Posted by Dinah on October 10, 2004, at 9:02:50
I feel dreadful. Mornings before my defenses are up are the absolute worst times. Yet I've maintained a facade that covers the fact that I'm functionally incapacitated. So people keep expecting stuff from me.
Even what appear to me to be clear suicidal messages are met with positive responses. If I ever try reach out for help, I'm going to be in big trouble. I just present too darn well.
I suppose it doesn't help that I careen madly between knowing that suicide is the only option and cheerfully handling things and making plans for our next vacation.
Maybe that means the suidal feelings aren't real.
I must say, though, that my therapist is the one person who understands what's going on inside. We haven't scheduled plans for next week yet, because he's got a busy week with all day meetings Monday and Tuesday. He called and left a message offering Monday or Tuesday lunchtime appointments or a Wednesday afternoon in addition to our regular Friday. I called back and left a message that I hated to take away his lunch, and maybe we should just wait till Friday, and I haven't heard back.
To be honest, even tho I'm broke from lack of work this last while, this would be the sort of situation where I would usually increase my number of sessions short term to keep me as functional as possible.
Yet I really *don't* want to interrupt his lunch. :( And pragmatically speaking, he'd be feeling rushed and not at his best.
I've been so nice to him lately. He either double booked or another client made an error, but in any case another client showed up shortly after he took me back last time. I offered quite sincerely to wait and let him see the other client, since Harry had died that day and I was going to be totally unproductive all day anyway. And I felt bad when he started late and I started to leave at the regular time, and he was encouraging me to stay because he didn't want there to be anything for me to "throw back in his face later". Am I really that awful? He says no, but...
poster:Dinah
thread:401120
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041002/msgs/401120.html