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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by john1022 on October 26, 2003, at 17:13:21
Hello,
This is my first post in the babble section. I seem to be having a hard time getting my parents to understand (especially my mom) what I am going through with this depression I am dealing with. She is for the most part VERY supportive, but at times I can sense her frustration in me.
It's almost like she thinks that this is some kind of weakness in my personality and that I should "just get over it". At other times she is very supportive and sympathetic though, more than I could ever ask for and for that I am lucky.
I don't think she has any idea the seriousness of what I am going through and I can't blame her. Two years ago I lived with someone who was depressed and all I remeber thinking is "what's their problem, what is their to be depressed about?" not fully understanding the problem, and for that I am very sorry and very upset at my self for being like that.
I stuck out my job for the first part of my depression, then got on a medication that made me feel much worse and I lost my job. I was really struggling that much that I could not continue with the job.
I am also trying to understand her point of view. I am now homebound living with her and I think she is getting a little frustrated with me around the house. I know I need to get a job soon while I continue to deal with the depression, but it has only been two weeks and I still feel like crap right now and could not possible go out and look for a job at the moment.
Luckily, I had saved up enough money from my last job that I can afford to take some time off at the moment (and she is nice enough to not charge me rent). I am trying not to always be hanging around the house, I am eating better and walking/jogging 3 miles a day and doing everything she wants and thinks is going to "cure" the problem. I mentioned "do you think people that have cancer can just will the cancer away?" and she didn't really respond.
I think she is a little embarrassed for me as I have been an over achiever (just finished master's degree) and have always been a good son, and now this comes out of no where. I think she is having a hard time dealing with it and just acts like it is something I "need to get over". I think she is also a little embarrassed to tell our family members that I am not working or that I have depression. I just don't think she is getting it, although I have tried to explain these feelings. I feel embarrassed as well and can sympathize with her about this part.
Can anyone suggest what I should do? Is there some kind of counseling or something that she could seek to better understand what I am going through?
I am very desperate her as I just want her to understand what I am going through and to not be too worried for me at the same time (although I do think this is serious and both meds I have tried have given me terrible side effects of worse depression and anxiety a few days after taking them). I wish I could say that I am on the road to recovery but it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
I love her very much and she is actually extremely supportive the more I think about it, but I just think she is having a hard time understanding the seriousness of what I am going through. I don't like her having to deal with this as she is too nice and wonderful of a mom to have to deal with this (she is the best and I couldn't ask for anything more, I just want her to understand).
Thank so much
Posted by Dinah on October 26, 2003, at 17:38:02
In reply to Getting parents to understand my depression..., posted by john1022 on October 26, 2003, at 17:13:21
I give my husband short booklets or articles to read on my various medical problems. I don't think he does though.
I don't even try with my parents.... But then, I don't have to live with them.
I think the ability to get others to understand is pretty low. If they haven't experienced it or had people close to them experience it, the old American pull yourself up by your bootstraps seems to be the common notion. :( There ought to be a new name for depression. It's come to mean too many things.
Good luck, and I'm glad she's supportive even if she really doesn't understand.
(You could try sending her to a counselor or bringing her to yours, but I didn't have a whole lot of luck.)
Posted by sfmom on October 26, 2003, at 19:55:20
In reply to Re: Getting parents to understand my depression... » john1022, posted by Dinah on October 26, 2003, at 17:38:02
I'm having the same problem with my husband. How can I expect him to understand when I don't even really understand what I'm going through. Anyone know of a support group for family members? Liturature on the subject?
Posted by fallsfall on October 26, 2003, at 21:20:09
In reply to Re: Getting parents to understand my depression..., posted by sfmom on October 26, 2003, at 19:55:20
I go to a depression support group every week. Sometimes someone comes with a "support" person - spouse, friend, parent. We are always happy to welcome the support person. Sometimes they can get a better feeling for what is going on by hearing more than one person talk about the same thing.
It is very hard for people to understand if they haven't been there.
You might make things easier if you tell her what she can do to help you (i.e. if she asks you to do something give you a long time in which to do it, if you have a chore that she shouldn't do the chore for you, hugs, tell you she loves you, hugs, make sure there is ice cream in the house, hugs). Then she might feel that you have more of a handle on things and that she doesn't need to "cure" you. And she can feel like she is doing something to help.
Good luck, and don't forget to tell her that you love her!
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:05:24
In reply to Getting parents to understand my depression..., posted by john1022 on October 26, 2003, at 17:13:21
Hi, John,
>>I seem to be having a hard time getting my parents to understand (especially my mom) what I am going through with this depression I am dealing with. She is for the most part VERY supportive, but at times I can sense her frustration in me.
<<My mother is exactly the same way...
> It's almost like she thinks that this is some kind of weakness in my personality and that I should "just get over it". At other times she is very supportive and sympathetic though, more than I could ever ask for and for that I am lucky.
<<My mom, too.
> Can anyone suggest what I should do? Is there some kind of counseling or something that she could seek to better understand what I am going through?<<I don't think that anyone who's never experienced depression is ever going to truly *get* it. My therapist once described it to me like, imagine the worst you've ever felt in your life, now multiply that by 100 and suffer it every moment of the day. That *still* doesn't describe it.
I think it would be a great idea to recommend some books to her if she's interested. A lot of times, loved ones of depressed people just feel plain powerless, they want your pain to go away and they have no idea how to help. I don't know any good books for relatives off the bat, but I did like "Unholy Ghost" which is a bunch of short essays by depressed people and the loved ones of depressed people, trying to express their own personal hells, how they cope, how they overcome, etc. I read it when I thought my boyfriend was depressed (hahah, and it was me all the time). It was insightful for *me* though.
I tell my mother that I really appreciate how supportive she's being, but that depression is such an all-consuming thing for me at my worst, that it's imperative I spend every ounce of energy I have on making myself better, or just getting through the day. And since I have no extra energy, I can't reassure her, truly explain depression to her, etc. So if your mom's into reading about it, I think that's a wonderful first step.
Good luck. I know how frustrating it can be when a loved one, even a very supportive loved one, just doesn't get it. They're trying, that's wonderful. It'd be so much worse if they didn't even care...
I'll be thinking about ya,
Susan
Posted by john1022 on October 27, 2003, at 12:24:11
In reply to Welcome to the Club. :-) » john1022, posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 10:05:24
Thanks Susan and everyone else for you suggestions. I definitely want to pick up some literature or possibly the book you mentioned. This is so hard to deal with.
I don't know how myself and my family are going to get through this as I don't seem to be getting any better on any meds. I seem to be getting worse by the day, have been losing sleep and dealing with tinnitus and hypercausis (sensitivity to hearing) which is actually almost just as bad as the depression. If I had a choice of one to be gone, I am not even sure which I would pick. I have such a full plate right now and I am very scared. I don't think God could be me much more to handle than this and I am not sure if I can handle it, but I am going to fight it.
I feel their frustration and at the same time understand why they would be frustrated. But I know they are also very hurt about it, scared and remain sympathetic. I am just not sure they get it though and I can't blame them. They have been losing sleep and they seem very down as well.
Everything had been so perfect for us throughout our lives and we had such a loving, very fun family, very normal until now. I feel this is hurting both my mom and my dad and I can tell they are struggling. I don't like them to feel this way, it hurts me even more. This is so hard and I don't know what to do about it. Thanks for your support
Posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 12:36:12
In reply to Re: Welcome to the Club. :-), posted by john1022 on October 27, 2003, at 12:24:11
Hi again, John
>>Everything had been so perfect for us throughout our lives and we had such a loving, very fun family, very normal until now.
<<That's wonderful! There is no greater, stronger foundation than that! Trust me, no matter how great life is...it can and will throw you some curves...and having a close-knit family is a great resource to have when the going gets tough like this....And you are *still* normal. :-)
>>I feel this is hurting both my mom and my dad and I can tell they are struggling. I don't like them to feel this way, it hurts me even more. This is so hard and I don't know what to do about it. Thanks for your support
<<Yes, they are probably struggling with it, and it's great that you are so sensitive to their feelings, too. But I really think that if there is ever a time to be selfish, it's now. Do everything you can to help yourself feel better...so much of it you have to do yourself, and though your family can be supportive, it's really something they can't intrinsically help you with.It almost sounds like you feel a bit guilty about being depressed and bringing stress on the family. Don't be. It's not your guilt to own. You are suffering through a great battle, as far as I'm concerned, and you *will* make it.
After all, if your mom or dad were the ones really depressed, wouldn't you be there for them, like they are being there for you? Family is supposed to pull together and help one another when it gets rough. You'd do it for them. Let them do it for you.
It's OK to be needy sometimes. Just don't make a lifestyle choice out of it. :-) Once you kick the depression, and you will, you'll be able to get back up on your feet again and contribute to the family, to society, and most importantly, to yourself again....
:=)
Good luck!
Susan
Posted by john1022 on October 28, 2003, at 11:15:20
In reply to Re: Welcome to the Club. :-) » john1022, posted by Susan J on October 27, 2003, at 12:36:12
Thanks for the support Susan
>> It almost sounds like you feel a bit guilty about being depressed and bringing stress on the family. Don't be. It's not your guilt to own. You are suffering through a great battle, as far as I'm concerned, and you *will* make it.You are right I do feel a little guilty. I can tell this is taking its toll on my family, so it is hard not to feel guilty. But your advice puts things in perspective, your right its not my guilt to own. And this to shall hopefully pass and things will be back to the way they were someday soon.
>>After all, if your mom or dad were the ones really depressed, wouldn't you be there for them, like they are being there for you? Family is supposed to pull together and help one another when it gets rough. You'd do it for them. Let them do it for you.
I would be by them 100%! You are right. I think they will continue to be supportive of me. Maybe I just have to be patient and give them time to understand a little more about what is going on. My mom went as far as to tape a program about depression on tv for her to watch this morning, so that made me feel better about it.
>>> It's OK to be needy sometimes. Just don't make a lifestyle choice out of it. :-) Once you kick the depression, and you will, you'll be able to get back up on your feet again and contribute to the family, to society, and most importantly, to yourself again....
Great advice. I will definitely not make a habit out of being needy. I BELIEVE that I will beat this and everything will be back to normal sometime soon. Thanks again for the kind words. It is amazing how every bit of support helps and your post definitely did help and make me feel better. Take care
Posted by Susan J on October 28, 2003, at 12:17:20
In reply to Re: Welcome to the Club. :-), posted by john1022 on October 28, 2003, at 11:15:20
Hiya,
\
> Thanks for the support Susan
<<Sure, I'm glad it's helpful....>
> You are right I do feel a little guilty. I can tell this is taking its toll on my family, so it is hard not to feel guilty. But your advice puts things in perspective, your right its not my guilt to own. And this to shall hopefully pass and things will be back to the way they were someday soon.
<<When I first realized I was depressed, and it was bad, I felt *very* guilty about a lot of things, including not even loving my mother who was trying to look out for me. But guilt is a symptom of depression in itself...knowing that helped me, like it wasn't really real.>> I would be by them 100%! You are right. I think they will continue to be supportive of me. Maybe I just have to be patient and give them time to understand a little more about what is going on. My mom went as far as to tape a program about depression on tv for her to watch this morning, so that made me feel better about it.
<<Excellent! Your parents care. But they may not always be able to support you in the way you need support. It's very helpful to say clearly to them what you need. Like when I'm depressed, I need my mother to *not* ask me any questions about my life. I need her to focus on other people. But *she* just sees her daughter sitting there, quiet and sad, and thinks she *must* do something to help me and draw it out of me.>
> Great advice. I will definitely not make a habit out of being needy. I BELIEVE that I will beat this and everything will be back to normal sometime soon.
<<You'll beat it. :-) I think I have, to a degree. Things are getting a little wacky again, but I *do* feel stronger this time around....We'll see.
Good luck!
Susan
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