Posted by Racer on August 21, 2006, at 3:50:39
In reply to Re: can I just ramble for a while? » Racer, posted by James K on August 21, 2006, at 1:08:30
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> Because I'm scared. of things that might happen 6 months or 2 years from now. Of the failures I can predict.James, it takes a lot of guts to admit to that sort of fear. It's something I can relate to, and empathize with -- and I think it's still worth trying. I live in fear -- which is contributing to me not being able to sleep tonight, by the way -- and it ain't pretty countryside.
But here's the choice I saw in front of me: I lived in fear, and I could either confine my life inside tighter and tighter boundaries because of it, so I wouldn't have to face up to anything frightening -- or I could choose some things that I could face down. Trust me -- my life is still bounded by fear, and I certainly haven't reached out very far, and half the people here can tell you that I'm roiling up inside over some of these choices, but this is the only life I have. If I didn't choose to fight some of it, I'd have no one else to blame for my own misery.
Sure, I have recurrent major depression -- but that doesn't mean I can't try. And I did have to start trying, James, because my life just got so danged boring! (Of course, meds help, too...)
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> I don't know. All I know is that I felt okay when I got drunk. Okay. I made a decision to pursue that line of life.
>Who told you you weren't OK? Did they say it openly, or did you read it between the lines? In my case, it was mostly implicit, although I did hear about my weight, and being lazy and selfish. I heard at school that I was weird, and could never seem to fit in. I was told in a lot of ways that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't OK, that something was wrong with me.
And, Calvinist background, I was told that it was my fault, too.
Sometimes that gets me into these cycles where I set myself up, to punish myself, by showing how awful I am, etc. I can kinda feel it happening when it does, but I can't always stop it in time. It's always part of the spiralling down, and it makes me feel stuffed full of self-loathing. (And I'm suffering insomnia, so I'm too tired to make that part clear...)
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> Everything I did was something wrong or failed I felt so low. So I escape by not feeling. Then I escape by going so low on purpose that no one can accuse me or destroy me.And maybe so that you won't have to make an effort? If it's all a forgone conclusion? Forgive me, James -- I'm not trying to be confrontational in an accusatory sense: I'm only hoping that I can challenge you a little, and all of this is based on what I experience myself. If I do the sort of thing I think you're describing, it's a way of escaping from ever having to make any real effort. That way, you see -- well, if I never try, I can never fail.
Peace, James. And I hope you find what you need.
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> Later, James
poster:Racer
thread:678522
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060808/msgs/678654.html