Posted by Wendy B. on August 22, 2001, at 9:50:50
In reply to Re: the image of a sun setting...., posted by sar on August 20, 2001, at 0:51:09
> kid_A,
>
> that's a philosophy i can certainly appreciate and try to practice. i can hear mick jagger singing now in my head, "i got no expectations..."
>
> i wouldn't want him to have expectations of me at this point, either. it's just that this jive-yness has been going on over a year now, and now that he's shown me his more sensitive side i feel i've fallen hard, and i am frightened. i am frightened because i don't know how he feels. i always wish that other people would wear like post-it signs on their shirt saying how they feel...he doesn't know how i feel either...
>
> i used to sing along with this janis joplin song called "get it while you can." her philosophy was there's no tomorrow, only today, grab whatever love you can and enjoy it while you can. but my mood has shifted. i want what i really want. something genuine.
>
> i'm so scared i could cry. for awhile i wanted to be gay so that i wouldn't have to deal with all this male sketchiness. i regret not being a lesbian or even bi. i'm too sensitive. if he lets me down--
>
> see, i've ceased to believe that men have any romance in them. i did have one boyfriend who truly loved me and we were together for years, but the others have been--unreliable, drug addicts, only after one thing--etc...
>
> do men really care? i don't understand. do they keep caring? aside from that, my self-esteem is so low that i can't understand that anyone might feel the same way about me.
>
> i'm in reparation now emotionally, and this seems like--heartache or something wonderful, and i can't decide._________________
Sar,
Sorry to have missed the thread until today... you have a lot of good advice already and probably don't need my 2 cents, but y'all are gonna get it anyway...But first, a fantasy, inspired by the nun/knitting/boyfriend imagery:
I can see you cloistered away in the nunnery (legs shaven underneath the robe), and your New Man climbs up the ivy vines covering the cloister's walls to see you... he jumps in the window of your little cell, a cross is on the wall above your bed. He knows that underneath your robes is the sexy, beautiful, desire-throb Sar... He starts to take them off you, you help with all the little buttons and the hooks and the catches, your hair comes spilling out...
Eh, hem...
Out of fantasy-land, and into reality - ("Awwww, do we HAVE to?...")
All of it's very very exciting, and it has to start some way or another, and I love all these depressed (manic or no) people saying to Go For It...
You're scared, you want something genuine, that's right baby, don't settle for anything less.
Personally, I am striving to be much more careful, more choosy, in the next love affair... But I'm not 23, I'm 41 - still sexy, still very much in need of the right man, kinda lonely but still happy in my way... But terribly burned by the last one which ended 8 months ago, gas poured on the whole thing, and a match thrown in and BOOM... Still nursing sores from that one...
I have a writer friend who says: don't let them have it for nothing. Let the relationship develop over time. Figure out if he's a jerk or not first. She also says, a novel idea if there ever was one: the longer it takes for you to end up in the sack with him the better. At least you know he's not just in it for the short term. I ask: but what if I'm the one who wants to get into HIS pants??? What do I do then??? But the clock struck midnight, the oracle went away, and I am stuck with the same questions as you, dear Sar.
*******
Joni Mitchell interlude (esp. for you Canadians out there) -
I am a woman of heart and mind
with time on her hands,
no child to raise..
You come to me like a little boy,
and I give you my scorn and my praise...
You think I'm like your mother,
or another lover, or your sister, or
the Queen of your dreams,
or just another silly girl
when love makes a fool of me...*********
But you are already in the sack, so to conquer the fear, the best you can do now is to find out where his head is at... If he can't see you for a week, does he go crazy? Is he calling you? Can you sort of back up a little and get to know him better, and talk, just talk, it's such a good thing. We can't live without connection with another soul...
I realize I'm a little spacey here, wandering about with my musings, I just know the place you're in (scared), and hope all goes well, and want the updates, natch...
much love,
Wendy
poster:Wendy B.
thread:9858
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010817/msgs/10028.html