Posted by Angel Girl on January 26, 2005, at 15:47:44
In reply to It's only a few weeks away, luv -- l'll be back » Angel Girl, posted by Atticus on January 26, 2005, at 10:09:30
> I think I've just worked myself into such a severely emotional state that I need a few weeks to regain some serenity. I hope you'll still be here when I eventually pop back. In the meantime, enjoy the company of all the new friends you've made during this fracas. I gave you my e-mail address, and you can Babblemail me as well. I just want no contact with the lunacy of the administration of these boards for about a month.
> Stay sweet. Have faith. Ta. ;) Atticus
AtticusYour leaving has emotionally affected me in a very negative way. It would've been avoided had it not been for me and my stupid feelings. I kept expressing my concern for you on the boards and in babblemail and you kept saying not to worry, that you were ok but you aren't. I was right all along. You lied to me. Why did you do that? When I first came back to these boards, I promised myself that I wasn't going to let anybody penetrate my soul, I had to keep my guard up because when I don't, I end up getting hurt but when I was blocked, I received this overwhelming love and support from you and so many others. Before I knew it, I opened up my heart and I let you all in. It happened without me even being aware that I was letting my guard down. It was too late. I felt I had made friends and I felt good for the first time in a very long time. I felt understood and I wasn't and I'm still not used to people fighting for me. I'm just not worth all of the good that was and still is (I think) directed my way. I understood your fight with Dr. Bob but I knew that your posts were definitely crossing over the line of civility and increasingly so with each one. I PLEADED with you to stop but you didn't listen and now you have to leave because of what it has done to you. I knew you weren't ok even though you said that you were. Had it not been for me expressing my stupid feelings towards that damn word, all of this ugliness that has occurred would never have happened. Yes, you gave me your email addy, I used it, you didn't reply me.
So, here I am without my T to help me, like you unable to function IRL. I was supposed to go to my sister's today, I had to cancel. I've been hiding all this from my family for the last couple of weeks and doing a damn good job of it too but I was forced into telling her what happened. Surprising, she told me that word would've equally repulsed her too. I didn't expect her to understand. I feel so responsible for all the bad that has come out of this and I *felt* I had made a friend in you and now you are gone. I feel so horrible. My stupid feelings have caused so much pain to so many here. I never expected this snowball effect. I've never had anybody fight for me before. I feel so much sadness and guilt. Atticus, I'm soooooo very, very sorry for what I have done to you, I'm sooooo sorry for what I have done to so many here. My feelings aren't worth all this sadness and pain that I have caused so many. I should never have let my guard down and let so many people into my heart. It always leads to hurt, hurt for me and hurt for so many others here. The guilt and depression is just too much for me. I feel like curling up in a corner and dying. I feel so alone and I miss you terribly. I tried to save you several times but I couldn't. I don't even know if you'll even read this post to you. And all this over one bloody word that repulses me no less today than when I first saw it. DAMN THAT WORD AND DAMN MY FEELINGS.
AG
poster:Angel Girl
thread:447010
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20050116/msgs/448214.html