Posted by wendy b. on December 7, 2001, at 0:50:27
In reply to What keeps you here????, posted by tina on December 5, 2001, at 21:21:11
Tina,
How have you been doing? You were throwing the dog's bones out of the house and burning them last time we connected. I am reading posts more than writing lately, mostly because I feel ok - I have been working and staying on a schedule.
I hate to trivialize what others have said here, others who are survivors of suicide attempts, or who think about it on a daily basis, or at least, often...
That said, I was at that "ideation" point (I know, we all hate that word!) a while back. Wanted to throw myself into Lake Michigan on a freezing February day. But I was too scared, and dying from exposure seemed gruesome. So, #1, I'm a wimp. Then again, I know I'm not a wimp because I have pulled trough some very hard times, and have done my best to work on my problems.
#2, my daughter. If I zapped myself, what would I be teaching her? I don't want to give up, I don't want *her* to ever give up. Depression and/or bipolar has survived many generations on both sides of my family without anybody saying the long goodbye. Kind of amazing. Maybe we can keep it at bay for another two.
#3, I'm afraid of the karmic, cosmic damage it might do, to me and others in my life. I don't want it to reverberate into my future lives... (Does that sound stupid?)
Ultimately, if it's something I can control, I will try not to. Maybe next time I'm feeling suicidal, though, all this will sound like so much horseshit...
Write more if you can... what prompted you to ask this question?
Wendy
poster:wendy b.
thread:15014
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/15125.html