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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
This is "small", but has me in a tizzy. I'd really appreciate any advice and/or phrasing suggestions.
Last year I met an older woman in town. We ran into each other occasionally (we both frequent a certain shop) and it was always nice to see her. When I had a situation with the custom work I'd ordered from the shop, I called her, and she gave me terrific advice. To thank her, I wrote a note and gave her a package of a candy made where I'm from. All positive stuff.
Last month I ran into her at the market. She'd just finished her shopping and was headed to meet her husband for coffee. She invited me to join them. I did, it was lovely.
Last week she left a message saying she had something for me, and so I met her and her husband for coffee again. She talked about other friends of theirs, and I got the feeling that she does a lot of "caretaking" ... and in turn gets to talk about her interesting friends. (I'm not that special, but I do have a few traits that are unusual here.)
Well, now she's calling me several times a week, with little things. Monday there was an article in the local paper about a special place to cut your own holiday trees, Thursday she'd been to a museum she thought I might enjoy and called to say she'd left brochures for me at a shop in town. I know these are "small" and "for" me, but I get the feeling that she wants me to behave in a certain way, that I'm supposed to fill a certain role and let her play a role.
This woman is a really pleasant person ... if we can go back to the breezy exchange we had before and take things slowly from there. But I don't know if that's possible. I have a pattern of cutting people off completely (sometimes I do try to explain I need more distance, but often it's poo-poohed and then I cut off) and, selfish as this might sound, I really want to exercise my boundary-setting AND bridge-building.
One thing I've already practiced with her is focusing on +her+ while we were having coffee, rather than talking with her husband. Frankly, I'd have more to discuss with him, but she's already pretty sensitive about the "temptations of younger women" (whatever, but I respect her feelings on that).
Thanks for reading. I'd be interested to hear what possibilities you see.
Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 14:59:28
In reply to how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
Hiya, Med--
> This is "small", but has me in a tizzy.
<<Its not small if it's bugging you.>>and I got the feeling that she does a lot of "caretaking" ... and in turn gets to talk about her interesting friends.
>
> Well, now she's calling me several times a week, with little things. ..........but I get the feeling that she wants me to behave in a certain way, that I'm supposed to fill a certain role and let her play a role.
<<I have a very similar situation with a neighbor here. A little older, no kids, married, 1200 dogs. :-) She's a little more aggressive than I'd like, even calling me at 8 in the morning, which for anyone who knows me, is just insane.Anyway, I don't know how much help I'll be...
I think the tension you feel with this woman *could* be because even though you initially liked her, her emerging personality might not seem so attractive to you. I think you were being very nice when really saying she's nosy and she's a gossip, right? And you are a private person and don't want to be subjected to that....am I way off base?
With the woman in my neighborhood, I'm perfectly pleasant. If she suggests something I think I'll enjoy, I go. If she suggests something goofy, I just say no thanks. I never explain why not, or I'll just say I'm busy that day. I *never* suggest things or invite her anywhere. She seems fine with this. And I don't have to feel obligated to do anything I don't really want to do.
>
> This woman is a really pleasant person ... if we can go back to the breezy exchange we had before and take things slowly from there.
<<If you enjoy coffee with her, can you turn down everything *but* coffee? Maybe she'll just fall into a comfortable habit of seeing you every few weeks for a drink or something...
>>I have a pattern of cutting people off completely (sometimes I do try to explain I need more distance, but often it's poo-poohed and then I cut off)
<<Me, too. I get that emotional, yet almost physical skin-crawly feeling when someone is in my space, up too close. And so I cut them off, like there's no middle ground...I'm gonna say go with the coffee thing....not your house, not hers, somewhere public...and only on occasion. She'll figure it out soon enough.>> and, selfish as this might sound, I really want to exercise my boundary-setting AND bridge-building.
<<Not selfish at all!Good luck.....Susan
Posted by shar on December 12, 2003, at 15:02:15
In reply to how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
M,
Not to sound too flip, but I consider my answering machine a great friend. It allows me to avoid calls I don't want, and return those that I want to (or feel obligated to).Miss Manners says that "Oh, I'm so sorry, I can't make it" is fine for avoiding social situations we would prefer to ...er, eschew.
Shar
Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 15:09:10
In reply to Re: how to phrase a slow-down request? » Medusa, posted by shar on December 12, 2003, at 15:02:15
Shar,
> Not to sound too flip, but I consider my answering machine a great friend. It allows me to avoid calls I don't want, and return those that I want to (or feel obligated to).
>Snort. I haven't picked up either of her calls this week. Her number shows up on caller-ID as "unknown" and I only answer those if it's timing where I just +know+ that stbx is calling for something practical. (He's not psycho about calling for 'small' things, thank gourd.)
I haven't returned her messages, either ... in this case, I really care primarily about developing my own skills. Otherwise, I'd go with the hug-my-answering-machine approach.
I hope my answer (and my snort!) don't seem ungrateful ... I'm on the same page about not picking up the phone. Just need to learn to be more active, for when I'll eventually need it.
Posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 15:29:35
In reply to Re: how to phrase a slow-down request? » Medusa, posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 14:59:28
> 1200 dogs. :-)
you'd think that'd keep her busy ... ;)
> her emerging personality might not seem so attractive to you.
>good point. for one, she has some V-E-R-Y ancient ideas about issues such as adoption and "foreigners".
>nosy and she's a gossip, right?not really - she didn't share personal details, just "nice stories". I think she doesn't have much going on of her own, and other people's lives are a substitute.
> And you are a private person and don't want to be subjected to that....am I way off base?
>you're right, I don't want anyone living vicariously through me.
> <<If you enjoy coffee with her, can you turn down everything *but* coffee?
>I wish I could, but I just don't want to! >;)
Coffee last week was painful. She went on about how this one couple was soooooo charitable for adopting two kids. GMABB, really. She also insisted that I save a lot of money by (insert hobby) and she didn't understand the concept of opportunity cost - that every hour I spend doing X rather than buying finished product is an hour I can't bill, and thus have to figure into the "savings", which don't exist in the first place based +only+ on cost of materials. I had the feeling that her husband was keeping her under control. Or something. He shut her up about my hobby anyway.
I think I might take her to lunch and explain what I can deal with and what not. If I can ever figure out what to say and how to say it.I don't expect miracles. Her main activities outside the house seem to be shopping for and wrapping up care packages, and shopping for and having altered clothes for herself. I got the impression that she doesn't have a bank account of her own - once at coffee, her husband handed her, um, _gobs_ of cash. Like way, way more than a month's household expenses, unless you're buying rooms of new furniture. Which is what made me question the bank account thing, which represents a bigger divide than what she spends does.
Yeah, you're right Suz, it's the personality I'm just not jiving with.
> She'll figure it out soon enough.
>Oh dear Snoozin, you have far more faith in humanity than do I. And remember, this is All About Me! Me Me Me ME ME ME!!! and my communication and social skills.
> Good luck.....Susan
Thanks.
Posted by Susan J on December 12, 2003, at 15:43:22
In reply to Re: how » Susan J, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 15:29:35
Med-
>
> > her emerging personality might not seem so attractive to you.
> >
>
> good point. for one, she has some V-E-R-Y ancient ideas about issues such as adoption and "foreigners".> not really - she didn't share personal details, just "nice stories". I think she doesn't have much going on of her own, and other people's lives are a substitute.
<<OK, and you say *I* think the best of people, huh? :-) She probably *is* lonely, then, and might want to latch onto you....often. I *do* believe if you set a pattern, it'll stick better....
> I think I might take her to lunch and explain what I can deal with and what not. If I can ever figure out what to say and how to say it.
<<I have no idea how to do that myself. When I've *tried* that, I either piss the other person off so much they disappear (problem sort of solved), or they dismiss me kind of like what you said your experiences have been. That's why I tend to lean toward behavior right now, rather than direct communication, of course that might mean I'm a failure. :-)
>>this is All About Me! Me Me Me ME ME ME!!! and my communication and social skills.
<<Well *I* think you communicate very well, and that you're pretty cool! :-)Susan
>
Posted by shar on December 12, 2003, at 16:03:13
In reply to Re: how » Susan J, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 15:29:35
>
And remember, this is All About Me! Me Me Me ME ME ME!!! and my communication and social skills.
>
>
lololol, oh, brother, can I ever relate to that!!!I join Susan in wishing you good luck!
Shar
Posted by tabitha on December 12, 2003, at 16:53:46
In reply to how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
Hmmmm... with someone I didn't know well, I'd probably just try to decide my own limits and stick to them, rather than trying to get her to change from her side. Like.. if I found myself accepting too many invitations or returning too many calls I'd try to reduce to what I really was comfortable with. Or if I found myself answering too many prying questions I'd try to find a way to gracefully sidestep them.
I'm not good at this stuff either. The last time someone overpursued me I kept giving in (though to give myself credit I did say 'no' a lot too), and finally ended up insulting him to the point he stopped trying entirely. :-( So.. er, don't do that.
Posted by Jai Narayan on December 12, 2003, at 17:41:31
In reply to Re: how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by tabitha on December 12, 2003, at 16:53:46
Dear Medusa,
this is such a hard problem...not one I am a stranger to...but hard.
I have some questions:
Do you like her?
What are you getting out of this connection?
Is it worth all this struggle?
do you feel better when you are with her?
Do you feel worse?
What was breezyness for you? (why are the beginnings of connections so much more fun?)
Do you feel trapped?
Do you want to flee?
It seems like you want to run and stay all at the same time. You are caught in a conflicting situation.
I can say a lot of words but you know what it feels like to be in that situation. I don't. Your intuitive mind/body knows what it wants and doesn't want. It's hard cuz you want to stay and want to go at the same time.
That's my input...I hope it helps.
Jai Narayan
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on December 12, 2003, at 20:46:09
In reply to how to phrase a slow-down request?, posted by Medusa on December 12, 2003, at 14:09:46
I seem to have this problem quite a bit. I am so enchanted with meeting new people. The newness of the relationship is so fun for me. And then gradually, as I get to know the person, I become disenchanted and usually want to sever all ties. Just cold turkey. It seems perfectly logical to me. This always leaves some though people pretty hurt and having no clue as to what they did. I am very distressed by this personality trait but have no idea how to work on it.
Since I am the queen of non-confrontation, my tactic is pure avoidance. I am not particularly advising this, but I would say about 3/4 of the people eventually get a clue that since I am not returning phone calls or emails, that I must not want to be bothered.
However, if you genuinely like this woman and want to pursue a friendship, that is wonderful. If you feel somewhat harassed by her, you can always say that your life is pretty chaotic right now and you'll get in touch with her when things slow down. If you don't feel harrassed by her,I don't think you have to do too much. She will eventually get the picture that she needs to ease off a little. At least I hope that would be the case.
This is the end of the thread.
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