Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on January 15, 2007, at 10:38:10
I'm not really sure where to post this list of random neurotic thoughts. Some of them are surely medicine related. Some not so much
1) Why is my thorax so tense and tight all the time? Feels like terror, tightness in my chest-- like a baby elephant is crushing me. If I concentrate *Really* hard, I can make the feeling go away for a few moments. Often though, I feel a tightness in my throat, almost like a lump or an unswallowed pill. ugh.
2) Am I doomed to feel this way unless I take klonopin (benzodiazepine)? Why can't I control my own body?
3) What is the psychological trigger for this anxious feeling? Why can't I understand the situations that provoke it? What's the point of therapy if I just pop a pill and I feel better?
4) Why do I have to take pills? I don't want to feel dependent on them. Why do I challenge myself all the time: I *won't* take a klonopin. I don't NEED to take a klonopin. I took one about a week ago, and a half tablet last Thursday. I guess it's all out of my system by now.
5) Do I *want* to suffer? is THAT why I keep on trying to live my life without the BZD?
6) What's the goal? to get off of the medicine or to feel good?
7) What if I feel good, but I only feel pressure to work when I feel like someone is chasing me. Therefore, I can only be productive when in negative mood. I can only feel good if my work is going poorly, which makes me feel bad about my productivity.
8) I'm having compliance issues. Starting to wonder whether the drugs are worth the twitches, the weight gain, the reminder that I'm a sick LlurpsieNoodle.
9) Therapy. What's it for? Long-term stuff? short-term crises? What if I never actually bring up the stuff that needs to be worked on? Maybe I don't realize that it's relevant, or whatever. What if I can never live without psychotherapy?
okay that's enough for now.
-Ll
poster:Llurpsie_Noodle
thread:722499
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/722499.html