Posted by Greg A. on October 4, 2001, at 10:57:34
In reply to Re: What is bulghar wheat?? » Greg A., posted by sar on October 3, 2001, at 21:38:58
sar,
Thanks sar, for the pat on the back. I appreciate it.
Like you I drank everyday and went to considerable effort to make sure I had enough alcohol in the house. Like you I also questioned, and at times used as an excuse, whether the amount I drank was excessive, or okay. When I needed an excuse, I would decide it was okay. But I always knew it was a crutch. Drink your troubles away – or at least dull them. My wife and I would open a bottle of wine at dinner. She would have a glass and I would have the rest. And then I’d continue with beer. Rarely ever enough to feel really bad the next morning, but always enough to feel it.
And yes, I do feel some sense of pride at being able to break the addiction. But I am also afraid. Afraid of going back because I know I have a problem; and afraid of not going back because I miss drinking. You mentioned worrying about not being able to sleep and increased anxiety. I have had some nights like that, but I had them when I was drinking as well. And my sleep when induced by alcohol always seemed to be very restless and often interrupted by the need to go to the bathroom. I guess, as with breaking any addiction, the first while is the worst. I really craved the effects of alcohol in the evening. It was hard to sit down and relax without a glass or a bottle in front of me. It’s easier now. I also tend to do more things in the time where I used to drink.
I am on ADs and have been for many years. Currently it’s Prozac, Wellbutrin and Remeron. Last week I would have said No, they don’t work any better without alcohol. But I am noticing a gradual stabilization of my mood which used to jump around wildly. Thinking more clearly is good sometimes, but can also make you more acutely aware of your feelings. I used to get rid of the feelings by drinking. When I get up in the morning now and have to face the demands of my 2 teenage daughters, I can do it. Before, after a good night of dulling those feelings, I would try to ignore them, not get angry, and just leave the house. I blamed them. Now I know it was partly me. I expect I shall make other such discoveries if I stay off the booze.
Sar – my anxiety has actually decreased without alcohol. Just the opposite of what I expected. While I felt relief from anxiety after a number of drinks I would invariably feel more anxious on the rebound the next day. Things are by no means perfect. I have bad spells. I still do not feel very comfortable socially. But I know in general that I am better. I really don’t care if others notice or not as long as I feel that way.
I went from drinking, usually excessively at parties, to wanting to be alone to drink. This is not good. A sign for me that I had a problem, aside from the daily drinking. I know people who drink more – but it’s always associated with something social. I think they too have a problem but not the same as mine.
So . . . I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I want to give myself a chance to feel normal, whatever that is. I have had enough years ruined by and enough opportunities missed from depression and anxiety. I can’t expect that I can sit back and do nothing to help myself other than take ADs and go to therapy. I hope that This will lead to what I want and what I think I deserve.Talk to you later,
Greg
poster:Greg A.
thread:12015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010927/msgs/12103.html