Posted by gazo on April 24, 2007, at 9:37:29
In reply to Question re:sex and honesty, posted by muffled on April 23, 2007, at 13:59:55
OWC is right, sex and intimacy are not necessarily the same thing. i have had both, individually and together. Together is bettter.
There is sex which is mostly physical, can't ever be *just* physical though cuz your brain has to be in the mix somehow, good or bad. i've had that kind of sex, for good and bad reasons. One of the best relationships i ever had was very casual and based mostly on sex.. the intimacy was limited and grew later.
have you considered a sex therapist? it's kinda not fair to just assume your guy just wouldn't be able to consider your feelings or that he would be outright "ripped off." Maybe he'd feel like trying to work through it with you.
see.. i figure there is a compromise in there somewhere and i don't mean just tolerating sex every so often to please him. i am thinking that there are ways of building sexual trust to a level you can not only deal with but actually enjoy. That would take work and needs to involve the both of you.
sex doesn't have to mean intercourse as someone said. Maybe the way to start trying to deal with it is to stop putting the cart before the horse... don't envision the "big deal" part. Touch is more important.. even touching hands, faces, holding each other. Tantric sex is all about **being** together, and involves very little movement even.. you spend time, like hours, looking into each others eyes.. it involves very very deep intimacy.
i'm not suggesting you go for that! i'm just saying there are alternate points of view about what sex actually is.
think about what you do enjoy.. you love your guy, no doubts, you want to please him that way.. those are important things... now think.. do you enjoy it when he holds you? when he touches your hand? when he smiles or winks at you in *that* way? Those are places to start.
other questions you don't have to answer..
do you ever feel sexy? i mean, do you ever feel your body is appealling? Do you feel good about your body or bad about it?
do you ever feel good in clothes which are more alluring? like nice undies and stuff.. even if you never show them to anyone.
do you find your husband handsome or physically attractive? what things about him physically appeal to you? Do you find yourself liking his chest and arms when they hold you? or do you prefer looking into his eyes?
what things about him make you feel safe and loved? What things don't?
when you have had sex... what things stand out in your mind? position? touch? which things trigger you most? or first? Are there things about "doing it" that make it more tolerable for you? what i mean is, when you do it anyway just to make him happy.. what do you do? Those are important clues in how to get to a point you could maybe enjoy. Maybe you don't like being underneath and pinned if you see what i mean..
and i'm not saying it's just that... i know it's more complicated than just a position. Those are just clues.
try a touching exercise... with the agreement that it won't lead to sex, and it will stop at the point where you start to feel bad.. sit together in whatever degree of undress you feel safe with.. and touch each others faces, hands, arms, etc.. talk outloud about what you feel, both of you. Say exactly what you feel.. is it good, bad, scary, indifferent, safe?
i'm just shooting shite here.. trying to help... take or toss.
you still rock.
poster:gazo
thread:752745
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070419/msgs/752980.html