etc. I'm easy prey. How could this cracker even think for a moment that my mom doesn't love me.
Another thing to make the above incidents worse. A `year after, this racist moron came up to me to say hi, smiling ,acting friedly. Of course, being the sap and sucker I am, I responded in kind. I relivie hes moments over and over again. I wish I had told him off. i feel as though he had gotten away with somwthing that he shouldn't have.
This is just the tip of the iceberg. I thik a lot of this has to do wit hthe fact I am Asian, and whites thik that I am subhuman. Lots of racial slurs.
Any method, self method, to deal with this type of PTSD? I am always being someone's emotional bitch. I can never fight back, I do the opposite and agree with them. Dale Carnegie is a freaking moron. Isn't that what he preaches????? Agree with the abuser so he will like you? Huh????????WTF?????????????????????????????????????????????My former crook shrink told me to read Dale Carnegie's book. Well I had gone through life doing that. Well no one liked me. I can count on one hand the number of friends I have had. I can't make any friends . Ilived in dorms in the most densely populated city in the country for 3 years. Because of extreme APD and SAD and depression, I oculdn't make any friends. I have the WORST body language. My facial expressions show extremem depression, unremitting tension and anxiety.
poster:CatFanatic
thread:392679
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040914/msgs/392679.html