Posted by Racer on April 24, 2007, at 17:03:20
In reply to Re: Question re:sex and honesty » sunnydays, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 22:01:26
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> **Actually SD you have a point!!! Duhhh. I never even THOT of saying I scared. I just was thinking it makes me feel bad, so then i thot he'd feel bad.Hey, Muffly -- here's your razzer, not razzing you. You clearly love your husband very much, to think so much of avoiding hurting him over this. That almost brought tears to my eyes.
What really got the waterworks going, though, was a little farther down. Putting this together with your husband asking if you were abused -- well, it sounds as though you both love one another so much, and want so much to make each other happy.
Sex and intimacy and all that are so hard. For me, sex isn't bad, and sometimes it's like a little bubble of connection that blocks out all the bad in the world, keeping me safe inside with my man. (Then again, my husband doesn't have any interest, so I don't get much these days...) For you, it's something else altogether, and I'm sorry. I wish you could experience the good in it, instead of the bad. If I were offering advice, I think it would be this: tell your husband that you're having trouble right now, that you're experiencing fear when the two of you [you know], and ask him if he would be willing to help you by holding you with no sex for a while, seeing if that could help you learn to enjoy the closeness without the fear. Just learning to be physically intimate without any sort of sex might help you a lot.
Because "sex" and "intimacy" are very different. During group one night, another group member held me while I cried, and that was physical intimacy. Not sex, obviously, but still intimacy. It was frightening for me, but it also felt so damn good. (Which was why it was so frightening...) Maybe if you learn to feel that sort of intimacy with your husband, you can learn to trust yourself sexually, and eventually even learn to trust him sexually?
I'm so sorry, Muffly, that you're having trouble. If I could wave my magic wand, I would fix this and make you the Queen of the Safe Places. I can't, though, so I'll have to content myself with caring about you and razzing you.
Razzer
poster:Racer
thread:752745
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/753079.html