Posted by akc on December 5, 2001, at 15:09:47
In reply to Re: A broken record » akc, posted by Greg on December 5, 2001, at 14:28:10
Don't I feel like the total fool! I should have know that was not a legit address. The message itself has not yet been bounced by yahoo. I sent it some time ago, too.
Let's see if I can recreate what I said. It was mainly about my meds.
This combination has given me the most even good periods I have had in my life. I think we have the right mix. The problem is that I am still fundamentally a person who does not know how to live life on life's terms. I've done better as of late. When I have had a triggering event, I have been able to pull out of it before I have spiraled the past few times. Again, a sign that my meds are working, I believe.
What is going on right now I don't believe has anything to do with my meds. My pdoc is tweaking my lithium -- I'm a little nervous about that because the last time I was at this level, my thyroid began to be depressed. And I sure don't want to add anything new -- she has talked about stuff like opiate blockers and all to help prevent the relief I may get from some of my activities like cutting. I don't think I will go there. It just seems to me to be leaving me in a lot of pain with no choices, good or bad.
I'm really mad at my t at the moment. I want to talk about it with someone, but I don't want to be going behind her back -- I don't know what to do. She has laid down why I feel are ultimatums. If you want to get well, you have to do this. And knowing full well that I have struggled with doing what she is suggesting. And bringing this up for the first time in months -- when I am at the heart of a crisis. So I have as choices -- do "this" to get well, something that terrifies me because of my failed attempts in the past, if you don't you will stay sick and stuck, and if you can't stay safe, you must go into the hospital. That is what I have heard. By the way, with the "this," of course, it isn't necessarily quick and immediate relief -- it will be a slow process, but it is the solution.
I tried the if I were in physical pain, someone would be trying to give me some immediate relief. That was a voicemail last night that I have not got a response. My pdoc won't respond to that either -- all the immediate stuff is bad for me because I am in recovery -- alcohol, xanax, cutting -- in those categories.
I am angry because those who are suppose to be able to help don't seem to have many answers for this moment. I just cannot stand more of this.
But I've got to be a good kid -- do my homework -- be the star pupil -- get my work done that has to be done by 4 pm tomorrow regardless of anything else. So I have got to concentrate for more than 15 minutes at a stretch (my limit it seems today).
I don't know what to do.
akc
p.s. this was nothing like I sent to you in the email!
poster:akc
thread:14945
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20011130/msgs/14971.html