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Oh God am I up/ fallfsfall

Posted by kara lynne on September 16, 2003, at 1:04:06

In reply to DON'T CALL HIM! Good night, Kara (nm), posted by fallsfall on September 15, 2003, at 22:57:54

I'm so out of control. I just can't be alone. I was ok during the day, had a meditation class in the evening. On the way home it swooped down upon me like a vulture, I picked up the phone and dialed his number. I listened to the message but hung up. It may register on his cell phone that it was my number.

I am doing everything I can possibly think of. I am really almost ready to give up. I don't even know what that would mean--I give up and actually call and *beg* him to love me? It's kind of laughable if it weren't so tragic.

I think he's with someone else, and that's triggering every infantile shred of survival jealousy known to mankind. It's ripping me in shreds. I literally pictured my heart ripped out today, and kindly asked spirit if I could have it back. I pictured it being put back inside my own body where it belongs.

But somehow it's the idea 1) that he's finally saying sayanara 2) he's saying it's because of my letter which illustrated how miserable I was--meaning if I had just been *less* miserable, maybe he would have tried harder and 3) he's with some happier, younger woman who will stoke the fire of his desire once again--and nothing is stronger than that pull. It's enough to make me want to---I don't even know how to finish that sentence. I think I'm so enraged beneath this. I just can't contain these feelings.

These men leave their wives all the time, to trade them in for newer, better models. As a woman I am entirely dispensible.


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poster:kara lynne thread:260451
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030913/msgs/260530.html