Posted by fallsfall on December 10, 2003, at 10:47:44
I've decided that I'm angry. I'm the one who doesn't "do" angry. It's not just that I stuff it when I get angry - I am so proficient that I honestly don't have a clue that I'm angry at all.
Today, I know I'm angry.
I'm angry at my old therapist for letting me down. I'm angry at the woman I depended on before that for not being strong enough to handle my dependency. I'm angry at my old boss for asking me to do something, refusing to help, and then telling me I did it wrong (he's the only one who I have been conscious of anger towards). I'm angry at my daughter for learning so effectively to be passive aggressive (her dad is a pro), I'm angry at myself for being passive aggressive.
But I have no experience with anger. It wasn't allowed when I was growing up. Nothing could be wrong in my house. If something was wrong, we just pretended that it was fine. I'm not ready to hit pillows.
I'm trying to stop punishing myself by living in an environment that I hate - dirty, trash around, no food to eat. I'm making a recipe that I will eat every day, and it will last a week. I'm trying to get myself to clean the back porch of snow, so the dogs aren't tempted to stay on the porch instead of going out into the back yard. Then I need to shovel my walk (the snow stopped Sunday). That's all I'm promising for today - I have to take a shower and work for 4 hours.
If I have more energy, then I'll sweep the trash up and try to sort through the grime, rescue things that we need and throw the rest out.
I have so many things to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I need more time.
I need a hug.
poster:fallsfall
thread:288359
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20031207/msgs/288359.html