Posted by kara lynne on March 1, 2003, at 17:30:20
Please excuse me, for I am about to feel really sorry for myself: I feel contaminated and pointless. I wish I could just evaporate. I feel like I'm weighed down by a ton of bricks of failure. I'm too old now to ever have what I want in life. The irony is when I was 19 years old I did Life Spring (an EST-like thing) and I can remember saying I was too old then and my life was over. I can also remember someone looking at me like I was crazy for saying it, which I was. Well now I'm well past twice that and maybe I was just precognitive. I woke up this morning from a dream with the saddest music--it was a refrain from an old Yes song (maybe not a refrain, no words, just melody). Sometimes I have dreams so strong and sad they just penetrate to the core. I wanted to get up and play it on the guitar but I couldn't get myself to. It was very powerful music and it reminded me of being with my first boyfriend, with all these intense feelings--it's amazing how those memories live in the cells. If I can God willing get myself enough money and strength to move out of here, maybe I'll feel better. I just don't want to move and then sink further into an abyss of loneliness; sometimes I think maybe this is as good as it gets for me in a relationship and I should just accept it. I know that's crazy, but it's on such a deep level it's hard for anything else to get in. My boyfriend is not abusive, but he has a drug problem, and he's lying about it and not getting the help he promised he would. Pardon me for saying this, but I haven't had an orgasm in over 6 months and I don't even know if I can anymore (due to his addiction and health problems which contribute to his utter disinterest in sex). Now I'm just turning off completely myself, I think it's ruined my own desire after so much trauma. There's only so much physical rejection a body a can understand, even if it's not my fault... I am a mass of thwarted life force. I truly feel sometimes that it is just my destiny to be unhappy this lifetime. I don't have the strength anymore. I don't have another EST seminar in me. I've done so much frigging trying. I want to give up, but mercifully, that would bore me eventually. Thanks for listening.
poster:kara lynne
thread:205113
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030301/msgs/205113.html