Posted by Lonely on December 20, 2006, at 1:41:04
In reply to Re: Unexpectedly Having to Face T's Mortality....? » RN320, posted by shrinking violet on November 23, 2006, at 10:33:51
Zenhussy,
I am so sympathetic to you. Three and a half years ago my own therapist died quite suddenly (hopefully yours is going to pull through just fine) and it's taken years to recover. In some ways I never did recover because I notice things in other therapists that tell me they also have health issues that they of course will never discuss.
Some of what I learned from my T's death is that it's important to have a support system unique to this relationship. A death in the family is always difficult but, usually, there are other relatives, neighbors, and friends who share the loss so you're not alone. Because of the secretivness (privacy or whatever) of therapy, you probably don't know who else might be concerned about losing this T. Now I try to find out something about the T so that if they do become ill or die at least someone else will know about that relationship and can help me build on it and recover. Unfortunately, T's often don't like to have patients build relationships w/other T's at the same time or know other patients. I consider that absolutely wrong and destructive. The lack of it was really devastating and I think it's really a control ploy. Also, I have a snapshot of the current T at least. I really wish I had something from the now deceased T - at least a note or something. Fortunately, we did have a mutual friend who gave me a couple things from her home but it's not the same as something the T wrote down on a piece of paper for me which she never did (even if it's just things to think about or a drawing of how things work or something to do w/the therapy).
Make it clear to your current T or whomever you're seeing that you need to be kept informed about your T's condition in general terms (w/o being too personal) and that if he/she passes away you will expect a lot of support. I was amazed at the number of vultures (therapists) who were ready to swoop in and pick up the patients of the deceased. Guess that's therapy business. But, I couldn't afford them for insurance reasons. Also, I found that almost every one of them said something to the effect of "Oh, that's so sad" or "Yes, I'm sure that's very hard" and immediately jumped into my history or where I wanted to be or something else. They would NOT let me grieve and I needed to. The INsensitivity was awful. One brutish T who was supposed to be great seemed amazed that after a year I still had not forgotten about the old T. She didn't have a clue about the anguish.
I did end up w/one T who let me cry. She didn't give me the info and support that I really needed but at least she didn't come unglued or refuse to talk about the deceased T.
If possible, after your T recovers or with a future T, talk about what will happen to you if the T dies - what should you do? I tried it several times with the now-deceased T but she was on such a power trip that the answers consisted of (and this is a classic) "I'm planning to be around for a long time" and "You could go someplace else and just start all over." and "You could see anyone else in this bldg."
For now, do think of yourself and reach out for understanding - you'll need it and you have a right to it.
Take care,
Lonely
poster:Lonely
thread:706432
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/715162.html