Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 8:32:59
In reply to need to rant, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:32:29
Babble is great for ranting. :)
Boy, I identify on so many levels.
My deadline oriented job requires that I act like your husband sometimes, thought I probably don't get as much done. :) I lock myself in my study with my work, and except for loving up my son and playing games with him sometimes (which is partly to account for why I don't get as much done), I just really want to be in there by myself. Sometimes I don't even bother to eat and put off going to the bathroom as much as possible. It *is* stressful.
My husband drives me crazy sometimes too, and I feel guilty for not contributing more, too. I'm at about 25 hours a week when I used to be 50. I don't contribute all that much, cashwise, to house necessities - especially after Dr. bills, meds, and therapy. I wonder if he doesn't resent me for this. Or if it doesn't make the pressure on him worse.
And my dad was in the same deadline oriented job I have, and his black moods were often (though certainly not always) correlated with deadlines. I'd be afraid to go around him.
If this is a temporary thing, can you pretend to be single until it's over? I think that's what my husband does. I have a set number of things that I know I'm supposed to do and I do them. Other than that, he knows that I might not even notice when he comes in to kiss me goodnight. I might smile vaguely at him and quote something from what I'm working on intead of saying "good night". It's not permanent, so he's willing to do that part time.
My husband is a different case. He's very high energy and driven, in his own way. There's nothing I can really do about that. But the best thing I *have* done is encourage him in his desire to go exercise two or three times a week. He feels like he's accomplishing an important goal, and he's one of those people who genuinely *does* feel more relaxed with regular exercise.
Is it possible to talk to him about this when the iron is cold? It probably wouldn't help to talk about it while he's working or while he's frazzled from working. But when this stress passes or on a rare free Sunday, is it possible to ask him about it, angling it to be from his side? How you know that his work is stressful right now, how you appreciate all he's trying to do, (maybe how you feel worried about not doing more), and whether work will remain at this stress level indefinitely. If it will, maybe he would like to take a good look at his career. It's hard to enjoy the fruits of your labor in the conditions he's under, and his long term health and well-being are more important than his earning potential.
Probably not enough listening and too much advice, and I apologize. Seeing as I'm in work mode right now, emotions are on a backburner and problem solving at the fore. :)
Dinah
poster:Dinah
thread:381995
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040820/msgs/382049.html