Posted by IsoM on August 27, 2002, at 19:13:49
In reply to Being good = Being cared for, posted by Dinah on August 27, 2002, at 17:49:28
Haven't talked with you for a while, Dinah, but here's my take on it.
My Mom made me feel good (on the whole - she had rough times, though, when my father was unfaithful & also when she went through menopause) but she never made me feel like I behaved perfectly either. She loved me just 'cause she did. Mind you, she also thought I was the most talented, brilliant, beautiful (you add the superlatives) daughter in the world, but it didn't give me a swelled head.
I guess I managed to do the same for my sons just naturally as she did for me. But when I think back to how I raised them, when they made mistakes, when they lied to me, when they fought & bickered with each other, when one took change from a dish to buy candy, etc, I didn't make them feel like I was disappointed in them. I'd tell them I didn't appreciate their *behaviour* & I'd like to see them not fight, or to tell me the truth even if it exposed something they did wrong, but my love for them didn't depend on how "good" they behaved.
It pleased me & I was happy when they were good, but I didn't love them less when they did wrong. I'd relate to them stories of me when I was little & the 'naughty' things I had done. I say naughty as most were childish things. My Mom never could understand why my little metal lunch box was alwasy so beat up compared to my brothers. I only told her after I'd grown, that I use to sit on it & ride it like a sled down the icy hills home from school - lunch box & me getting all bumped & bruised. Those sort of stories connected with my sons when they were little & they'd shyly, yet mischievously, tell me little pranks they had done too.
Now your little guy is still quite young & hasn't begun to have much of a chance to get into bits of mischief, & he has no siblings to argue with. But when he does do something you don't expect or something he's not happy with, give him a big hug & tell him with a laugh that you love him lots - warts & all. When he asks about the warts, explain that those little 'less-than-perfects' makes him all the more adorable (tell him whatever would suit you best - maybe like a little Scamp in 'Lady & the Tramp' stories - whatever you share). Make light of it so he doesn't take it all too seriously, but do let him know that he's doing what every normal child does - make little mistakes as they grow up & learn.
It really does help a person understand & empathize with people better if they make mistakes themselves in the process of maturing. Looking back on those small incidents in their life will give them a quiet framework of confidence & trust of their inner sense, whether they make mistakes or not. It'll teach them not to judge themselves harshly, or of others too.
poster:IsoM
thread:29391
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020820/msgs/29392.html