Posted by wishingstar on January 5, 2007, at 11:01:18
In reply to Re: I have to tell a secret » wishingstar, posted by Dinah on January 5, 2007, at 10:16:08
Thank you everyone. I knew you all would be supportive but I didnt expect everyone to say so adamently that it's not my fault. Because in my head is really, truly is.
It's true, my doctors knew I was on it and kept me on it. But I know that I sort of "played a game" in some ways there. I didnt mention it when I should have. The perscribing doctor didnt know I was depressed and I only say her very briefly to pick up the pills anyway. And my pdoc knew I was on it - its in my papers, and he had it ordered when I was in the hospital so I could keep getting it - but we've never discussed it. It's really something I should have brought up if I was being honest about trying to get better. I definitely wanst connecting the dots for anyone.
And I know what you all mean when you say that stopping it should have stopped the depression if that was the case. But I wonder if it's possible that I cognitively/behaviorally talked myself into a depression with a little help from the drug, and then that part has just hung around. I dont know.
This is very hard to admit here, but I know it'll be harder in therapy. It wasnt like I didnt know. That's the hardest part. If I later on found out that a med I had been on could be to blame, I'd be mad but not really at myself. I didnt know. But this time, I did know, even from day one. I even stayed on it for months longer than I needed to because I was afraid to get better. I was afraid I'd wake up and feel fine a few days after the last pill. I think a big part of it is that I felt like I'd rather stay depressed than lose the attention and whatever I was getting out of therapy. But I truly dont think of myself as attention-seeking...but I guess maybe I'm wrong. I really do want to get better. I dont understand why I did that.
Thank you everyone. I just dont know what to believe. But I do need to tell Ginny. I plan to. And saying it here has made it feel a little easier. It's not such a big secret anymore.
poster:wishingstar
thread:719419
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/719569.html