Posted by Roo on December 31, 2001, at 10:18:39
I had a really fun date with a guy I think I could really
like last night, and it left me feeling excited, but
neurotic. One of the things that triggered my negative
thoughts was he asked me "So are you happy being you?" or
something like that, and I was like "whoa....where did that
come from?" and then I felt a little defensive inside
because on some level I felt like if I answered "No,
a lot of times I'm not and I struggle with depression
pretty regularly" then I would be DISQUALIFIED, so to
speak. And yet you don't want to mention something like
that on the first date. I just ended up saying "I don't
know...I don't like to feel like I have to be Ms. Mary Sunshine
all the time or anything like that", and he said he didn't
really mean it like that, just was I basically at peace with
myself. Well. Gosh. I just said "sometimes I am and sometimes
I'm not". Which is a pretty honest answer. It just left me
with that horrible fear in the pit of my stomach that I
will be rejected because of this illness. That if he really
wants someone who's basically at peace with himself...I might
not fit the bill. I do have mood swings. I can get into negative
spaces. But to some degree...doesn't everyone? I guess having
depression, I might more than the average person. So I go back
and forth with this shit in my head, can't sleep, I guess the
bottom line is, he either accepts me the way I am or he doesn't
and I don't really have any control over that. But it's also
still so new and I don't want to get all bogged down in these
serious issues when we should just be having fun and getting to
know each other. God I feel neurotic. Now I'm afraid I'm going
to fuck everything up just because I'm neurotic....
Arugh. Anyone relate? Do tell!
poster:Roo
thread:16064
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011216/msgs/16064.html