![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 65 to 89 of 89. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 21:51:16
In reply to Re: revision, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 21:46:23
and the 'laws' or 'rules' are... conversational.
with multiple versions and infinite variations. permutations.
fertile ground for various interpretations...
so it is hard to access a definitive, unaltered, authorative version...
and i guess we think we are better off as a society or culture living like this than having clear rules and a system of justice.
i guess the bullies like things this way.
and so there's a lot of full grown elephants, about, doing the thing they do when they were staked when they were little.
the learned helplessness thing you beat into people.
telling them various things are 'culturally inappropriate' for them (things like reading, writing, arithmetic). things like chemistry, mathematics, physics.
and then other people (the ones we love, apparently) get told to fake it till they make it and take what you can when you can because you'll have got whatever it is that was any good and left before anybody else figures you out!
and people don't have realistic self assessment.
and if people do nobody listens to them becuase everyone spouts a constant stream of garbage...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 21:57:33
In reply to Re: revision, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 21:51:16
i am just really tired of finding some combination of incompetent / corrupt people in positions of power over me.
especially when they could simply choose to work together for a greater good. but they don't. they choose to bicker and squabble and bitch and moan and gossip between and amongst each other.
and i just see these puppies squabbling and fighting for the 'prime' place at the centre of the pack.
and i wonder why they don't want to be part of something greater. something better. something more productive. something where people are pleasant to each other and contribute and so on. why they gotta be oppositional and ripping things down and holding things up?
i don't need them to 'want' to help me. just do their f*ck*ng job is all. just do their f*ck*ng job.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:08:55
In reply to Re: revision, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 21:57:33
suppose you live in a country where people are hierarchical and competitive rather than cooperative...
then you would need to be careful about privacy when / while you try and figure things out.
because people will only use information about your sensitivies / weaknesses in order to better exploit you.
it is tiresome.
lowest levels.
the people are generally worse at the lowest levels.
the worst of the people in charge of research are dumped on the graduate students. since the graduate students are the lowest down the hierarchy... and so on...
i guess...
i am close.
or they wouldn't be being so nasty to me.
that seems to be the idea.
they must really be concerned that I'm amazing when they start flunking me out and lying about my GPA and submission date and application to enrol date and so on...
the bigger the lies they tell...
the better i must be.
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:16:05
In reply to Re: revision, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:08:55
i was surprised at how my 'friends' turned on me.
saying my thesis was rubbish.
before reading it.
then denying it.
then being like 'well you failed stuff as WELTEC too'
'youve been really mixed in recent years'because of the level of corruption / ineptitude of those in positions of power.
that's f*ck*ng well why.
i mean...
i had no head injury between funded offers to study PhD at every institution I applied to in Australia and first year population health essay on an aspect of equity.
i had no head injury between that and sport science at tech.
with friends like that who need enemies?
they prefer to think of themselves as better than me - which is why they have more. they didn't think that the only reason why i've had nothing in this country over the last however many years was because of injustice.
they think they work hard / work harder than me -- but I've lived with them and see how hard they work and seen how much they insist on me stopping my work and interacting more with / hanging out more with them -- and they have no f*ck*ng idea of how hard I have worked.
and then they want to start up about how i must be stupid then.
and i think about how often i have to slow the truck down and make explicit the 2 or 3 or 4 steps that went between a and e or whatever...
and i'm done.
with friends like this...
i guess it's because...
i don't f*ck*ng care anymore.
honestly.
i don't f*ck*ng care anymore.
i'm done working hard on trying to understand things and people that are the result of people nd peoples actions when adn where they simply don' tthink, at all, and profit and continue to profit from their thoughtlessness.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:40:15
In reply to Re: revision, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:16:05
and i guess that's just the story they tell themselves because it helps the world see a little more just and it's easier to live in a world where things appear to be just.
it's a... shifting... that is required for them to think that i am competent, after all.
and perhaps a shift for me.
i suppose many of the kids will have been trained in 'get on in there' and so on. i will have to try and find the right balance. try and find grad entry people who got in under competitive entry. try and find a group who are interested in studying for USMLE. try and figure out the timeline... by myself if I have to... it would be really rather better to not be totally alone in doing that...
i am procrastinating the final touches on the thesis...
it has been hard. a mixed year. times of... nothing. crying in bed procrastination. becuase that is required as part of my process. then times of intensely focused work over an extended time period. bursts and fits.
more recently there was a period of forced inactivity over the break... and then a period of... strategic inactivity. coming to a plan.
the university refused to grade the thesis in accordance with calendar regulations. they should have said it was accepted subject to revisions to be completed within 10 weeks. but they didn't do that. instead, they decided that since i submitted 'early' they would just say 'you are required to keep working on it for at least 6 months'. only... 30 weeks work is an academic year and i worked on it for 27 before submitting...
only... they didn't enrol me on time, either. and so they are trying to deny i did 8 weeks of work. but the calendar regulations are that they need to have enroled me within a month after i applied. they tried to deny my application date, too. they time stamp altered it so it was late!
incompetence after incompetence after incompetence...
i need it to be non-controverally 30 weeks of work on my behalf.
there were reccommendations for changes by the examiners...
my supervisor was like 'i think you should sit in the corner and have a cry about how extensive the changes are and how hard it will be and how you might fail!'
and i was like 'i don't think that will help'.
every time she finds 15 typos she seems to think she has found a months work for me (more like a few hours).
trying to think about what is 'reasonable' work to give them...
after the intentionally f*ck*d me over. that's the thing.
but once it is done i will never have to do anything for them ever again.
and they know it. and so are using their opportunity to make my life as hellish as possible.
i actually thought they might be nice to me. might hope i get to study med. train to be a specialist. come back to the region and work in the local hospital. may be able to help them, one day.
but they chose they would rather bet against me and do their damned-est to have me fail.
it's not personal. it's just their way.
because they would rather be the head of their hierarchy and live their nasty short and bruish lives. sigh.
to each their own.
if only.
anyway... they aren't extensive changes.
i just imagine my supervisor and the head of the research school, though... them being all stern and so on about it. it's them. i don't want to work for them. i don't want to give them my work. i don't want to have interaction with them, at all. awful people. being awful to me.
i guess they like that. to think that they don't get much work done - and neither does anybody else in their vicinity. nobody gives them good work.
only by stealth submission, that's for sure.
you can see the overly processed stifled turn of phrase that comes from... sufficiently kept graduate students. how they say next to nothing. emptied of meaning. until their supervisors are smug and self satisfied that they knocked any originality or anything delightful well out. any kind of youthful enthusiam or love of learnign or knowledge or....
awful people.
it only really needs... a few days. if that. a day. maybe two. given how much i can get done in a day. maybe only one.
the thing is i mostly don't want to change anything at all. that will only likely introduce typos.
it's about...
that awful thing of 'let me google that for you' to add references. that's what academia has been reduced to, these days. people handily have precisely whatever it is that you said in their title, these days, even. sigh.
only it won't be. becuase i've actually picked up the phrases from peoples talks, mostly. and mostly talks were derived from papers or from papers they read and so on.
they didn't make kripke reference. or quine. most people who have things to say don't reference.
anyway... i know what to do / what needs to be done.
i got a lot of research doen when i was an undergraduate. largely because there was no undergrauate research school committee head people supervisory people of that to stick their bloody oars in and slow things down to a f*ck*ng stop. i see that now.
hey, when you can't get any research done you know i'ts your calling in life to make sure nobody else does, either - right?
and when you can't get registration to practive medicine it's probably time to go teaching and / or admin.
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:59:03
In reply to Re: procrastination, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:40:15
and now i feel bad because i said it only required maybe a few days...
because the thing is it's about looking after my supervisor - saying whatever it is that she wants me to say, because she's required to sign it off.
so she's enjoying the power she thinks she has.
but she wants me to have a breakdown about how much work needs to be done.
only it's really not a lot of work.
the first examiner did their job really well. with respect to showing my supervisor how to supervise a thesis. with respect to starting off with questions about the nature of the project. the scope of the project. to find a project around the right size so the depth / breadth was good for the size it was going to be. then questions about readings again for depth / breadth. then into more questions / critiques for each of the chapters. then sentences that were problematic. bits that needed reference / to be toned down. typos.
of course that doesn't mean that my whole project is crap and i have to start over. that doesn't mean my project is at the wrong focus. that doesn't mean that my reading wasn't sufficient.
these are the sorts of questions that would come up in an oral defense -- that the universtiy is too cheap to fund. but these are the standard questions that my supervisor should have been asking of me along the way... she didn't.. but i know how these things go... i can defend my thesis along these lines... my thesis doesn't need altering along these lines...
but my supervisor thinks i should take these on board and cry in teh corner.
she has become my worst enemy. she turned out to be a total flake. i can't carry her through this. she is paid to help me. or at least to not get in my way i would have thought... i can't sit with her crying in the corner about it. sorry. go find some other elephant who you can find to induce guilt...
while you collect your paycheck every week.
no sympathy.
________________________
the larger questions most often missed the point. intentionally mischaracterised me. it's a common bully sort of tactic in philosophy discussion time. i think the idea, really, is that it is an invitation to clarify a point that may be missed by a less careful reader. Sometimes an invitation to spell out some of the ramifications or consequences for something that seems actually important or interesting that others may have missed. The short answer, then, would be for me in a oral defence to defent it. To say 'read the intro again where I say what the point of that was' or whatever.
Also with the 'link things better because I"m lost' remark. The point of a written introduction (rather than spoken) is that the reader can re-read it to themselves at their very own pace as many times as they need to. I encourage the reader to put a f*ck*ng bookmark in the introduction if they find themselves gettting lost.
I know many theses are very litle content with very much repetition at the start and end of every chapter and very much repetition between all of the bits. I think the reader may be a little smarter than this, however, and I implore the reader to try and follow along and book mark the intro if you need to.
I do think science has made me smarter.
_______________________
More references. Sure. That bit is colloquial. Sure. Typos here there and everywehre. Sure.
I didn't just work on it for 27 weeks. They made me work on it for 2 more weeks after submitting (conned me into it, honestly, with the promise it wouldn't hold up the grading). So that's 30 weeks right there.
And I didn't work normal working days. Iniitally I wasn't thinking of it as 'weeks' I was thinking of 120 points as 1200 hours of work. And thinking the hours junior doctors work and labour law violations and so I worked f*ck*ng long hours to get it done...
I've laboured on it for more focused hours than any MPhil they have passed before, I bet.
It is at the point where more time makes it differnt and not better. Just shuffling typos around.
It's more about working my way into... Probably 1 or 2 days on it.
And my supervisor will have a cow about that.
But if I listen to my supervisor and do what she wants... I'll still be her MPhil student 10 years from now throwing another years worth of money at the University while she laments my stupidity and slowness while collecting up her paycheck every week.
SO I guess I'll just let her have a cry in the corner. And she can console herslef with her paycheck.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 23:05:51
In reply to Re: procrastination, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 22:59:03
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww she had 4 classes she was teaching last semester and one of them was a whole new course she chose to write for the semester so she didn't hvae time to be more obstructive around the time of my thesis submission.
it didn't occur to her to contract out any of her teaching work?
i know heaps of graduate philosphy people who would do anything anything anything for a job in philosophy!
but they don't get to work in philosophy because there isn't any philosophy jobs for them.
the people who have the jobs in philosophy aren't makeing journals of their best students work (they prefer to beat them out of working) they aren't making journals of their own work (they prefer to have too much teaching) they aren't hiring post-docs or more lecturers...
no.
i have no sympathy when i see what they have chosen to do to the subject in NZ.
they have pretty much killed it. with all of their infighting bickering squabbling and petty petty ways.
it's just not fun, anymore.
but at least they get paid. right?
that's why people are still in philosophy.
becuase of the people.
because they pay them.
living the dream.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 23:21:21
In reply to Re: procrastination, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 23:05:51
It's because biology people are the fastest to finish. The culture in biology (with biotechnology) is that you get done with your thesis in the minimum time. It's a really big deal.
But the philosophy people are probably the slowest to finish, especially in NZ. People get sucked into making their PhD their lifes work instead of the idea of getting through your PhD swiftly so you are getting paid to do your lifes work. Mostly because people are led to believe that there won't be jobs or university affiliation for them if they finish, but if they stay PhD students they can get a succession of teaching work and an office and the undergraduates will think they are lecturers / professors / they can't tell the difference, anyway!
I would imagine the biology students piss off to overseas PhDs quick smart after honours.
Arts students are encouraged to spend 2 years doing a 1 year Master's research degree so they can take their time... Blah blah blah excuses... Blah blah...
We typically don't acknowledge that we have forced them back to part time status and the degree doesn't count towards GPA (but then we do this to the very best students)...
Then give them a worse grade for the MA than we did for their Honours work...
But it doesn't count because it was only part time.
But it's the beginning of the end.
I guess the idea is to split as soon after graduation as possible.
Because that's the start of the swampy swamp swamp.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:18:07
In reply to clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 25, 2019, at 23:21:21
because i see they try the exact same thing on with the junior doctors. come out the end of your degree and then you are supposed to take just one more year before you can apply for specialist training. only, i think maybe it is actually just one more again. so two more years. but actually no, i think there is just one more other year that you need to do as well before you can apply to specialist training. so that's three years. just three more years after your one year. and you practically will be the head of the unit! the most senior person in the whole hospital! after just 3 years of workign in the hospital after finishing your degree. you will be practically an orthopedic surgical consultant! insoar as your people can tell. and it's because of your sheer and utter brilliance that you got all the way there when you are only, like, 23 or 24 years old.
i do understand.
i suppose i am learning, doing this.
i suppose i am learning stuff i will likely need to return to.
because mostly here is a culture of bullies. that is the kiwi way. if you don't know the procedure for standing up to the bullies then it is impossible.
i cry at the opportunity cost to new zealand of things being the way they are... hierarchical and competitive and people taking what htey can when tehy can at other peoples expense if at all possible. i suppose i appreciate that most places are mostly like this. there are little pockets... little pockets of things being different. often only temporary because psychopaths infiltrate and ruin things for everyone. but sometimes there are clever systems. i guess that's partly what good administrative law is. we don't really do law, here.
if i don't hear back from the VC's within 3 working days to say what procedure they are following and when is reasonable for me to hear back then I need to go to the Ombusdman. I don't know after that...
Seeing about moving back to Auckland in temporary accommodation. I suppose I will need to get used to that. Because they ship you various places for sections.
Living with others temporarily could be good if there is a common ends. But people tend to be hierarchical and competitive and constrantly trying to get another to give up their own ends and be a slave towards them obtaining theirs.
So...
__________
It is jealousy. Just get it done and get out.
And it was jealousy I felt before... Why I didn't want to be friends with the people who were doing Med.
I didn't like that in myself - I didn't anything nasty to them or mean to them or intentionally cold or dismissive or whatever...
It's just...
Well...
Back to that thing, again. Like how I used to smoke really rather a lot. And I realised that anybody who I might potentially want to be with (as in a good life partner) would not want to be with me / would not be attracted to me / would not like me. Because anyone... Worthy? I guess... Would not be able to be close to someone who was so obviously self-loathing / self-destructive.
Who would want to be my friend when I'm being continually failed and denied and declined and kicked back and so on...
Who could handle that?
I don't mean in small doses...
But generally, the only people who have wanted to be closer to me in more recent years are people... Vultures. Circling the carrion...
I need to remember... When I feel sad for / sorry for these people and I feel tempted to slow down and help them...
If they situation was reversed they would not look back.
If they see opportunity to kick at me, they will take it, with glee.
Minimse time spent.
Act professionally.
Don't treat your 'friends'.
YOu wouldn't be sufficiently 'objective' and so they would probably be worse off.
I see.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:36:43
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:18:07
minimise time spent.
which is, of course, why genuine and genuinely caring people are desperate to get the kids they love expediated out and away as quickly as possible.
for the opportunity of a better life.
and often more particularly so when their kids are sensitive and trusting and kind and so on.
i really hope things come through for me.
i do not want my lifes contribution in this hell-hole to be losing international accreditation for universities and medical schools.
wanangas all around.kamakaze...
when there is no other way out.
some people internalise (suicide) and other externalise.
i see.
i suppose i wouldn't have looked into the US system if it wasn't for all that.
my biggest problem is in trusting people and other people seeing that i'm trusting and seeing that they can lie to me and bully and manipulate me by suggesting / insinuating / outright accusing me of being a nasty / bad / unthinking person. I need to remember that it's a variable behavior thing they are doing from panic / fear and any rise at all is a reinforcer for them. there's often very little intent. rationality.
i see why someone was obsessed with zombies...
consciousness... morality...
some of the bigger / more foundational / fundamental things... when you start to apprehend them they start to see linked. and when people are unable to apprehend one... they seem to be unable to apprehend another... the questions... trying to have a tractable methodology... i don't know... this doesn't make much sense.
anyway...
tidying things up... a few days... then it will be done.
i feel like... feeling upset / scared or whatever would be a victory for them. they want me to feel these ways. that's often how they feel. they can't hendle it very well. they want to induce it in me and see how i handle it and maybe they can learn from that / discover a better way.
my way is to not allow the feelings to get a grip of me, in the first place.
__________
most of the advice on how to finish a thesis / disseratation is precisely opposite and upside down and back to front and so on. they go on about how what you need is social supports and so on. but the only people who will want to 'support' you if you aren't working to time is the vultures attracted to the carrion.
what you need to do really is get the hell away from the other people who are only likely to be dragging you down...
minimise time spent.
sure, mutually beneficial collabotarive... but you drag that up from someone who decides to drag their heels... put a bunch of people who can't write together to write and likely they'll conjure up 2x the excuses and the excuses will multiply so more like 3x the excuses for even less work.
the recipe for 10+ years...
anyway... it is done.
i am learning the puine salvage pathway. because when i learn a bit it is like 'yay, i've learned it, i've done something productive'.
make the concrete changes...
get it done.
i did my work in the face of nobody else doing theirs. nobody else, at all. not a single person in the university did what the calendar said they should. not a single one.
(except library staff and one guy over in comp sci went out of his way to offer LaTeX support)
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:50:29
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:36:43
but there weren't calendar rules on library staff or on computer support for computer science students (or students from other faculties who think that maybe the computer science people might know how to offer computer support)...
maybe it is supposed to be a lesson in how you cannot do certain things when the structures are not there.
the structures are not there in the public sector in this country.
yeah.
the structures are not there in the pubic sector in this country.
that is why they want to not have hospitals. because they are that disfunctional. like how the universities are that dysfunctional.
so it is about my handing in the hardcopy of the thesis.
i wasn't sure, before. i wasn't sure how i shuold stand up for myself. i was afraid that if i kept working without them signing off on the work i'd done then they were taking me for a chump and what was the difference between me doing that and someone still doing that 10 years later...
and it seemed like the next step was them saying they accepted it and giving me a new deadline on making the changes (within 10 weeks) but they wouldn't... they made up some bogus thing that is not an outcome of assessment -- they actually need to deliver an outcome of assessment in reasonable time.
but i see, now, that i just hand the f*ck*ng thing in in hardcopy. and then it is done. that is basically it.
they accept it (they get a thesis from me) or they don't accept it (they don't get a thesis from me -- i appeal that because it is manifestly false that it isn't good enough).
so the difference is only in handing it in, in hardcopy.
it is worse than it would have been if they had have done their job.
becuase you can't force slaves to work.
and by not acknowledging the work i did in a timely fashion they knocked the part of me that gives a f*ck well out.
which they seem to take to be their job, really. i'm sure that's just glorious for them. yes, i feel like you do. you managed to induce that feeling in me. well done. victory is yours. you paid it forwards. well done. i'm so glad you got to be head of graduate research so as to make it infinitely more likely that inspired and motivated and brilliant graduates will go out into the world and contribute greatly and the reputation will grow for the wonderful graduates we produce.
or... we can just sit around sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t sh*t it's all sh*t. yes, you are the head of the sh*tty sh*t for all the sh*tty sh*t that the people produce around you.
f*ck*ng horrible people.
still, they get paid well.
if they really didn't like it they could probably afford for the greencard lottery, so i won't feel too bad for them.
they don't know how to work to time.
but given the number of people who want jobs... i simply do not understand why they refuse to hire the competent ones.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:17:06
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 17:50:29
and it really is all about the deadline.
and about diminishing returns.
under the old system (of loss of 5 per cent, or one grade point per day) i did hear of people waiting a day thinking they could make more than one grade up. but the good students (the ones who didn't piss about in the first place) discovered that the difference was more 2 or 3 per cent when you are looking in the B+ / A- / A / A+ sort of grade ranges and not one whole grades worth, unless you really messed up (and wanted to gamble with going on to mess up your other deadlines). so it wasn't worth taking the extra time.
so they learned to work to time. to satisfice a bit. to say 'good enough' before passing it on to the next guy for grading or assessment or whatever. that isn't to say they didn't do the best they could in the time they had. maybe working to mid-night if they could pull it off without making things worse for other things (shuffling procrastination around) for other classes.
i was good at managing my time. i liked the psychology modules that required you to do that by juggling more less points value classes. you got good at time management and at working hard to bring up your weakest link for the GPA. it was... fun. i learned a lot. flow. working to capacity. working to my capacity of juggling how little sleep i could get away with and so on...
it starts with a deadline. and meeting the deadline. like how the kids do examinations and time's up and they're done. though i guess these days it's more likely they'll intentionally design the exams so you only need about 1/2 the time so there is no way the exam can tell the difference between the kids who can work to time and the kids who can't (because then we might have to acknowledge that some of them can actually work to time).
there is this medrevue thing the kids do... like a gleeclub sort of a performance thing. some of them are filmed sometimes. i saw one and there was a song and there was a line about how 'i've forgotten more than an arts student learns in a lifetime'. and i thought 'ouch' at the time. but an aspect of it rings true. only the truth of it is more 'i've forgotten more than an arts student is allowed to learn in a lifetime'. and that's the way of it. either too much or not enough. never ever ever ever ever the case that people can work to their flow and build their capacity...
that would be more like the free world.
but it's the deadline that makes it different. possible. an end in sight.
the knowledge of diminishing returns.
and also the knowledge that you can spend your life revising things different (or sometimes even worse) trading off one problem for another problem that is even worse, or whatever. at some point you gotta call 'good enough. time! done'.
the thing with graduate school is: but when's that?
best i can figure...
you should draw on what you know. what you did right to get you there.
what worked for me what working to the deadlines. working to a timeline. at the start of the year numbering out those working weeks and putting in all my assessment dates and my lecture dates and times so i knew exactly where i was supposed to be and when and what was coming and so i could manage my time.
but when you do research then you don't have those external guidelines. so what's to stop you still working on it 10 years later?
the undergraduate guidelines, seems to me.
a 120 point program of study is 1 academic year's work. whether it be a first year, second year, third year, or honours year. whether it be a masters year or a mphil year or a phd.
that's 30 working weeks and up to 12 weeks of examination. for every 120 points.
and that's all.
seems to me.
the issue is having a light touch...
having a light touch.
the issue in why i post here instead of talking to my 'friends' is different people have different... things they need to hear. some people need a heavy hand and some people need a light hand. dan john is a wonderful coach -- some of his early stuff if genius (they recognised it far too late -- but glad to see he's getting some reward now). but anyway, one of the things he was great at was how coaching cues can be very different from the reality of the situation. if you can tell the athlete to try and do x or to imagine they are trying to do y then those things can be lies -- but the things they need to hear that get them doing what it is that they are supposed to be doing (the ideal movement pattern / muscle activation sequence.
my dad always said i needed a really light touch. it used to... he didn't like it how mother would scream at me and hit me because he only needed to speak sternly or raise his hand like he was thinking about it... and i would orient to him and listen. i only ever needed a really light touch. and i was was responsive to instruction and reason.
i need to think of it for myself (so i do the best work i can do, right now) that it only needs a light touch. the lightest of touches. not much work at all. only a couple hours.
(and it will be more work -- but it won't feel like it after a couple hours).
but mostly resisting the urge to change everything that could be better. becuase that will likely be a time sink leading to much anguish and trading of one error for another.
i have read through the examiner reports multiple times. and they have pulled out the bits the think are the worst / most in need of fixing up. i think... in reading through... i basically agree...
so it basically is about trusting my judgement. those particular things.
often i do have references in mind.. newspapers. i wasn't sure how philosophy would cope with those. but they don't seem to mind them.
there are lots of newspaper articles on slum housing and executive salary and so on... that's mostly where i got the stuff from in the first place. i can reference journalists. sure i can.
there hasn't been much academic freedom at uni under the last government.
there was a housing bubble... they didn't want to call it a bubble. speculative housing financial crisis type of thing.
we told ourself we weren't affected.
but what happened was it slowly made it's way here...
it is on it's way here...
it's just about here.
yeah. we are just aboout there.
but still, people are sell sell sell trying to get their money out all surreptitious like.
selling up the boarding houses ('flats')..
buying into aged care institutions or private hospitals.
anyway...
a light touch. not much time. just a few references here and there adn typos over there. rephrase some rhetorical questions and careful about insinuating that these high payed people have chosen to invest their money in the speculative markets... because i don't know. i don't have access to their bank accounts or where they put there money. MPs own heaps of rentals (that was disclosed somewhere) but i don't know for sure it was them in particular who privately brought up all the state houses and / or intentionally or unintentionally put the brakes on housing regulations with respect to habitable houses with a heat source and so on...
yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:24:11
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:17:06
and part of the reason why philosophy (or whatever) often requires so much crying in bed or whatever it is to get yourself into the state of being able to do it is that...
it can be done in around 1/2 the time that is 'normal' or that it is that people typically take.
so you are left spinning your wheels for a lot of the time. and i learned that sitting myself in front of the computer with the document open making changes to it for more time... doesn't necessarily make it better. more particularly, spending more hours in at some awful group shared office where people are continually making productive or mostly non-productive noises... interrupting each other all the time... doesn't necessarily make it better...
there was a good research culture at one place that... had a good research culture. yeah. work for a couple hours then shared morning tea for 1/2 and hour. usually shared lunch for an hour or meeting. shared afternoon tea. it meant you got to ask people questions about something you were stuck on / thinking about. quite a lot of the conversations were work focused and it was actually productive. productive people hanging out. for the good of all. yeah.
anyway...
spinning the wheels. that's what i'm doing now.
i have been doing it for years, now. i'm pretty good at working to deadline. to a timeframe. i always got my talks done and my papers written and so on before i left the house for conference. most others did not. but i always did.
and i'm just about in the place to start...
hence the procrastination.
what is required for the light touch.
i can't tell my 'friends' because they get themselves wound to procrastination to the extent that they in fact miss their deadlines. or... wind their... students... friends... up to the point that those other people miss their deadlines.
just gotta steer clear...
get it done.
maybe i will be in teh position where i can help them one day. when i have my needs met and when i'm in the position to help them.
but for now... they are paid to help me. hahaha. yeah. so close to done.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:37:12
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:24:11
and the one thing i f*ck*d up that i really really really really really was kicking myself over...
i was asked to do a peer review for a journal and i did it. i thought.
and then he came looking for me and said it was late. this was weeks and weeks later.
and i was like 'i did it in 3 days'
and it turned out that the online form that i did... there was this one final button or whatever that actually submited the whole thing. and somehow i hadn't hit that. and so it had just been sitting on the system unsent.
and so he thought i was rubbish because i couldn't work to time.
but i specifically worked exclusively on it for 3 whole days to get it done in terrific time because i was really grateful for the opportunity to get to do that.
though...
what really went wrong with all of that was i should have asked him for a meeting. and said i had never done anything like that before. could he explain to me what he wanted me to do. and maybe even check what i said.. because i didn't know what was appropriate.
and i think from memory i said 'revise and resubmit' becuase i thought that was what all reviewers would likely say -- and the editor would make their own decision, anyway. whether they agreed with the reviewers comments or thought they were being unfair.
anyway... he was the editor so.
but i should have talked to him.
i should have emailed him 'i have sent that now' -- then he could have said he didn't get it.
i have learned... you need to get confirmation of uptake.
it isn't about when i have submitted something -- it is about when the people say they got what they got from me.
i mean... i have track and trace courier signature and they are being as obstructive as they can be (they probably would take pot shots at me with a bb gun if i tried to submit in person or they probably would have tresspass ordered me off the university campus if they thought i was actually bringing copies of my thesis to be submitted on time)...
but generally.
send an email to x to complain (that is the process).
say clearly in that email 'please can i have confirmation of what process you are following and when i can exect a response' and if i don' tget that... next person.holy sh*t.
i guess they pay them so much because they were only supposed to be temporary.
in the way that 'awwwwww just try again next year!!!'
they were 'this is only supposed to be one year'
the VC... the chief exec of whatever in the district health board. their salaries were supposed to be 1 year for them to sort it out.
but they found pretty much everyone wasn't doing their job. hard to know where to f*ck*ng start.
so they thought... i'll just sit here until someone points out that i'm not doing my job, either.
which could happen at any minute.
i guess that's the idea.
and the incentive is all around...
for the tourists.
for the discovery of the next immunologically elite person whose sample will be the basis for the next techonological breakthrough.
and there we go.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2019, at 1:22:54
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 27, 2019, at 22:37:12
shout out to my sponsors:
http://danjohn.wpengine.com/from-the-ground-up-free-ebook/
Dan John for being brilliant and common-sense and brilliant.
And to Cohhcarnage for playing ALL THE GAMES just like I would (only, maybe, he might be slightly better at them than I am) so that I don't have to. But also for being pleasant and totally right in his rants, also, (mostly) and just genuinely good company for when I go to work:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLN39y5i_H0Fk_RC0FhOGN5_Xo_M4KbZ0m
saved me from the cricket. and the olympics, even. well done.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2019, at 12:42:24
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2019, at 1:22:54
and that was the thing that made the UMAT so clearly and obviously such a f*ck*ng farce.
because i finished the exam.
because i worked to time.
and becuase i know that other people did not.
because i know that other people, often, lack examination strategy.
i did take a glance around because i was curious...
at how many people were spamming options (because a guess might possibly be correct but a blank field cannot be) in the 30 or 40 seconds up until the end...
but people were leaving fields blank.
but i answered ever single section 2. every single one of them.
in an exam that was intentionally designed to be overwhelming (so people would walk out feeling like failures no matter what).
i was worried that my overall score might be low because i spent proportionately too much time on section 2. because i was fairly confident that the answers were workable.
section 1 freaked me out, because of the math thing. i felt like it took time to understand teh task, but then it would take time to work the answer and i wasn't sure that it was the best investment of my time so i'd cross the wrong ones and go back and guess between the remainder in what time i had...
anyway...
i don't believe the majority of people in the room did better at it than me.
that's not even slightly even partly plausible.
in a test that is suppposed to be predictive of academic potential.
the student who has A's for university science, literature, courses...
that student.
does worse than the majority of 18 year olds.
really?
what a f*ck*ng farce.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2019, at 23:58:00
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 28, 2019, at 12:42:24
and so all the appeals...
it's that legal thing you do.
like how if you want to bomb a country or take over a country or whatever then the first thing you do is send the lawyers in and they figure out way to make the whole thing seem lawful. within the law.
and you just spam with appeals or whatever. just spam them. till the smaller guy is swamped. so swamped by appeals there isn't any time for them to function doing anything else. a sort of a taser to the brain by spamming appeals sort of a thing.
i know.
that's how come so many lawyers want to shoot their faces off. that's how come you have to pay them so much so they can spend their money on cocaine or cocktails or whatver whatever material things that enable them to still want to live their lives.
ugh.
we don't believe in the free world, here. we don't believe that people should be free to pursue their ends. we believe that the tribal chieftans or whatever the f*ck should get to decide who gets to do what.
it was always decided for me, on my behalf that i would be a reader - writer sort of a person. i had to do that. i think because people couldn't stop me doing that, whereas people could stop me doing other things... i guess that was it.
and then every step of the way...
i do remember now i applied to do the foundations program.
I think my inspiration actually came from American TV. I do not know what show it was. Some medical show, I reckon. Nurses... Going to night school... Studying so they might get accepted to medical school... There was stuff like that. People studying in the evenings or whatever towards their GED or whatever. And I just thought that of course anybody can do anything they put their minds to. Like Khan Academy. I thought. Obviously. Of course.
But we don't believe in that, here. It isn't the way of it or of things.
Instead... Well... We are always kicking at people back and down, in the first place. Not trying to encourage or support. So 'no you can't' is more the Kiwi way. Or you are only allowed to do the least that people can let you get away with doing...
Anyway... Maybe it's about seeing what I use my lawyering skills for / to do. I have to do this now becuase they have given me no choice.
But what do you do when people just go 'noooooooooo' in the face of... You showing how they have not followed the rules... I guess... That's been the story of much of my life.
I don't mean to spam the Ombudsman. But I don't see another way. I don't know whether they will be able to sort it out of it I have to take things higher... What is involved in getting an injunction. I don't know.
I want to start Med.
I guess I need to focus on that.
I just will submit my thesis. They either accept it or they don't. They keep thinking they can postpone me or whatever... There was some ultimatum thing that Looked like extortion to me that I was supposed to respond to by a deadline. So I forwarded that to the Ombudsman. I don't know.
I don't know if there is justice.
Why is this country so f*ck*ng horrible?
People bickering and squabbling and people who are... These people are f*ck*ng Deans of Universities and they don't seem able to parse the rules. A Dean... Was like 'well it was a bit too hard' (to calculate my GPA properly). That's just... Unacceptable.
The brain drain...
Damn.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2019, at 0:12:57
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 30, 2019, at 23:58:00
I guess they want to see if I can focus.
Focus is hard for everyone.
I do think about the thing where the Doctors were focused on the intubation and the patient died from lack of oxygen while a nurse stood by with a tracheotomy kit just waiting for one of them to call for it / notice that that was obviously the thing to do...
I focused on December 7 when an admin person said it instead of asking for *why* and what was the policy and what was the intent and what was the need.
Like focusing on forcing that tube down.
But the Dean could have Asked Auckland whether it was really required on December 7 *on December 7* or even *before December 7*. But instead she chose to wait until December 10.
All year Waikato has been determined to make me late. Every single time they had the ball they dropped it / messed with it in order to make me late. Every single time.
That's not how to make me want to be a team player.
There was this guy... Who said he wanted to be a Doctor...
Was involved in some aspect of logistics management...
Patient transport.
He returned to study the science stuff around the same time as me and to start with I was all excited that I might have a good study partner.
But I had some idea of the curriculum and had some study material and...
He wasn't really interested in learning the content.
He just wanted to talk about stuff...And I said to him, at some point, that I didn't think he wanted to be a Doctor, he just liked the idea of it, or something. He liked the idea (at least) of hanging out with Doctors, of people thinking he was a Doctor, even, but he wasn't really interested in the science so he wasn't really interested in the knowledge or in the study of Medicine.
And people were like 'ouch'. And maybe it was me being a bit... Yeah... Maybe... But I didn't really mean it like that. I meant really very genuinely that maybe he shouldn't be so very upset about not getting great grades or about not getting to do it because maybe he didn't really want to do it, anyway.
And apparently he went on to do law. And there is something about 'hey, if I can't join you all I'll just sue you all instead' or something... And it is good natured. And he still hangs out with the Doctors and Med Students but he has Law, now. And honestly... He seems happier in it and maybe better at it because of the reading / writing thing...
Maybe people are just testing me seeing whether that is the case for me.
ANd I know it isn't. But they want to make sure.
That I won't get side-tracked into trying to save the world. Into being a major instigator of human rights riots where junior doctors are going on strike, or whatever... That I'm not going to...
One must be careful not to swamp the ombudsman.
Auckland did respond to what happened with me by making a clear policy on how future students can appeal decisions. I was previously declined from entry to the foundations program becuase.... Well... I think unofficially because they thought I should just go off and do law or whatever it was I was doing before. It wouldn't be fair for me to get to study science / math. There were other kids who didn't have entry to Med, at all. But the foundations program was a program designed to help you get the High School Background. It would have been great for me. If I had have known how to appeal it I would have. And maybe I would have got a place.
I feel a bit better knowing that maybe some other kid out there who gets declined becaues that awful lady thinks the kid would make a better.. I don't know.. Hairdresser. Prostitute. Who knows what. Just decides that kid can't do it (maybe because that kid seems smart and they don't want smart they want kicked back and kicked down and supplicant and forever grateful)...
Focus:
Get the hardbound thesis in ASAP.
Moving house. Next week or week after. Need to be in temporary (ie motel) accommodation where I can study from there, at least. While I wait for social housing. That could take months... THey have heaps of properties that are vacant... It takes them time to observe you and check how you live and then to ready a property... I have paperwork and so on around that to... Earn it. SHow I need it. Will work for it.
An injunction. I guess that is what is needed. Someone to make them. When they will not see reason.
I wonder what Waikato will do when I submit my hardcopy.
Accept it, I would imagine. They are just seeing if they can get me spending more time arguing with them than doing my thesis work.
Like they would have done with me all f*ck*ng year if I wasn't a distance student.
Awful people.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2019, at 0:26:36
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2019, at 0:12:57
The point is...
It would have taken them work to write the policy.
Auckand now has a policy whereby every student declined from undergraduate including Med and Foundations) courses is informed of their right to appeal, who to appeal to etc.
That information wasn't really freely available before.
I don't know that there was a policy...
I guess because it takes time for people to look at appeals and make decisions.
It would have taken time for someone to have figured out this policy now.
One thing they did (smart) was require appeals to be submitted by post. Email... You can attach formal letters. And that's helpful, actually. To have that distinction. Very obviously formal letter. Then more discussion / conversation / informal email.
Anyway... The requirement of a posted letter forces / encourages students to spend more time formulating it carefully and then they have to physically post it. You want them to sign for it (they respond within 10 days of having recieved it) so they have to pay like ten bucks to post it (in this f*ck*ng country with barely a postal service at all). Well.. you could send it with a 40 cent stamp, I guess... But it encourages people to not spam the system.
Yeah.
ANyway...
I see that appeals create work for other people.
And that often things are sh*t / crappy / unfair. That's right. They are. But do you have a better idea of how to make things better? Is it really workable? Really? Really really? PRobably not... Because smart people do work on these things... Maybe that's part of what VC's and so on do... Maybe they are smart and they do do their best / a pretty good job of it, actually. It is just that it is hard when the culture here... People mostly function by word of mouth and what people do and the implicit practices... How to get people to follow the rules. Yeah. Yeppers.
That's why sometimes you gotta focus on the small things you can do. The small changes. Trying to change the world it too big. To unweildy. To pie in teh sky.
I think I am sensible with respect to some sort of an understanding about things like that.
In my better moments.
I know it costs a lot to build quality housing. NZ is in a pretty rough position because of... I don' t f*ck*ng know... Something aout us trying to get the smelter happening becuase then maybe aliminum... And then maybe the structural component of the construction.... It is something about our lack of access to building materials that makes housing so freaking costly, here. The proliferation of wooden shacks.
Anyway...
Thesis writing. Back to it. Get it done. Once it's done that's a major load off. I can't imagine they will not accept it once it's submitted.
I mean... I can see them maybe dragging their fuckig heels on saying they accept it...
But it's take it or leave it at that point. And none of this 'pay us more money first' nonsense.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 0:19:27
In reply to Re: clash, posted by alexandra_k on January 31, 2019, at 0:26:36
i think the degree i am enrolled in is a fools errand because they simply will not allow students to get through in time.
they will say the changes can't be signed off on within 10 weeks because they are too substantive...
when they could be.
it is just that the supervisor prefers to have 10 weeks off, over that time of year.
so i'm forced to pay additional fees and drop back to part time status because my supervisor doesn't feel like working over the next little while.
and instead of being easy going when they don't want to work they dig their heels in and become obstructive and everything must grind to a halt.
chief.
that's what they call them there.
chief supervisor.
i asked about a quote to the place that does hardbinding and they won't track and trace deliver hardbound theses to where they are supposed to go. they will courier stuff for staff... but not for students. i offered to pay... but some things not even money can buy for students.
you have to collect it and deliver it in person.
that was what they were going on about before.
so they can call security and have you removed from teh premises if they see you coming to hand your work in on time....
i feel like the whole degree is a fools errand.
they were never going ot let me complete on time.
no matter how hard i worked.
the harder i worked only made them work harder to fail me. and now the whole university is positively off-side.
i don't think it is just me... that they are dragging their heels on, i mean. but i don't think there was any way to get them on side.
i wonder if students who relied on completing research degrees in minimum time for eligabilty for med were.... being sent on a fools errand when it came to that. they suggest it only because i don't think anybody would do graduate research in this country if it didn't look like it was a potential route to medicine.. but then they refuse to complete people in teh minimum time.
and then with the med applications they don't say 'your application was deemed ineligable'. instead, they say 'your application was declined' and then they launch into a tirade about how competitive it is and so on.
but they don't say how many of the applicants are actually *eligable* for med. how many they cull on grounds of ineligability, i mean. Maybe all of the ones they don't want that would make it on the basis of GPA/UMAT if they weren't rendered ineligable.
apparently students can ask now why their application was declined.
but that won't stop them deciding a whole bunch aren't because... I don't know... Becuase their external examiners took 4 months to examine their thesis thus they weren't able to complete in the minimum time.
or maybe because their supervisor wants to have a holiday over the break and doesn't feel like trying to get changes signed off on within 10 weeks. Instead, just spend about 10 weeks having a holiday and say the student needs to pay more fees and labour for 6 more months at least.
why not if you thought you could get away with it?
which, i think, is why nobody in their right mind would be a graduate student, here.
i didn't think they would do that / be like that.
have people become more awful over time -- or am i just realising how awful they are?
i think it is the later.
i really don't think that there is any way through for me.
and people seem to want it to be that way. they get a smug self satisfied thing. like they *knew* things really were this way. they *knew* it. that was why they didn't try, themselves. and so on.
i don't know.
i don't know what to say, right now.
i have asked for clarification around what 'minimum time' means on research degrees.
my supervisor doesn't understand a lot of my thesis. because it was written in response to courses that i've studied that she's not studied. and then it was given to a person who works on some particular area... within some particular paradigm... and he is not particularly sympathetic to the project, at all. so he questions parts that i really didn't want to have to make my whole thesis because other people have already written what i have to say about it. but he wants me to engage with the primary literature and make that case all over again... and i don't want to get stuck into trying to read whether inequality is increasing over time for a country with a particular measure... or whatever... to know that some people have more and more and more (e.g., rental properties) while others have less and less and less (e.g., as those rental property prices just keep on going up).
i don't really want to have an argument about that for half a year.
and then he (purposely?) totally misses the point several places... and f*ck*ng well on and on and on and then he gets snarky. and then reverts to things like 'poor argument!'
and i don't get to have an oral defence.
my supervisor is on the scholarships meeting hui committee whatever it is.
she's really proud about that.
i didn't get any scholarship at all. i said i'd love to visit and give a talk and meet everyone and hang out and have a beer... but the funds didn't come through for any of that.
i'm good at defending it in person.
even the Dean wanted to talk to me on teh phone before deciding they didn't want to do an oral defence. i see that, now. she wanted to see how... quick... i was. whether i would be able to handle myself. i can... therefore i don't get to.
yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 0:28:20
In reply to fools errand, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 0:19:27
and i just don't get it, what's in it for them.
they don't get to keep me.
i go away inside. that part of me just dies or leaves or whatever.
i don't get why... if people want to live their lives with family work holiday balance or whatever... that's fine...
but don't put them in charge of someone who is going all out on work.
not when they force that person to work at their pace.
what's really not fair is how hard i've worked (how many focused hours) and they are keener to get through the kid who isn't bright at all, just better at getting teh supervisor to write the thesis for them. you know, have a meeting with supervisor. take notes on what supervisor says. write up notes and call it your thesis. supervisor thinks you have best and truest things to say, ever!
i wish i wasn't stuck in the philosophy department.
i don't suppose other fields fare much better.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 3:32:22
In reply to Re: fools errand, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 0:28:20
i am just... too old for this. i have spent too many years in philosophy.
i did not come back to this country to do work in philosophy. the best and brightest minds in philosophy did not head over here, for their destination. over the year's i've seen the developed world retreat.. receed.. move further and further away..
new zealand division of philosophy, see ya later. new zealand journal of philosophy.. did there used to be a journal somewhere.. see see ya later. all of it had to go. the people just bickered and sqabbled amongst themselves. graduate students revised things differnt but not better round and round and round.
no post-docs were hired... not much teaching was contracted out (people either had no work in philosophy so were forced out of the profession entirely or mopped up all of the work in philosophy so they don't have any time at all to do things like sign off changes in students work in the next 6 months).
no work was offered to me, either. not so much as any distance grading.
not so much as a fly you up for a week and you can give talks and lectures.
the division between the haves and the have nots. there is a real divide in this country between the persons and the non-persons...
i didn't come back here for any of this.
to see the quality of talks deteriorate over the years. to see less and less and less of the good overseas people... they're just not coming here, anymore.
in most of the talks and in response to most of the written work... stunned mullets.
i think i'm supposed to just sit in the corner for 6 months...
you know, put the doll back in it's box until it' fun to pull at it's hair for a while...
i feel like...
at somepoint...
someone completent in this country....
will catch on that i'm bright and things like... kind and so on...
in time for these things to still be there...
yeah?
perhaps?
we are supposed to be waiting for Maaori to catch on to philosophy.
i think that is the idea.
the idea of chief supervisor has caught on.
and there's this idea of how they can externally contract the examination (so the stunned mullet response to people's work isn't so... uh... embarrassing for the university, i guess...) and then all the supervisors have to do is pick pick pick pick at stuff using the externally contracted examiners report as a base or start or whatever.
it was supposed to be overwhelming. i see that.
to me. it was supposed to overwhelm me into giving up.
but when i saw it... what i saw was... the behaviorist think you do when things are being extinguished. it was a everything and the kitchen sink sort of a critique. you start off with the 'how is this phillllllooooosssooooophyyyyyyy? sorts of questions. you know... why aren't you doing macrame? how is this philospohy? isn't it really something else?
(seriously? this is a critique? what am i supposed to say or do in response to this really)
then you are doing xxxxx or yyyy kind of philosophy baaaaaadly. baaaadly. go away for 6 months and have a cry and try and submit it again and i'll go on about how baaaaadly you are doing all over again.
and i do just want to go away at this point. because... what's the point, again? why would i want to ... why do i find myself engaging in such a thing with such people..
and then the misconstruals. and so on.
anyway...
it's supposed to have everyone think that it's acceptable for the university to require me to pay 1/2 fees again.
i wonder how much he gets paid to write it or if he writes it for the sheer joy of it.
i guess he does get paid to write the critique. then gets paid again for another round. round 2.
the uni calendar / regulations allow for 2 rounds.
and so it seems that the university has decided that all the students... invariably (no exceptions) whether they worked hard or not so hard whether they be smart or not so smart whether they come in with extensive background or weak background.. all teh students... will go through that extended period of examination.
so the degree will take 2 years.
invariably
only i've done the changes that were suggested within 10 weeks...
so i'm just supposed to sit in teh corner for 6 months until i give it back to the examinaer again for him to do the same thing again....
this is academic philosophy in new zealand.
apparently stats nz f*ck*d up. there aren't as many people here. there aren't as many migrants here.
people come here and they say they intend to stick around -- but they don't. they leave.
they realise pretty fast that we treat people like garbage mostly. we treat them (and many of our own) like garbage. thanks for your money. the vc appreciates his holiday home or whatever else...
my supervisor did all theis stuff she didn't hve to ... and then doesn't do the things that would be good for her to do..
i just....
sigh.
why are these people in charge of me?
?
?
i really really really really really don't get that.
and then when they are why don't they let me get on with it, then.
?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 3:42:11
In reply to Re: fools errand, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 3:32:22
and it's Camus. the trial.
i'm supposed to break down and beg my supervisor to help. i'm supposed to be overwhelmed and i don't know what to do. then things will run over and late. i'll be late my work won't be being done. maybe i'll start taking sick days. maybe some time in hospital for depression or something maybe that will help.
and then... maybe my supervisor wil feel like i've ben tortured enough. at some point. will be like ... willing to sign things off.
probably only after things have been irrevokably f*ck*d up. missed deadlines, i mean.
forced the student back to part time status so the degree doesn't count (just makes it look like the student is incapable of workign anything other than part time).
i guess my previous grades were the end of an era.
the end of the brain drain.
the end of the thing where the brains got up and left. just out and walked away.
though.... i didn't meet students with grades like mine. it surprised me. i thought many more would have...
but no.
everyone seems determined to teach me lessons now. in that way that the primary school teachers had...
they've taken over the universities now, you see...
and the way the world works apparently is that philosophy is the bottom of the food chain.
if you can't make it in philosophy you can't make it in anything at all.
which is why nobody in their right mind would do the subject in the first place.
the curiosity and joy and so on has just gone away...
why does this country think i'm garbage?
Posted by alexandra_k on February 8, 2019, at 15:00:17
In reply to Re: fools errand, posted by alexandra_k on February 5, 2019, at 3:42:11
and so... you are in or you are out, really.
i'm not entirely sure what to say.
people doing their best to oppose me -- means i must be close.
And work and income and housing new zealand people are being pretty great, which is important for the relocation right now.flight booked for thursday morning.
movers on wednesday morning.lots to organise.
i have some funds towards accommodation in auckland... but it won't last me more than a week...
so it's about whether housing comes through for me...
trust that i won't find myself on the streets or (no doubt worse) find myself in some kind of shelter.
i heard back pretty quickly from the ombudsman about my first complaint. the one about them not disclosing the rank list. case person assigned.
case people haven't been assigned to my having been declined (rather than conditional offer) from med, though. or to the other place trying to bully me into believing i'm failed and need to hand over more fees and sit on my *ss or revise things different but not better for my Chief over the next 6 months...
Chief has decided to do work... so that is something.
I have asked, again, to see these examiners reports that say they wish for me to be failed.
All this is just an idea in the head of my supervisor.
I have learned a lot over this last little while about... Well... I guess I was wondering how much things were corrupt (where I guess there is some kind of intention to violate the rules) vs an inadvertent... Incompetence, I guess you would call it. Inabilty to play by them. A lot of things I perceive as corruption seem to be performed by people who are incompetent. But I get to thinking who is it that hires them to be incompetent. That's where the real corruption lies. But maybe it is simply disorganisation and ineptitude. And in systems that are highly disorganised very very very very very very few people could competently navigate that system (if the system isn't actually paradoxical or something in which case it cannot be navigated at all).
Undergraduate study:
Do work. Hand it on deadline. Work gets examined. A range grade is achieved.
Research work:
Do work. Hand it in on deadline. WOrk gets sent off to external examiners. A range grade is achieved.MPhil work:
Do work. Hand it in on deadline. Supervisor has a meltdown that I didn't get permission from her to hand in the work I had done. She hasn't read it yet becomes she doesn't think it's ready to submit.She goes off at me about my 'arrogance' in thinking I didn't need her to do this.
After 1 week I am informed that they couldn't find any policy or anything that meant they could prevent it from going out to examiners. So it gets sent out... Late. After they spent 1 week crying about my handing my work in on time.
Comes back from examiners and 'accepted subject to changes' becomes 'it is not accepted in it's present state' becomes 'it's failed'. Apparently the examiners reccommended I be failed.
She hasn't done this before. I am pretty sure.
My memory of her was that she was smart. And quick in her thinking. And kind. I just don't see any of that, anymore.
I guess it is just the point of 'whatever'. Make the changes that are required fast as I can and send them back 'when can you get this back to me'? Eventually she'll burn herself out.
That seems to be what she wants to do / the way she wants to do it.
My application didn't get processed in a timely fashion apparently because she didn't make a case for it to get processed faster. She didn't say anything to get it done faster so they batch processed it along with the PhD scholarship applicants (which was silly because I wasn't eligable for PhD scholarship becauase I hadn't applied to do a PhD). But it meant she got to have my application before the VC and the other 'big wigs' (her words) which would have... Given her attention from them, I suppose. That she managed to get herself such a high calibre student.
She did not manage to get me enroled in time, however. And she also did not manage to get me any kind of scholarship, at all. I mean... The faculty ones are for... Well, it doesn't actually say, but given that I was a high calibre applicant (first division first class honours) and recieving no other scholarships...
But it was after this that she decided to change her signature on all her emails so it states her mighty position on the scholarhips committee...
This whole Chief thing seems to be coming from her.
I have been thinking 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. I didn't agree with that. But that seems to be the way things are done in these parts so try and find the spirit of it when I am deadling with people who demonstrably seem to be playing that game.
Largely it is about inability to focus. It is hard to focus on the right things. I am fairly... Wholistic. Pattern recognition. But fairly wholistic. That means I start with a brain storm muddled mess and linerity, clarity, focus etc eventually emerge. Some other people think slower and more linearly in the first place. Not me.
Anyway...
Need to try and slow down and say less. Otherwise I overwhelm other people.
Get her to sign off on the changes quickly.
Refuse to engage when it comes to anything else.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 8, 2019, at 15:09:22
In reply to Re: fools errand, posted by alexandra_k on February 8, 2019, at 15:00:17
the actual work aspect is okay.
it's everything else. and sometimes the everything else comes through in the work, too, i guess.
there's the temptation to do philosophy in the style of heavy handed cognitive therapy. spot the cognitive error / error of argument.
after not very many months of cognitive therapy you learn not to say / express the 'cognitive errors'. you internally revise them before you speak.
but then it can get to the point where you cannot express some of your thoughts.
you cannot feel some of your feelings.
people are keen to try and accuse me of various things. false dichotomy. straw man. because they feel good if they get to catch me in a fallacy or something. like the cognitive therapists feel good if they catch you in a thought distortion or whatever.
only... it doesn't take very many months before you've learned the errors and the thought distortions and managed not to express them anymore.
so revisions are about staving off those kinds of objections / criticisms. putting in a sentance so the less careful reader doesn't miss the point or whatever. the reader cannot read the abstract or the introduction if the reader gets lost. if any of the readers get lost it is the students fault and the student must be requied to add in more signposting there.
they do need to be forced / incentivised to get students through in a timely fashion.
awful people.
This is the end of the thread.
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