Posted by Daisym on January 15, 2007, at 11:51:19
In reply to Random Neurotic Thoughts..., posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 15, 2007, at 10:38:10
) Why is my thorax so tense and tight all the time? Feels like terror, tightness in my chest-- like a baby elephant is crushing me. If I concentrate *Really* hard, I can make the feeling go away for a few moments. Often though, I feel a tightness in my throat, almost like a lump or an unswallowed pill. ugh.
***You identify it later yourself - but this is anxiety. And I think it is also the physical manifestation of grief. And we all carry grief and anxiety in different parts of our body. This is literally where the term "heart-break" came from. It feels so bad in this area that it feels like your heart is breaking.2) Am I doomed to feel this way unless I take klonopin (benzodiazepine)? Why can't I control my own body?
***You will get better at managing you anxiety as you get used to "knowing" what you now know. Speaking for me, wanting someone (my mother) to do or be someone she isn't causes me a great deal of grief. It hurts so, so much. I thought there was something physical wrong with me for a long, long time. Part of the pain was containing my feelings and trying to keep them in their prescribed box of understanding and acceptance. But the rage boiling inside was hurting me.3) What is the psychological trigger for this anxious feeling? Why can't I understand the situations that provoke it? What's the point of therapy if I just pop a pill and I feel better?
***It takes TIME. (I feel several babblers out there snickering because they've said this to me a thousand times. I want to feel better NOW.) You medicate yourself to get through life until therapy gives you the tools to do it without the medication. It isn't a simple as learning to breathe or visualize. There is a process of accepting and working through and reaccepting and head banging. This "crisis" phase makes you feel undone, and often causes an existential crisis of "my whole life is built on lies." It might not be that extreme for you but it hurts an awful lot. The medications allow you to function. Because you have a life to live now. btw, some medications cause anxiety - that happened to me on welbutrin.4) Why do I have to take pills? I don't want to feel dependent on them. Why do I challenge myself all the time: I *won't* take a klonopin. I don't NEED to take a klonopin. I took one about a week ago, and a half tablet last Thursday. I guess it's all out of my system by now.
***Because part of "survivor" mentality is that we "should" be strong enough to do it ourselves. The pills make us "weak" or we are "giving in" to "it" and we should just be "over it." After all, didn't the stuff we are in pain about happen a long time ago? Over achievers tend to be the worst about helping themselves with pharmaceuticals.
5) Do I *want* to suffer? is THAT why I keep on trying to live my life without the BZD?
***NO - you don't want to suffer. That is why you are in therapy and not pretending all is well anymore. And YES, you do want to suffer. You want to let it out and let people know how bad you felt at the time all of this was happening. You couldn't then...but you can now. So you don't want anyone or anything to shut you up. So if they can give you a pill that makes it all go away, will you then be asked to stop talking about it? Will it be "only" your problem, not your mom's and not your dad's? (Now this could all be just me here...I feel like Captain Kirk, "I want my pain, I need my pain...my pain makes me who I am!"6) What's the goal? to get off of the medicine or to feel good?
***Why does it have to be "OR"?7) What if I feel good, but I only feel pressure to work when I feel like someone is chasing me. Therefore, I can only be productive when in negative mood. I can only feel good if my work is going poorly, which makes me feel bad about my productivity.
***This is an old tape, self-destructive and likely the result of severe, untreated depression. This is where secondary gains come in and why therapy is so critical. How often have you told yourself, "I'm good under pressure?" Your brain becomes accustomed to being bathed in certain chemicals, which are the response to stress. So your comfort zone might be in that negative space. When you feel like yourself, you work better, or whatever. But these things can be relearned. It takes time and a lot of hard work. But healthier patterns of work and play can be learned. I'm working on this myself. I never knew work wasn't play before...8) I'm having compliance issues. Starting to wonder whether the drugs are worth the twitches, the weight gain, the reminder that I'm a sick LlurpsieNoodle.
***Yeah, I'm there with you. I sort of know the answer is keeping looking for one that works and doesn't have these side effects, but it is so hard to keep starting new drugs again and again.9) Therapy. What's it for? Long-term stuff? short-term crises? What if I never actually bring up the stuff that needs to be worked on? Maybe I don't realize that it's relevant, or whatever. What if I can never live without psychotherapy?
***These are the questions I ask all the time. This is where you have to really trust that what needs to come out will come out if you give it enough space and time and you build that trust with your therapist. You really don't know if you can ever live without psychotherapy, but the evidence supports that most people do and can eventually. It doesn't matter if you miss one thing that might be relevant. There is no magic moment that cures all of this. It is a series of tiny moments, the times that you connect completely with your therapist, or you do something different with your husband, that leads you to healing.I started to say it before...and please hear this in my most gentle voice. You remind me of me several years ago, except you have way more courage and gumption. You want "this" over with, you want to know what the right thing to do is...so you can go do it. Like talking to your parents. You and your therapist decided you need to talk with the "non-abusing parent" and you sort of rushed out and did that. When you wrote that your therapist almost fell off her chair when you told her, I was glad. So did I. This whole process takes time and there is no way to power through the pain. Which sucks big time. You have to feel it, sit with it, rage against it, cry over it, accept it and then start over again and again. Your therapist will help you, you have a good one. But this isn't a class, where you learn the material, take the test and get the A. Nor is it a task to master and move on. This is coming to terms with your life, with whom you are and why. It is a huge, huge thing to really look at your family and see the truth. And figure out how this fits with the family of your mind. Even if your mom had done everything you wanted, it would still hurt. I'm sorry, but it would. There is no way to undo what has been done. Now it is picking up the pieces, cleaning up the mess and starting over.
I wish I could tell you the journey was short and easy. Maybe someone else has had that kind of magical experience. But from where I sit, you are doing the hard work of really looking at all of this. You should be proud of yourself. Stick with it. I know it hurts so much. And it is scary. But you aren't alone. Not this time.
Love and hugs,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:722499
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/722523.html