Posted by crushedout on April 22, 2004, at 15:16:01
She reminded me that I had something at the end of the session Monday that we didn't have time for, so I just told her. It was really hard. I felt she was mad at me but she said she wasn't -- just scared. She asked me if I was going to continue to see the other T and I said I didn't know, that we'd left it up in the air. I think she basically told me that she wouldn't continue to see me if I saw the other T -- she didn't think that would be productive. I guess it's good I didn't call the other T to make an appointment for tomorrow because I had been contemplating doing that.
She thinks I feel conflicted about her and am having trouble integrating my positive and negative feelings about her. I don't think that's accurate, but she says she's not in a position to agree with me since I don't open up to her about my feelings about her (which is why she thinks me seeing the second T would be counterproductive: because I would tell the other T those feelings and be even less motivated to tell Ellen -- I actually don't see it working that way and wouldn't want to do that, either, but anyway).
So, she asked me: what do I feel for her? And I told her that I felt longing. It wasn't conflicted at all. She said she thought that my longings weren't attached to her, that some day I could transfer them onto someone else, basically, and I told her that felt impossible. She said I needed to learn to tolerate the longing. She asked me if I wanted it to go away. I said, "Not really. Well, yes, I guess I do, but I want it to go away because I have satisfied it. But I don't even know if that's possible."
Next week I'm supposed to get into specifically what I'm longing for so she can let me know whether it's possible. Scary. I actually meant was it literally possible to satisfy such longings -- that is, even if there weren't any restrictions on what we could do, and she were to do exactly what I wanted her to (cuddle me, sleep with me, etc.), would I actually be satisfied, or is it only a myth in my mind that she has the ability to satisfy my longings? In other words, are my longings actually impossible for anyone to satisfy under any circumstances?
But I think she thought I meant, would she be able to within the boundaries of our relationship. Which I'd also like to know the answer to, but I think I already know she can't. I wonder if she could just hold me, though. That would be nice.
I'm not sure how I feel about the fact that she basically told me I couldn't see the other T and continue to see her at the same time.
Thoughts?
poster:crushedout
thread:338881
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040419/msgs/338881.html