Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2002, at 13:26:34
In reply to Re: Dinah..., posted by Roo on September 9, 2002, at 11:51:39
> I'm curious what your contingency plan is for going back
> on ssri's...There are just some life circumstances that I think would strain my ability to cope too much. An example would be having to care for my parents full time.
>
> I've related to BPD symptoms too...but I try not to go thereI guess where I find it useful is to find types of interventions that work well for it, and to recognize the sorts of distorted thinking that I need to be aware of.
>
> When I used to be perfectly okay with being on SSRI's (years ago I was
> fine with it)...I just thought to myself: I have weird brain chemistry, and
> if all I have to do is take this pill to correct it, I"m fine with that...yes,
> I could do all the therapy in the world....but you know what...I don't want to
> work that hard. That was my decision then....that I didn't want to have to work
> that damn hard just to feel somewhat normal. Now, after years of being on
> ssri's, and really struggling with the sacrifices...particularly sex, which I love
> DEARLY and has always been the one thing about me that worked great despite all my
> emotional stuff............but anyway, also the emotional blunting...feeling a little
> vegetative....that bothers me too now, whereas before it was so damn novel b/c I was used
> to living life so OVER sensitized that it was a welcome relief.I am remembering that feelings so well. It took me over three years on Luvox before I really realized the trade-offs. The sex didn't bother me until after I went off Luvox, because on it I had no desire to have an orgasm. But the emotional flattening, the inability to really feel anything for people I wanted to feel intense love for, the Luvox stupids (I'm ashamed to admit that it meant a lot to me to feel intelligent and quick witted), the apathy, all those things eventually made me feel less human.
> that's what I liked about the drugs...I didn't have to _think_ about this stuff so much, I just got on with my life. Do you know what I mean?
Hmm. Perhaps SSRI's worked better for you than they did for me. They stopped my OCD in it's tracks but I ruminated a lot about my inability to feel positive emotions, enjoy movies, feel Christmas, love my family, etc. And I was subject to sudden rages on the SSRI's, perhaps because I was less aware of when things were building up, leading me to self injure more on the drugs than off.
> Do you think about your moods constantly? Are you in your head constantly?
Yes, I tend to be like that. But that's my personality. I'm introspective and ruminative and even on SSRI's that was true (see above). I just ruminated about different things. I'm not sure I'd change that if I could. It's too much a part of who I am.
>
> I think I've identified my number one priority as being able to give and
> receive love (on all sorts of levels..not just romantic...but being there for
> a freind, being able to feel a friends love for me, being able to love my career and
> feeling myself giving something, and to be able to feel that career interaction giving
> back to me)...And that was my main reason for going off of SSRI's. I would look at dogs I dearly loved before the drugs and feel nothing at all. It made me so angry and disgusted with myself. I felt so inhuman. I think it's our attachments to others that anchor us to this world and it was more difficult than usual for me to feel attached on the SSRI's. I have difficulties in that area to begin with.
>
> I'm seeing a therapist once a week. It helps a lot with my perspective.
> And it's less "talk therapy" than it is actively working to develop skills
> to handle distorted/negative thoughts...
> You know, and that's the thing about the drugs..they really do buffer
> those thoughts...I still have them on drugs, but they don't effect me as
> much, for instance, I'll think "I'm a loser" , but instead of latching
> onto that thought and letting it cause me incredible pain, my mind will
> just sort of be like "yeah, whatever" and move on.Yes, I suppose that's true. But...the same was true for my regular, non-distorted, non-negative thoughts. :)
> It does make me wonder about a point that some antidrug people have made
> which is drugs don't handle the root problem. And it's hard to be motivated
> to fix the root problem if it doesn't hurt really bad. If know that maybe
> the pain serves some sort of purpose...to help motivate me to work through
> some root issue...then I'd be more likely to withstand the pain. But sometimes
> I also think the pain of depression is just in vain--it's just useless pain that's caused
> from a bunch of misfiring neurotransmitters.
>I guess I'm a bit skeptical about there being root issues too. I think I'm just biologically hard-wired to have problems with emotional regulation. What I can do is to dismantle the poor coping mechanisms I've developed to survive and replace them with better coping mechanisms. For example, I've always used dissociation rather heavily as a coping mechanism, and I still do, but I'm learning to have some control over it, to use it in an appropriate manner, etc. It's better to use it with awareness than without I think.
So does it ever get easy without meds? No. It doesn't. But it's a question of choosing which symptoms you'd rather live with. I've made my choice to feel more fully, but to be careful and monitor my reactions, use therapy to contain them, etc. That does require some introspection and being aware of my moods.
I doubt there's a best answer. Just what you want to deal with. It stinks doesn't it? I sometimes wish I didn't have these problems and didn't have to make these decisions. But... there are good things to extreme emotional sensitivity too.
poster:Dinah
thread:30042
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020908/msgs/30054.html