Posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
Are there different worlds of people on this one earth? I grew up in a world of anger and distrust. Thinking that my night in shining armor was my calm, even-tempered husband, we married 25 years ago. He did save me from my world of turmoil and abuse... for that I will always be grateful. But there was always something I felt I was missing. I've hated myself for my discontent. I should be happy but I'm not. I continue to try to wear my mask of being okay, but I'm realizing that things will never change. I cope with my emotions by cutting to release the anger and rage that I'm not allowed to show otherwise. The expectation is to do, smile, and never make waves.I've lived a life without love and passion. I kept telling myself that it was a guy/girl thing. Women need the hugs and reassurance... the little things to know they're loved. Men just want their Saturday night sex and feel they're doing their part in the relationship. I think more and more now about who writes and sings the beautiful love songs we hear on the radio. Some people are so able to communicate their passion. My husband in his inability to support my needs constantly seems to reaffirm my feeling of rejection and abandonment. I wonder which is worse... the world I grew up in of neglect, ridicule, and abuse or the world of indifference, detachment and rejection. Is there a world of true love and passion? I hoped with the passing years my husband could love me more, but I feel it has become less and less. Now with my children grown, I feel alone as I've never felt before. My t. says that I have rights to be a person and need to express my feelings to my husband, and I have tried, but it usually results in periods of silence and more rejection. I need to instead wear my mask of contentment, but the resentment grows so much deep inside me. Maybe I'm just unable to love resulting from my childhood. Maybe my selfishness makes me this so unloveable person. Am I just wishing for fairy tales? Reading was my escape as a child. Music and cutting help me to cope with my overwhelming feelings of helplessness now. I don't cut badly, just feeling like I deserve the punishment; just need the distraction when I'm filled with so much self-hatred. I should appreciate more and complain less.
Has anyone felt this way? I'm afraid I'm fighting a losing battle, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm afraid of what lies ahead because I don't want to hurt anyone. Please, someone reply, relate, whatever; I'm so alone!
Thank you, Patches
poster:Patches
thread:7625
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20010717/msgs/7625.html