![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 4 to 28 of 28. Go back in thread:
Posted by kid47 on August 4, 2008, at 16:25:27
In reply to Gabbi, Gabbi!! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!!, posted by All Done on August 4, 2008, at 12:23:07
Happy B-day to the Gabster!!!
Peace out
kid
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 16:52:52
In reply to Gabbi, Gabbi!! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!!, posted by All Done on August 4, 2008, at 12:23:07
Posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
In reply to Gabbi, Gabbi!! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!!, posted by All Done on August 4, 2008, at 12:23:07
Thank you.
IT's been an um
gosh it's been an awful two weeks.
I screamed out loud in a drugstore.
If you knew Gabbi in person you would know that Gabbi doesn't scream in public places. I am so quiet at times that that's usually what annoys people, and
I was really good at kick boxing but before you kick, during practice, at times you are supposed to channel your "chi" by yelling
(Qu I) I forget how i't spelled.But I literally couldn't yell. Not even in private.
So that being said.
It was because I'm under a lot of really unsettling and scary changes right now.My partner dying (technically) and yes surviving but we were told to pull the plug
Which was not Done, and he's alive (HOORAY )
And he developed such a new enthusiasm for living, that I decided it would be okay to move in with him (His son died last year) and though Ioved him, sometime the grief and depression was overwhelming and I needed to know I had my own space.The day I decided to move in with him, he had a tiny stroke, not enough to do any real damage.
Just enough to alter certain parts of his personality. And sadly they were what I loved most about him.
So now I'm living with a man who is undertandably not who he was. It's an eerie feeling to say the least.
Moving in with him required changing GP's
I HATE THE BASTARDS
I should say "the P*M P*Ms" at least that will be asterisked.
However this was a G.P I'd had before and liked
he deliverd the son I gave up for adoption.
He knew that I had not conceived the child with
anyone I knew and not voluntarily
(got the picture?)So
I gave him my med list and he just decides
I don't need ativan anymore.. just like that
Pardon the common sense but maybe right now isn't the best time to force me off lorazepam cold turkey.. you know? Just a freaking hunch.
That 2mgs a day ruining my life?No, maybe it's living with someone I loved for their intelligence, (He was my Enlish Lit professor) and having him turn into someone who watches T.V all day every day. Being responsible for absolutely everything that goes on.
Not having any support. Being scared to death that he's going to have anotherI white knuckled it for two days, then started having panic attacks (I'm usually a generalized anxiety person) Then I started hallucinating PTSD flashbacks, tastes and smells.
All the while knowing that Don is very fragile right now, and it would probably be best if he didn't see the person he depends on hallucinating and crawling along the floor in terror.Called my Dr. "I'm hallucinating never happened before, I'm terrified, (these were gutteral moans) "I'm busy, it's the weekend"
Dr. L, this is really really bad. Please don't Please don't"Click.
I've never called on the weekend before, I didn't know it went directly to him, the after hours recording to his office just gives an emergency number
I've never hallucinated before
PARDON ME FOR THINKING THAT WAS AN EMERGENCYWent to Emergency, and asked for ONE SINGlE Zyprexa
"nope"
"Beta Blocker"
Nope.
Maybe I should have asked for ativan?Tried to stay sane, couldn't.
Went for a walk to the drugstore to see if I could get niacinimide.
Like that would actaully help, but you know..
I got in there suddenly felt physically attackedI screamed loudly "SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"
Then the security guard came over and tried to
grab me and I said (this is actualy funny)
I don't hurt people, I don't I just screamed but I've never even hit my cat, I'm a vegetarian"Than an angel appeared in human flesh, and I will never forget her.
Ever. She said to the security guard
"Hey, it's okay let go of her" She was probably only about 25 and she took me out to the parking lot at 2 in the morning.
And I'll stop about the angel here because I've gone on so long.But that kind of rejection when you're in agony
from someone who knows because he delivered my child, and knows I have PTSD
The stupidty of just making me *stop* ativan
It boggles the mind
What exacly is the objective?
Then he told me there would be no withdrawal
\
I already knew that was a lie and a half, but
come on, if there wasn't withdrawal why did he not want to prescribe it? Hello? Do they think we're that stupid?
So yeah it was gruesome.
Then I discovered Dr's have no problem prescribing "lunesta" Zopiclone.
It does the same thing for me Ativan does but apparently isn't on the current "you're a filthy lowlife if you take \benzos even if you'd never heard of them before you had them prescribed to you and at that time you used to get crap from you Doctor if you DIDN"T TAKE YOUR MEDS AS PRESCRIBED"
Apparently Zopiclone binds to basically the same receptors as benzodiazepines.
Is this making sense?
Probably not
Am I angry at how stupid and just how I really didn't need extra stress right now.
Yes.
and it hurt.
And I'm moderately better now, but that kind of idiocy and the pain it caused just burns me up.And the side effect of lorazepam they don't mention
Thinking every spot of white paint on the floor might be one.There. it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
But you guys, that really meant a lot seeing this.
Thank you.
It reminded me of what we all deal with.
It reminded me that not everyone will have an angel come up to them who understands to a "T" that they are having a PTSD panic attack/flashback and know what to say.And it makes me so Freaking angry.
I wonder if anyone read all the way down to the thank you..
Posted by gardenergirl on August 4, 2008, at 19:22:02
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
((((((((((Gabbi))))))))))
Holding you in my heart and my thoughts...
gg
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2008, at 20:01:15
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
(((Gabbi)))
Posted by Partlycloudy on August 4, 2008, at 21:08:44
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
Nobody should have to go through that, Gabbi, not anyone.
(((((Gabbi))))
Posted by Phillipa on August 5, 2008, at 0:33:56
In reply to Oh dear god, posted by Partlycloudy on August 4, 2008, at 21:08:44
Gabbi that is the most tear wrenching story I'v ever heard. Are you better now and your boyfriend? Did you get another doc. Well Happy Birthday and may this next year be much better. Phillipa
Posted by Sigismund on August 5, 2008, at 2:37:43
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
>I wonder if anyone read all the way down to the thank you..
Yes. Oh my goodness.
Posted by daveuk08 on August 5, 2008, at 7:40:09
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
I read from start to finish.
I`m horrified !Dvae (Slinky`s Old Man)
Posted by TexasChic on August 5, 2008, at 10:27:02
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
> I wonder if anyone read all the way down
How could you NOT read to the bottom?! What a horrifying group of experiences!!! And its unconsciable that a doctor would take you off a med and then ignore you when you call to say you're hallucinating (whether that was the cause of it or not)!
I'd like to hear more about the angel. Things like that are why I always say people never cease to amaze me. Right when you've hit rock bottom and it seems like everybody on earth is out to get you, this stranger steps in, and does something they didn't have to do, and no matter how major or minor it is, it can be that one miraculous thing that gets you through. I've had it happen many times and I try to store it in my memory, I usually can't remember the details (stupid brain), but I can store that feeling of someone going out of their way to help me, when they had nothing to gain, or any reason whatsoever to do so. Its easy to let these things get buried by the bigger bad things that always seem to be happening. You know, I think maybe I will try to make a list of all the times someone selflessly went out of their way to help me, and put it somewhere accessible so I can pull it out whenever it feels the whole world has gone mad.
I hope you're feeling better, and if you're up to it, will tell us more about the angel.
-T
Posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 13:37:35
In reply to Re: Horrible, posted by Phillipa on August 5, 2008, at 0:33:56
Thanks Phillipa
It was horrifying, and it's heart wrenching to think of all the people who go through that, and don't have someone to reach out to.
Posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 13:40:55
In reply to Re: Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Sigismund on August 5, 2008, at 2:37:43
Just for being here. I think I've gone through some harsh stuff but that was the most ghoulish.
I have had a bad panic attack before and those have got to be one of the most terrifying experiences a person can go through, but with the added flashbacks, and the nightmare of
reaching out and being verbally slapped- it was as bad as going through the "original version" and calling for help and having someone go, "well I could but.. nyeah..."
Posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 14:21:26
In reply to Re: Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors » Gabbette, posted by TexasChic on August 5, 2008, at 10:27:02
I answered your post TC
but I don't think it showed up.
It just took me three tries to type showed
So I'll answer again, but it may be a little while. : )
Posted by TexasChic on August 5, 2008, at 18:17:48
In reply to Re: Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors » TexasChic, posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 14:21:26
> I answered your post TC
> but I don't think it showed up.
> It just took me three tries to type showed
> So I'll answer again, but it may be a little while. : )I HATE when that happens! It usually happens to me when I've written a big old long post that I put a lot of thought into. You just want to go, "screw it!" But then you think, "But I wanted to say that!".
So just take your time or just say 'screw it', either way I understand. Just know you have my support (as unsteady as that support may be right now).
-T
Posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 19:01:26
In reply to Re: Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors » Gabbette, posted by TexasChic on August 5, 2008, at 10:27:02
But thanks for giving me the option to opt out.
That's exactly what happened too, it was long thought out post, and I don't know where it went.
I used to have things show up on the meds board for some reason, but that was ages ago. That was so embarrassing to me for some reason, it was like showing up in front of a bunch of people naked or something.
> > I wonder if anyone read all the way down
>
> How could you NOT read to the bottom?! What a horrifying group of experiences!!! And its unconsciable that a doctor would take you off a med and then ignore you when you call to say you're hallucinating (whether that was the cause of it or not)!
>That just cut in a place so deep, I can't describe it, especially because I've known this Dr for 20 yrs. I hadn't seen him in the last 7 because I'd moved, but still..we'd always had a good rapport.
I don't think going without 2mgs of ativan alone, would cause hallucinations, it can be brutal if you've been on it a long time, but
that's extreme.But he knows I don't do "recreational drugs" or drink and the thing is I didn't even *ask* him for medication, I called cause I was scared to death!
He acted like this was going to become my new party trick.. it was all some performance to get my drugs..
I could just go to a park and buy it if I was that desperate.
it's so disturbing.
> I'd like to hear more about the angel. Things like that are why I always say people never cease to amaze me. Right when you've hit rock bottom and it seems like everybody on earth is out to get you, this stranger steps in, and does something they didn't have to do, and no matter how major or minor it is, it can be that one miraculous thing that gets you through.IT did, she couldn't "fix it" this was some violent physiological ordeal, that I was trying so damn hard to shake myself out of and couldn't.
But she was so cool, and kind at about 2 in the morning.She just said "Let's go outside and talk"
So I did, and I kept hysterically saying "Can't you smell it? I can smell the bleach it's in my mouth and I'm choking (I'll spare you the details)
I kept collapsing because my legs were buckling.
Just charmingShe looked me right in the eyes and said you are so panicked right now that your autonomic nervous system is sending signals to places it shouldn't, or it's exaggerating how important they are because it's telling you you're in danger"
I'd been telling myself that, but it's so REAL
I needed someone *else* to tell me that it wasn't.
You smell pretty she said, and you stay here with my boyfriend for a second okay, his name is Shane and he's a good guy, so you're safe with him.
This was so sweet (and it made me think she knew exactly what I was going through)
She came out with some gum, and said just keep chewing this and thinking "It's just gum in my mouth, nothing else" that actually really helped.
Then she got me some water, and called a cab for me. Even the cabdrivers reaction was kind of unusual. Of course he didn't know what was going on, but I said "I just went nuts, I went nuts in there and I just screamed"
And he said "You know, sometimes all it takes is just one more thing..."It kind of makes you realize how many people feel pretty desperate.
Well, I went home, and of course I was told panic attacks don't last more than 20 minutes or so but this lasted for a day and a half. I had to stop from calling 911 because it really does feel as if you're dying.
But I kept telling myself what she told me,
it didn't go away but it made me not at least do anything weird..I was feeling suicidal but the panic attacks make everything so terrifying that that didn't seem desirable either.'
I just wish I could find her or plaster her name on a billboard or something to thank her.
As for the Doctor well..
Thanks it's basically like being on fire or being in the original situation and having someone who could have helped say
"Well here I am, staring at you I guess I could help but well nyeeeeeeeeah..I don't think I'll get over that.
Thanks for the support T.C
even if you're a bit wobbley.
It's been good getting this out.
I've had it happen many times and I try to store it in my memory, I usually can't remember the details (stupid brain), but I can store that feeling of someone going out of their way to help me, when they had nothing to gain, or any reason whatsoever to do so. Its easy to let these things get buried by the bigger bad things that always seem to be happening. You know, I think maybe I will try to make a list of all the times someone selflessly went out of their way to help me, and put it somewhere accessible so I can pull it out whenever it feels the whole world has gone mad.
>
> I hope you're feeling better, and if you're up to it, will tell us more about the angel.
>
> -T
Posted by TexasChic on August 5, 2008, at 21:20:59
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » TexasChic, posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 19:01:26
> She looked me right in the eyes and said you are so panicked right now that your autonomic nervous system is sending signals to places it shouldn't, or it's exaggerating how important they are because it's telling you you're in danger"
Wow! She actually knew all the scientific stuff and everything! Now what kind of crazy coincidence is that???
> She came out with some gum, and said just keep chewing this and thinking "It's just gum in my mouth, nothing else" that actually really helped. Then she got me some water, and called a cab for me.
Seriously, I would have never known to do all that stuff she did! I think she was your guardian angel who, while out on a date said, "Oh, honey, hang on a sec, I'm being paged".
> Even the cabdrivers reaction was kind of unusual. Of course he didn't know what was going on, but I said "I just went nuts, I went nuts in there and I just screamed" And he said "You know, sometimes all it takes is just one more thing..."
That's so funny, he was just all nonchalant. That was too cool.
> It kind of makes you realize how many people feel pretty desperate.
I think it shows that there's a lot more people out there that are compassionate and understanding than we think.
> Well, I went home, and of course I was told panic attacks don't last more than 20 minutes or so but this lasted for a day and a half. I had to stop from calling 911 because it really does feel as if you're dying.
I definitely know how that feels! There's been a few times lately when I've actually wondered if I was having a heart attack.
> As for the Doctor well..
> Thanks it's basically like being on fire or being in the original situation and having someone who could have helped say
> "Well here I am, staring at you I guess I could help but well nyeeeeeeeeah..
>
> I don't think I'll get over that.I had a doctor who betrayed me like that. After seeing her for a decade my female problems began to escalate to where I was in extreme pain all the time. She would give me pain killers, do cat scans, put me in medically induced menopause and a million other things that were not at all fun and usually made me sick. In the end her diagnosis was... I was a 'pill seeker'. She said I fit the profile, and even the fact that I started crying when she said that also fit the profile. Basically she couldn't figure it out so she blamed me. I immediately went to a new doctor who put me on a slightly different treatment plan and I haven't had the pain since. I guess the lesson is not all doctors are good at all things.
I'm glad you're feeling better now. Try to keep in mind that there are a lot of people out there who know exactly where you're coming from. Or maybe they're just guardian angels!
-T
Posted by Dinah on August 5, 2008, at 22:08:41
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » TexasChic, posted by Gabbette on August 5, 2008, at 19:01:26
What a beautiful woman. I'm so glad she was there when you needed her.
I can't believe that your doctor did that to you. No matter what his beliefs are on whether controlled substances should be prescribed, it's only responsible to taper your dose and/or give you a medication that achieves the same result. Goodness knows that lack of sleep alone can cause a lot of major mental health issues.
Posted by Gabbette on August 6, 2008, at 13:20:31
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Gabbette, posted by Dinah on August 5, 2008, at 22:08:41
> What a beautiful woman. I'm so glad she was there when you needed her.
>
Yes, she was and likeT.C said, it was amazing that she *knew* so much.
It actually does kind of make me think of a guardian angel, because no one could have been better picked for me. If she'd told me to "go home and take a bath, or take some deep breaths"
I would have appreciated the attempt, but wanted to scream (again) :D
> I can't believe that your doctor did that to you. No matter what his beliefs are on whether controlled substances should be prescribed, it's only responsible to taper your dose and/or give you a medication that achieves the same result.What he did has no sense to it. I don't believe he was being actively cruel. But, but..what he was trying to achieve is beyond me.
He ws the first Dr. to prescribe ativan to me.
He was the one who told me that when I wanted to go off of it, he gave me Clonazepam to do a taper otherwise it could be awful. That was 10 years ago.And now of all times? He knows what's happened with Don is true, because Don is his patient. I referred Don to Dr. Lim because he'd always been a stellar Dr.
AS for even addiction you know, what if you are addicted? It's harder on the person than the Doctor, it's not like people do it as a way to annoy them. There's a lot worse things a person can be, or do, than inadvertantly get addicted to a prescribed med (or any drug)
(Like be a pompous G.P. or Pharmacist, who I'm sure goes home and has a stiff drink after a hard day)And you know, we can't all take vacations, or go to health spa retreats to relieve stress.
But I know I'm preaching to the choir.
It's just so frustrating.
Goodness knows that lack of sleep alone can cause a lot of major mental health issues.
Posted by Sigismund on August 6, 2008, at 16:37:58
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Gabbette, posted by Dinah on August 5, 2008, at 22:08:41
>Goodness knows that lack of sleep alone can cause a lot of major mental health issues.
Absolutely. And yet I'm sure many of you have had the experience of the well rested doctor sitting opposite you telling you with a completley straight face that it will do you no harm at all.That's when I say I have to disagree.
They shift in their seats and tell me I am, of course, entitled to my opinion.
Posted by Gabbette on August 6, 2008, at 17:28:39
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Dinah, posted by Sigismund on August 6, 2008, at 16:37:58
I actually had a psychiatrist admit I had a point.
I give her credit for saying it, but it was still disturbing. She was new to me and wanted me to take seroquel (it was at the time the seroquel pens and mugs were making the rounds)
instead of clonazepam. I said I was really doing fine on what I was taking, because I was.
She gave me the lecture on "Well the long term effects of clonazepam are, blah, memory loss, lethargy"I asked her "How long as Seroquel been out, 2 years or so?" She said "Yes"
I said "Well then, how can you tell me that the long term effects of taking it aren't going to be worse"She then said "You have a good point"
Either, she thought I would just not notice
her nonsensical argument, or she honestly didn't think of that herself and was regurgitating
the pharm literature, there's really no good inference to make there.She probably added a new dx to my chart, like "Difficult patient personality disorder"
but I didn't stay with her long enough to find out.One more anecdote that has nothing to do with anything.
I had a dermatologist (who I now know is notorious for doing this- really you can see for yourself on "Rate M.D" Dr. Kunimoto) once tell me he wasn't going to look at my "problem" because
there wasn't one, He was sitting across from me about 5 feet away. REally, it was that weird. our first meeting, it was like the twilight zone.
He just said "NO" I'd been waiting 2 months to see him.And I said "Could you look, it's scaring me"
He said "No, you may as well tell me green aliens are behind you"I was so upset, because this thing wss very painful, and ugly.
So traumatized and in shock I told the same psychiatrist I just mentioned and she said
"That's just his manner"
That's when my head would have done the exorcist swirl if at all possible.And I said "If I acted that way to you, you would have another Dx on my chart in 10 seconds, that's ludicrous" I left I mean, thinking "This is part of the reason I *need* medication"
And of my favourite quote
"Hell is a place without reason"
Posted by Sigismund on August 6, 2008, at 20:47:18
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Sigismund, posted by Gabbette on August 6, 2008, at 17:28:39
You couldn't make it up. It's so funny and terrible. As, I imagined, it seemed to you.
>Either, she thought I would just not notice
her nonsensical argument, or she honestly didn't think of that herself and was regurgitating
the pharm literature, there's really no good inference to make thereI suppose they have a dim view of humanity, as I do too.
Posted by Gabbette on August 8, 2008, at 18:21:10
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Gabbette, posted by Sigismund on August 6, 2008, at 20:47:18
> I suppose they have a dim view of humanity, as I do too.
I'm sentimental, if you know what I mean
I love the country but I can't stand the scene.
And I'm neither left or right
I'm just staying home tonight,
getting lost in that hopeless little screen.
But I'm stubborn as those garbage bags
that Time cannot decay,
I'm junk but I'm still holding up
this little wild bouquet...
Posted by Gabbette on August 8, 2008, at 18:26:51
In reply to Re: I hope this makes sense. » Gabbette, posted by Sigismund on August 6, 2008, at 20:47:18
To everyone who posted on this thread, every single word was meaningful.
And an extra thank you to Laurie who gave me the opportunity to just get it out.
Posted by karen_kay on August 11, 2008, at 19:33:01
In reply to Gabbi, Gabbi!! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday!!, posted by All Done on August 4, 2008, at 12:23:07
surely a lady of your class would find it in her heart to forgive this thoughtless girl?
i hope you had a great one, doll face. and of ocurse, since i couldn't be the first, i had to be fashionably late. you know me, always wanting to steal the show and all :)
love you babe!
kk
Posted by karen_kay on August 11, 2008, at 19:42:57
In reply to Lots of **TRIGGERS** and spelling errors, posted by Gabbette on August 4, 2008, at 19:07:52
i read down to the thank you part. you're welcome dear.
sounds like you're having one hell of a go at it. i'm not srue what others have said hun, i'm jsut stopping to browse for a moment. but i'm listening dear. just wanted you to know that.
please take care of you. and my bmail is always on. same email too.
kk
This is the end of the thread.
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