Posted by B2chica on May 7, 2005, at 16:13:47
In reply to How did it go at T tonight?, posted by happyflower on May 6, 2005, at 20:52:57
i was able to restrict a full breakdown in T's office but cried, when i started to cry hard i immediately stopped myself. he said i could let some of that out there, but i couldn't. i told him i couldn't.
i told him i had to make a dicision. to live and fight or to give in and die. i can't stand this wish-washy i want to die, no i don't, yes i do, no i don't attitude.
he wanted me to go to the hospital. i've not even paid off the last visit. i couldn't go, even though a little part of me wanted to. i think he was very concerned cuz he said he wasn't sure he could carry out our 'treatment plan' this way. Every fiber of my being curdled inside with those words. i couldn't loose him, so we compromised and i could go home but if i felt worse i would take myself to the ER. and tonight he's going to call to 'check in'.
Last night right after our session (which went 1/2 hour over) i went home closed myself in my room and bauled so hard, from every inch of my being, i cried and screamed and cried. i wanted him to call and check, i was ready to go to the hospital. he didn't call. my husband wasn't home, i couldn't reach him. my other two friends were also unreachable. i needed someone SO badly last night to hang onto, to cry in someones arms...there was nobody. i should have gone to the hospital.
i cried till i got a headache. i stopped for about a 1/2 hour made pasta and ate bits, then cried some more. Finally just before 9 i couldn't stand crying anymore so i took a couple extra xanax and a couple other sleepy pills and layed in bed teary till i fell asleep.Today? slept mostly. Right now, i'm still groggy. i watched 'pay it forward' (nodding off a bit) but it made me think a little differently
i'm not as determined to act today. but death is still on my mind. i'm getting closer to a decision. i think i want death...but, i don't want suicide. i want death to come to me. it comes to so many others, why not me?Part of me wants to fight, i've never turned my back on a challenge, i've never taken the easy road.
Either way, i'm listening to what my T said and though the thougts are there, i won't act on them. Not till i can talk to him about this swarming confusion i have in my head.
He asked if these thoughts were brought on from the 'topic' that i've been wanting to discuss...the answer is yes. which thinking today about that makes it seem that maybe suicide is not what 'I' really want. that its a force coming from these memories, this pain. on one had it sounds like a pretty obvious conclusion but to me it sounds pretty profound right now.i was screaming in pain last night.
side note: i wish Dr.Bob would make a babble doll some fuzzy little creature, that maybe had some posters' names on it. i would buy one, and squeeze it tight when i needed you most. i would probably even take it to therapy.thanks for caring.
b2c.> Hugs to you, I hope you sleep well, and I hope you are okay. :)
poster:B2chica
thread:494086
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/494914.html