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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 0:52:48
death accomplishment
so seductive
it tugs at me
more now than ever
the stupid fantasy
the stupid fantasy
the death fantasy...
maybe ill make it to heaven after all
lets not talk about it...
its hard to talk about.My apologies to the writer of the above words I rearranged to try to keep from totally flippin my lid tonight.
Alii
Posted by Gabbi on July 16, 2002, at 2:39:32
In reply to death accomplishment (an unfinished poem), posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 0:52:48
Alli, I've been down that road so many times, that I know there isn't really much anyone can say to take that feeling away.
As much as I make stupid jokes about mangos, almost every day for the past two years I've had to make a conscious decision to choose to live, other times I curse that I can't just will my heart to fail.
I'm thinking of you tonight, caught in that other dimension of fear and isolation, willing you to wait it through, it does end.
But of course I write that very thing to myself in my journal every time I feel a bit better. When I crash again, I never believe it! I think this time its REAL it is my LIFE not the damned depression. But it is.To loosely quote another hell and back and back again person...
Bad things might really be happening, just cause your depressed doesn't mean your life isn't a mess!
What the depression deprives you of is the ability to see that its not forever, and it produces a sense of hopelessness, and helplessniss.
Of course you can know possibilities exist, but it doesn't change the emotion (not for me anyhow)I hope I haven't said too much, particularly because I don't know your situation, which may not be anything like mine.
I'll stop now partly because I'm getting way to melodramatic ick!!!!And because the real message is that I'll be thinking of you and I know anyone else who sees your message will be too. I hope you have some peace tomorrow.
Please check in and let us at leat know how you are doing, Take care
Gabbi
Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2002, at 2:48:44
In reply to death accomplishment (an unfinished poem), posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 0:52:48
And sending good thoughts your way. Given my relentlessy cheerful mood, I won't say more. I know relentlessly cheerful doesn't help much at times like these.
Keep on fighting Alii.
Dinah
Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2002, at 7:31:24
In reply to death accomplishment (an unfinished poem), posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 0:52:48
There's a question right up your alley on Psyco-Psycho Babble about nontraditional forms of therapy to reach deeper levels. I read it and thought of you.
If you've got the energy, I thought it might be an interesting discussion to you.
Posted by babyBella on July 16, 2002, at 18:48:38
In reply to Re: Alii, if you're up to it...., posted by Dinah on July 16, 2002, at 7:31:24
I don't fully know your situation but I know that I have been down that road many times. I know that it seems like a one way road that you can't make a U-turn on but sometimes you have to be stronger than your depression. I know it's hard and I don't want to sound like I'm preaching, that's not my intent at all. Just remember that we all are thinking of you and welcoming you with open arms. Sometimes your depression feels like your bestfriend (for me anyway) but a bestfriend does't hurt you. We are here and I hope you are feeling better soon.
babyB
Posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 20:29:00
In reply to Re: death accomplishment (an unfinished poem) » alii, posted by Gabbi on July 16, 2002, at 2:39:32
the check in--
slept until after 4 p.m. not a good sign even if I needed a lot of sleep
more likely from the sleep aid I did turn to
life becoming the sinking fog....hazy, odd, and not quite reality
---Alii
Posted by Gabbi on July 16, 2002, at 21:18:14
In reply to ...unfinished... , posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 20:29:00
thanks for the check in... and well I don't know ya, but I do know that the most I can ever do is wait it out... But I'm going to give some of my favorite tips, and just in case you don't read to the end, I will let you know NOW!!!! I'm dripping with sarcasm.
Maybe you should drink more water?
Maybe you should think of someone besides yourself?
Did you ever think maybe you talk yourself into this state?
Maybe you should try pushing yourself a little harder
Maybe you push yourself to hard
What would you do if you had a REAL problem
I saw this guy with terminal cancer cerebral palsy and no face and he could WATERSKI!
Did you take your vitamin B
Have you tried meditation?
You just need to make a decision and stick to it.
Well if I took all the pills you did I'd feel like crap too.
Oh we all have down days.(my favorite)And of course I must add this disclaimer, yes some of these things really do help people, but I don't believe those people are in THE pit.
Wishing you a better day tomorrow, Alli
Posted by mair on July 17, 2002, at 11:41:35
In reply to Re: ...unfinished... » alii, posted by Gabbi on July 16, 2002, at 21:18:14
How about...
You just need a good night's sleep
Mair
Posted by mair on July 17, 2002, at 11:50:40
In reply to death accomplishment (an unfinished poem), posted by alii on July 16, 2002, at 0:52:48
Alii
I can certainly identify with the poem. Sometimes I get caught up in certain visual images of suicide that I can't seem to escape. I think of it as my "siren song" (If I ever write a poem about this it's going to be called the Siren Song of Suicide) and feel equally as powerless as was Odysseus(sp.) at redirecting my thinking or energies. I think what others have said about hunkering down and riding it out is pretty apt. Sometimes it seems that it helps a little to think of it as just fantasy - I mean how many of us really ever get to experience our fantasies? That sort of keeps it in the realm of dreaming and out of the realm of the "good idea." Most importantly, keep posting and know that we're all rooting for you.
Mair
Posted by ctrlaltndel on July 17, 2002, at 11:56:51
In reply to Re: ...unfinished... » alii, posted by Gabbi on July 16, 2002, at 21:18:14
You must try and alter your lifestyle it's no fun you being ill all the time
(course not!)
You can't spend your life being shut away
(I like it this way)
I haven't told anyone about your illness
(ashamed)it's a letter from one family member I got today
Posted by Dinah on July 17, 2002, at 14:05:47
In reply to Re: ..., posted by ctrlaltndel on July 17, 2002, at 11:56:51
All from one family member! What a day you've had dreamer.
Now I wish my father would be a bit ashamed of my illness. He tells everyone up to and including the postman his version of my problems.
Relatives!!! Of course the positive take on it is the satisfaction of knowing that at least we didn't choose them.
Posted by alii on July 17, 2002, at 17:16:06
In reply to Re: death accomplishment (an unfinished poem), posted by mair on July 17, 2002, at 11:50:40
>>That sort of keeps it in the realm of dreaming and out of the realm of the "good idea."<<
Mair--
The clarity my mind feels sans the medications cannot be described. And it does bring about the confusing choices as to what constitutes a good idea versus one that brings about more harm.
Good ideas? eating and staying hydrated, getting some sun and fresh air, painting, finding myself smiling when listening to music for the first time in AGES because it is once again touching that part of me inside that is usually dulled by the meds
Bad ideas? waiting any longer to take my meds, not calling the pdoc, not finding a therapist, not going to acupuncture, not being honest with oneself about the reality of life without meds
I know the inevitable bump in the road ahead but for now golly feeling alive while sinking is better than a life lived under the haze of meds.
--Alii
This is the end of the thread.
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