Posted by CherC68 on July 21, 2003, at 18:51:41
In reply to Re: Feel so sorry, posted by Susy on July 21, 2003, at 17:27:42
Dear Susy, Mercedes, Kimberly, Zinya and Nyia and Willie and heck everyone....
Susy, please don't worry about your English - it's fine. I'm just very sensitive and compared to most of you - I'm just a baby.
The first day of the bad storm and the flooding - I was the strong one, as per usual. The next day my mother called and all I did was listen to her cuss & moan and groan about her phone line not working properly. My basement is flooding, I have no electric no phone just a cell phone - I lost all my food in the fridge & all my meat, I lost paper towels from Sams Club, Toilet paper, dog food, cat litter, etc. but I listened to my mother rag non-stop about her phone. I don't want to be like my mother. I know it seems like i'm complaining - but I have no where else at the moment to go.
The sun came back out and I was talking to a neighbor between bailing - and he suggested I should go for a swim in between. Its the only pleasure in life I seem to have anymore. I cleaned the pool and the motor burnt out. The pool was installed May 15th this YEAR!
I feel like Nyia with the bills now, I'm late on things because of my husbands continuing travel (we have to pay out of our own pocket) and the reimbursements are taking 3-4 weeks, so now I'm late on almost all my bills. We should have never taken out the loan for the roof, windows, fence, trees out and the pool. I grew up very very poor - neither parents working (my dad off for two years - and I paid the mortgage from the age of 16 until I was almost 20. Got married early and was in an abusive situation.
I don't know how I wake up everyday - sometimes I wake up and say to myself - damn I'm still here. There has to be more to life than constant negativity, constant stress & anxiety, constant pain, constant unhappiness.
I do what I do because if I don't who the hell would? I have a 13 year old, had almost died when I was sick a few years ago and had a hysterectomy & radiation and almost died and was so pissed that I took 60 muscle relaxers a few months later when I was recovering. I realized that wanting another child and not being able to and here I just took 60 muscle relaxers. I took ipecac LOTS OF IT - and threw it up. I tried jumping out a window once - I burnt my wrist with a cigarrette without flinching a while ago and got down almost to the bone in my wrist and I felt nothing.
So I'm barely making it. I don't want to get up in the morning - i don't want to leave my house - I don't want to laugh, love, swim, nothing - I do EVERYTHING like I am a machine.
I have a child - that if I took my own life, it would probably take his. My son is so sensitive to me, that it would ruin his life and chances are good that he would end up ending his own life because of it. That's why I'm here. Not cause I want to be - but because I have to be.
I am very strong, everyone says it - but..I'm losing my grip. A few hours ago when I found out the motor burnt out, and my basement is still flooded I started laughing - hysterically - I laughed so hard and crying - I laughed without stopping for an hour and my husband called from MO and I couldn't stop laughing. I wanted to call the paramedics but my husband told me not too. He did say that if I commit myself he would get me out - and he wouldn't let them put me away or keep me there.
I'm torn - I need to be committed I know this - shit I know this for a fact, but I take care of everything in this house - bills, cleaning, cooking - cats, dog, everything - I cannot do it to them, but I can't do this anymore - i cannot go around with the crazy thoughts and depression and handle every friggin thing no more - i'm losing it.
My best friend stopped by out of the blue (well I thought it was cause she knew I was in need of help with the water. I was on the phone with my husband laughing like a lunatic. Well....she wanted to burn a CD. She was here yesterday for a little bit with a "new friend" and wanted to swim and said she was going to come back and spend the night because of the storm - but she didn't and didn't bother calling. Her and her friend ate the dinner I prepared and that's that! Got to love it when your best friend is on her "Manic High". Everything is yeah great - woohoo.
MY internist is not at my clinic any longer -and the Clinic has no PDoc's so I'm still looking for one in my insurance coverage...going to the hospital seems likes such an easier solultion.
Well, my frantic husband just called right now, and I have to be okay to talk to him. No more hysterical laughter, thanks for listening again - and I wish I could give advise or help others on here - maybe I should just do a blog and talk to myself (i'm getting good at talking to myself cause most of the time I'm alone anyhow.)
Thanks again, (and no i'm not doing anything rash or hurting myself).
Love, Cher
poster:CherC68
thread:13781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030718/msgs/244072.html