Posted by KindGirl on May 10, 2004, at 11:58:08
You guys did and do make me feel better and less lonely. Thanks for everything you all shared.
I don't like the term "mental illness" either. I am at a loss for terminology here because of the inner struggle I have in general with therapy. My therapist would say I am "very deeply injured." I tell her I am crazy or a freak and she says, "no you are not, you are very wounded. You are precious...blah blah blah"...so "mental illness" works for me at this stage because I lack in the self compassion department right now.
One of you said that you hate the thought of therapy (or something like that...sorry, I am rushing)....that it makes you cringe. OMG!!! That is me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Except I don't think of it as something snobs do or upper crust so to speak, but the opposite. Maybe its cuz I live in California and see many deranged homeless crazy people all the time and I say to myself, "there but for the grace of God go I" because I feel like a crazy, homeless person inside even though I live in middle class suburbia! So, I think of therapy like something for weak people or people who are complainers (gee that sounds a lot like my mother talking)...something I need to work on.
I wish I worked with mental health professionals so I could see them on a regular "normal" basis. I do have a sister in law who is a therapist and have connected with her a few times lately, but she is kind of eccentric and hard to connect with in a lot of ways. Professionally she is awesome (from what I hear) but personally she is kind of out there. LOL. It is true. Anyway, rambling...sorry.
But thanks for the ideas and thoughts on this. I find that I have to lie about therapy (my kids don't know either) except to the very few people I have left in my life who are not judgmental. Unfortunately, the two dearest friends I have also have so many injuries inside and are not seeking treatment or help, so I find that I have to keep a lot of my therapeutic experience to myself and that is extremely lonely.
Even here, I notice that therapists have all different styles and philosophies, and I was not prepared for that. I am in therapy for the first time in my life, she is my first therapist, and I have been going now for 2 years. I was convinced I would be cured in 3 sessions but am horrified and shocked at this whole thing and the whole mess inside of me I was completely unaware of all this time.
That being said, even if I were to share here that my therapist holds me every session (and I have shared this and gotten great input) I find that not many therapists do this and I wonder about it. Is she doing something wrong? Is there another way than the way she is leading me? Is there a shortcut here people know about I don't?......you know, all that stuff.
My t. has been a t. for over 20 years and is a well sought out t. in my area, has a waiting list a mile long I guess (someone told me that about her), and so I do feel confident in her knowledge and all. It is just I come here to feel less alone and most of the time it helps but there are major differences in my t. than a lot here and I try not to focus on that because it makes me feel alone "among the lonely"!!!!!
BTW, I love it that she holds me. She is big on attachment theory and I am glad. I know I was left alone forever (forgive me if you already knew this) or it seemed forever, and I never was gently held or nurtured. I fought a lot inside about it, but now that the wall is down and I can ask her to hold me every week (or she asks me) it is easier and I really feel comforted and nurtured in this experience. (just in case you were wondering how it was going). I also know every person is different, has different boundaries and abuse issues, so someone holding you might gross you out or make you freak.
Okay I am just rambling and avoiding working so I need to run!
Oh yeah, one of you said you work out of your home. Me too! So it is very easy to "fib" and tell my kids I have an appt. They are clueless.
Thanks again to all for sharing....
poster:KindGirl
thread:345273
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040503/msgs/345377.html