Posted by beardedlady on April 17, 2002, at 6:27:03
In reply to Re: Definition of a Friend, posted by Angel Girl on April 16, 2002, at 21:23:47
First of all, don't even THINK about abandoning us. We need you.
I am going to ramble a bit. I usually don't write like this, but I want to say a bunch of stuff. I've read many of your posts and think you're terrific. I want you to know that you are loved.
Don't believe for a moment that loving yourself is a requirement before others can love you. It's simply not true. It's lots of psychospeak mumbo jumbo from talk shows. Plenty of people out there with low self-esteem are loved. And people with low self-esteem know how to love.
Be sure to tell your friends how much you value and appreciate them. Make sure they know you love them.
I know you lost a few friends because of your recent suicide attempt, but did you lose them because they are not true friends? Did you lose them because they do not love you?
Think about the pain you're in now, and then think about the pain of grieving for someone you love. They are different pains, but they are maddening. Grief is the worst feeling I have ever had in my life.
I think about all those people who raise puppies until they are one year old, only to give them to a blind person, to selflessly part with that most amazing animal love after constant hard work and companionship. And then I think of those who could never do that, nor could they adopt a dog with a terminal illness, because the pain of loss would be too great. I couldn't.
These are both types of friends. And maybe the ones you lost were ones who couldn't bear losing you. Does that make sense?
My mom's best friend started dating a man whose wife died of cancer. Shortly after they began dating, my mom's friend was diagnosed with cancer. She was getting treatment and had a chance to get better. But when it seemed hopeless, he left her. He didn't stop supporting her or calling her or loving her, but he ended his relationship with her. He couldn't do this again--not with another lover. He couldn't bear seeing another lover in pain. Losing, for him, negated the rewards of loving.
See, you are not unloveable. But some people love differently. My guess is that the friends you still have are the less selfish ones. They will stick by you.
But we do need to see how our pain affects others and how the loss of us causes pain. Suicide is not an aspirin. It doesn't end the pain; in fact, it only spreads the pain. Look at this board! Look at all who have suffered the loss of Sar. And they didn't even know what she looked like! Sure, they'll go on. But that pain will always be there, added to the other pains of life.
You are having a bad patch now. (I am having one, too. I am crying right now, and I haven't cried since--well, a couple of months when I lost a pregnancy. I am having to take sleeping pills again, which I consider this great horrible devil weakness that makes me less of a person. Sounds a bit stupid, huh?)
So think of it as a bad patch on a long and mostly newly paved road. Every road sign is another person who loves you, another coping tool you can use, another, oh, I don't know, pretty flower. (Our lilacs are in full bloom, and the scent is absolutely heavenly!)
Life is powerful. Consider this a journey that's a little painful at times, a little more challenging than you'd like. Eventually, though, you'll find it--you'll find the right combination of meds, of vitamins, of God or ungod, of dog and cat. Eventually, you'll get it, and it'll be so great you will wonder how you were ever at this place.
I have not had my morning coffee, yet, which is sitting in the Melita for the last 20 minutes while I write, worried about you. And worried a little about me.
Please take good care of yourself right now. And take care of your friends, too. They need water and a little sunlight.
Love,
Beardy : )>
p.s. I am at: the underscore great underscore bearded underscore one at yahoo dot com. My pep talks are usually much peppier than this!
poster:beardedlady
thread:22189
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20020411/msgs/22207.html