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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
I'm scared.
I'm starting work next week, at a small startup. It isn't Google, where I used to work (and left 2 years ago during a crushing depression -- i felt too GUILTY to take a leave!), but it's something, and in this economy it's been tough finding a job.
But I'm scared.
The past year has been a nightmere. I've been confined to my bed for most of it, with no energy, no will, no drive or desire. No fun (my pdoc says I need to exercise those hedonistic circuits or they'll atrophy! well mine are atrophied for sure), no love, just crushing depression. I had ECT in the springtime, 22 sessions, and I wanted to kill myself for a good portion of the year.
In one sense, I feel I've come very far. But in another sense, I'm scared. Scared that i'll fall flat on my face at work. Scared I won't like the job (i didn't like my google job, and that was AT GOOGLE). I'm scared I won't do well, that the depression I'm still dealing with will make it hard to work, hard to sustain attention, hard to be on top of it. I'm scared moving back to the city from my parents house will be lonely, and I won't have the drive or the MOOD to make new friends.
I'm so scared, because I don't feel excited about this job. I'm scared, because I'm trying to quit smoking, and changing meds at the same time. I'm scared of being alone, of reaching age 30 without someone in my life. Spending my weekends alone, afraid, depressed...in bed, like is my pattern.
Thankfully I haven't had suicidal thoughts the past few months. Zyprexa has helped with that. But in the past week, after seeing a girl I once (still am) in love with, I've started feeling that sense of futility, that 'what's the point', the sense that the future won't be any better than the present, and that the pain will just continue.
I feel like sh*t because I should be enjoying my life and living my life. It's a waste...there are people dying in Haiti, living in the midst of a calamity, and I can barely get out of bed. And when I do, it's usually to smoke a cigarette.
So I'm scared. I'm scared I'll fall into the pit of suicidal depression again. I'm scared I'll never fall in love / be fit enough to love. I'm scared all the things I was supposedly promised in life, one by one have been taken from me. And I'm scared that there's nothing left.
Maybe a doctor would call what i'm feeling just prozac-induced anxiety from starting that med. But to me it feels like a looming sense of doom, a crushing despair, and pathological hopelessness.
Thanks for reading. I have no questions, I just needed to write this on this forum. So many have offered so much support in my previous posts over the past year. Thank you. I guess even though things are looking up for me in some way, the depression is preventing me from seeing it, and I just feel fear. Seems unfair, to not enjoy your recovery.
I'm scared.
-uncouth
Posted by Phillipa on January 15, 2010, at 16:25:10
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Uncouth I must answer this thread. So many changes in a short time would scare anyone in my opinion. I am betting you end up liking the job and the interractions with people. Yes you have come far and will continue to do so. The future is full of unknowns. I care as the others do here also. Glad you wrote out your feeling. Just know we're here for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Sigismund on January 15, 2010, at 16:47:20
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by Phillipa on January 15, 2010, at 16:25:10
I'm never surprised that people are frightened and always surprised when they aren't.
It's only the collective psychosis that keeps them calm.
Just as well they don't know what's in for them (as my mother used to say).
Posted by janejane on January 15, 2010, at 16:52:14
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Posted by Sigismund on January 15, 2010, at 17:40:51
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by Sigismund on January 15, 2010, at 16:47:20
Please ignore my previous negative contribution.
I think it is amazing that you are going back to work.
I don't know how you do it.
You deserve a medal, anyway.
Posted by detroitpistons on January 15, 2010, at 18:02:02
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Uncouth,
(WARNING: I tend to be a very verbose writer, so this is probably going to be very long - should be interesting though)
I don't even know where to begin. This reads almost like a carbon copy of my own experiences....I'll start by telling you this. I'm 31 now and living with my parents for the 2nd time since about 2003 - not good with dates. I have no girlfriend and one of my best friends just committed suicide. I'm back in school to start a new career path, so I started with hope, but now I'm getting scared too. Because of the economy, the level of competition where I live is so intense that I'm scared about being able to do the things I need to do to be accepted into the program that I want to get into. Right now, it's looking like I won't be done with this process until about 2014 and I've already been at it for a year. I already have a bachelor's, but it's in a completely different field. I'm starting all over. That field was so ridiculously wrong for me. I was totally a fish out of water.
I too, have negative feelings about life having passed me by, but I'm trying to sort of remove myself from the material world in a sense. The whole idea of being successful and getting married and having 2.5 kids and all of that weighs on a lot of people. I want to find inner peace. I think I might try meditation. I'm not really into religion, but the idea of the yogi's who can sit and meditate for 8 hours while on a cold mountain (they can actually control their body temperature!) is intriguing to me. These types of people are at peace no matter what. You can take away everything they have and throw them into a dumpster and it still doesn't matter to them. These types seem to just attract good things to happen to them. Read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. It's a short book and it's a classic. It could change your perspective.
Anyways, I'm getting off topic. My first job out of college was at IBM and I absolutely hated it. I moved to a new city all alone. The job sucked because I had no direction. This was during the last downturn. The guy who was supposed to train and mentor me was probably not too keen on splitting his work with me (that's what the arrangement was supposed to be). I tried to be "proactive", but I was completely lost. I had no idea where to start. This drove me into a deep depression which made it even harder to do anything. Finally, I went to see a doctor for the first time and he prescribed me Effexor XR. Eventually, I felt like a new man, but it was a little too late (as far as trying to make a good impression at my job). I lost that job during massive layoffs. That was probably an easy decision for them. I was probably a little hypomanic from the Effexor (and naive), and I ended up getting roped into a pyramid scheme (multi level marketing) type of company. That ended up putting me in debt in the neighborhood of $5,000 and it took me a very long time to pay that off.
With my tail between my legs, I moved back home with my parents. I had no idea what to do. I looked for jobs but couldn't find anything that I was qualified for because I never gained any real experience. I did odd jobs. I sold cars for about 6 months but I wasn't very good at it. I started getting depressed again. The Effexor pooped out on me.
Finally, I ended up landing a job (for MUCH less money) that was in my "field." This time, there was much more direction and structure, but I eventually got burned out and became depressed again. I started taking Paxil and it didn't really do anything except make me aggressive, so I pissed off some people, including my boss. This just made matters worse. Still, they kept me in the company, and told me that I was going to be transferred to Chicago on a new "rotation." I was in a management training program, so that was part of the deal.
However, I was still pretty depressed at the time and I couldn't fathom doing something as complicated as moving to a new (expensive) city, especially on my salary. I had a window of a few weeks where I feverishly tried finding a different job so that I didn't have to move, but eventually I decided that I had no choice. I was so scared. I had to talk a friend into letting me stay with him and his wife in a tiny apartment while looking for my own place. Finally, I ended up getting my own place. All of this was so incredibly difficult because I had no energy. I pulled it off though.
So, I started this new position and it was also a fairly structured position where I had defined responsibilities. BUT, I was a slow learner and had some hurdles because of the depression. I probably should have started ADHD meds at that time. I had a poor performance review! I was crushed. I had always been pretty good in school but apparently, I just couldn't hack the corporate world. Once again, I made a few mistakes and pissed a few people off. This again, made the depression worse because of the awkwardness at work every day. I was a fish out of water. This is when I got back on Effexor XR (and eventually Lamictal due to hypomania) and I was contacted by a recruiter for a job that paid much better.
Started that job, and same story as IBM. No direction, no defined responsibility, and it was miserable. After about year at that company, I was again contacted by a recruiter for what seemed to be a pretty good job. I ended up hating that job too, but at least I felt like I was accomplishing things when I went to work. I was busy. The days flew by. That was the good thing.
After about a year and a half at that job, there was consolidation with a sister company, and I was laid off in March '08. Great. Here we go again. I looked for jobs and actually tried stock trading for a couple months (at a company, not with my own money), but I wasn't very good at it, which was partially due to very, very poor training. (only 1 or 2 out of 10 "make" it). Once again, failure and another dream dashed. I was paying $400/ month just to keep my health insurance through COBRA, and I basically ran out of money. Once again, with my tail between my legs, I moved back in with my parents (I could barely afford the move itself).
So that's where I'm at. I had to make a career change to do something that would be meaningful for me, AND that gave me a good chance of getting a job in this economy...Over the years, I had considered just about every type of career you can imagine. I was going to go to law school after IBM. I looked into everything from chef to fill-in-the-blank. Nothing seemed to fit. Finally, I had a eureka moment and I thought "PILOT!" That's perfect. I started looking into schools. Then, I realized I couldn't be a commercial pilot due to the fact that I would likely have to take meds, and the FAA doesn't allow that.
Finally, I picked something that I thought might work...I was rejuvenated for a while, but now I'm having second thoughts.
That was way too much information (but you were forewarned!)....Basically, I've been scared to death my whole damn life. I pretty much hated every job I've ever had and now I have to start over. All of my friends are successful, married with kids, etc, and I feel like a loser sometimes, but I'm trying to change that.
You're not alone, bro. Our generation is basically screwed. Add in the terrible disease of depression, and everything gets exponentially worse.
If you're still depressed and lethargic when you start your job, see if you can get some Adderall prescribed, just to try. Even if you don't have ADHD, depression basically mimics/ gives you the same symptoms anyways. I guarantee I wouldn't have gotten a bad performance review had I been taking Adderall at the time.
Good luck. We'll be back. We'll make it work. I found what seems to be the perfect combination of meds, and it's worked so far for about 4 years. I think the key for a lot of us is the addition of a mood stabilizer. My guess is that most people are somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, and 100% unipolar depression is probably rarer than previously thought.
If you have supportive people in your life, talk to them. If you're alone as I have been several times, use that company insurance and go talk to a counselor or a therapist and maybe do some cognitive/ behavioral therapy.
Oh, and, don't piss anybody off like I did!!
I know this was ridiculously long, but it was helpful for me to write it.
Posted by janejane on January 15, 2010, at 18:27:02
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by detroitpistons on January 15, 2010, at 18:02:02
Detroitpistons,
I hope you don't mind me reading your story. I just wanted to say it was very touching. I think a lot of us have probably lived through many of the same themes throughout our lives. I admire your resilience in what is obviously a very tough time.
We're all in this together, as they say. I'm glad we have this forum so that we can draw upon one another for strength. (And thanks to Dr. Bob for providing it.)
-Jane
Posted by Maxime on January 15, 2010, at 18:40:26
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
((( uncouth )))) It's very normal that you would be scared given what you have gone through over the past year. I think it's a good thing that you are not going back to old job. You are going somewhere new where people don't know your background.
Try not to do too much at once. For instance, this may not be the best time to stop smoking. Maybe you should wait until you are settled in you job.
Be sure to do nice things for yourself every day. Try to stay away from the bed until it is time to sleep.
I am wishing you the most success!
Maxime
Posted by detroitpistons on January 15, 2010, at 18:46:36
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » detroitpistons, posted by janejane on January 15, 2010, at 18:27:02
No problem. Anybody can read my story. I'm always glad if I can contribute something, anything. I'm just surprised that you made it through the whole story without falling asleep! I have a problem keeping things short and sweet.
> Detroitpistons,
>
> I hope you don't mind me reading your story. I just wanted to say it was very touching. I think a lot of us have probably lived through many of the same themes throughout our lives. I admire your resilience in what is obviously a very tough time.
>
> We're all in this together, as they say. I'm glad we have this forum so that we can draw upon one another for strength. (And thanks to Dr. Bob for providing it.)
>
> -Jane
Posted by detroitpistons on January 15, 2010, at 19:18:47
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by Maxime on January 15, 2010, at 18:40:26
I meant to say the same thing about smoking as Maxime did, but I forgot...It's totally OK to put off smoking for a little while until you're other stressors subside. Don't be too hard on yourself right now.
Posted by mtdewcmu on January 15, 2010, at 23:27:13
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Posted by mtdewcmu on January 15, 2010, at 23:28:44
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
I know what you mean. I relate completely.
PS. That last message was a mistake.
Posted by floatingbridge on January 16, 2010, at 0:05:37
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Uncouth, I'm glad you wrote. Ditto to others' comments regarding smoking and going somewhere new.
Generally, I find anticipatory anxiety and fear to be difficult to bear and counteract. I try to keep that in mind when facing a daunting task (I said I try). With all you've been through in the past two years, I imagine you must feel pretty raw.
You're a warrior--don't forget that. Practice acts of self-kindness, even if at first they seem forced. Over time one can cultivate new habits, and the terror
and the awful criticism the world can
elicit will fade in vividness and size.hug to you,
fb
Does your pdoc understand your anxiety level?
Posted by janejane on January 17, 2010, at 8:11:10
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Hi Uncouth. Just wanted to check in and see how you're doing.
Posted by uncouth on January 17, 2010, at 11:34:06
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by janejane on January 17, 2010, at 8:11:10
i'm doing ok. i felt much better yesterday, was able to practice some 'positive psychology' positive thinking, but mood slipped last night and i woke up this morning feeling pretty bad again.
im trying hard...but its hard!
Posted by Maxime on January 17, 2010, at 12:50:01
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 17, 2010, at 11:34:06
I'm glad you are trying. I think it's important to try rather than to sit and wait for the good mood to come. Hang in there.
Posted by janejane on January 18, 2010, at 6:54:46
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 17, 2010, at 11:34:06
> i'm doing ok. i felt much better yesterday, was able to practice some 'positive psychology' positive thinking, but mood slipped last night and i woke up this morning feeling pretty bad again.
>
> im trying hard...but its hard!Hey it's still progress! Hopefully soon the good days will start outnumbering the bad.
You mentioned starting your new job soon. Is that this week? Maybe being busy will help. Keep us updated!
Posted by uncouth on January 23, 2010, at 16:30:28
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by janejane on January 17, 2010, at 8:11:10
i finished up my first three days of work this week. the depression and emptyness i feel went down in force as i started work, but i'm having trouble concentrating, and feel very mentally fatigued after a few hours at work (computer work). but its a job, and it's something to do with myself each day. it's not my calling and it's a bit mind numbing at times, and it's not like my previous work (oh why did i quit!!!) but it's something.
today, saturday, i am alone, in my dungeon of an apartment, and the depression is back in full force. so i guess work is goign to be good for my mental health at least. i'm just so very lonely, and feel so very defeated even though i have this job.
and i still don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life :(
love,
uncouth
Posted by janejane on January 23, 2010, at 18:03:06
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 23, 2010, at 16:30:28
Congratulations on finishing your first three days, Uncouth. I don't know how you can do it when you're depressed, that's really quite an accomplishment. I'm so sorry you're more down today, though I'm glad to hear that work is helping somewhat. Hopefully in time the doubts, uncertainty, and negativity will melt away, as the prozac kicks in. (You recently started on it, right?) Do you think you could you go back to your old job at some point?
Posted by detroitpistons on January 23, 2010, at 20:18:11
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 23, 2010, at 16:30:28
Uncouth,
Is this a pretty easy job or is there a chance that your fatigue and lack of concentration will make things difficult for you? I mentioned this in my original post, but starting one of my jobs while depressed caused me to have a lot of problems and led to a harsh performance review, even though I'm usually very competent. This was a difficult job to learn though, and I couldn't think straight at the time. I kept asking the same questions over and over and I looked like an idiot. I made a bad first impression and it was very difficult to recover from that.
If you're having problems, maybe consider asking your doc about getting a low dose of dexedrine or adderall for a couple weeks or a month until the Prozac kicks in? It will give you some energy and help you to focus and be motivated. You will probably be 10x better. If the job is pretty straightforward and you can do everything you're supposed to do with ease, then ignore this suggestion.
Have you considered the healthcare field? Do you get satisfaction from helping people? Do you like science? I have searched through every career imaginable and I could never find something that fit me. It ate at me from the inside out.Then, I got laid off and it might've been a blessing in disguise. I decided to start taking classes about a year ago to get into healthcare (originally, my idea was nursing). Yesterday I "shadowed" a Physician Assistant and saw patients with him. I'm sold. I'm not saying you should do the same thing, but you could still find something you love. I'm 31 and starting over completely. There are people in their forties and fifties doing the same thing.
> i finished up my first three days of work this week. the depression and emptyness i feel went down in force as i started work, but i'm having trouble concentrating, and feel very mentally fatigued after a few hours at work (computer work). but its a job, and it's something to do with myself each day. it's not my calling and it's a bit mind numbing at times, and it's not like my previous work (oh why did i quit!!!) but it's something.
>
> today, saturday, i am alone, in my dungeon of an apartment, and the depression is back in full force. so i guess work is goign to be good for my mental health at least. i'm just so very lonely, and feel so very defeated even though i have this job.
>
> and i still don't know what i'm supposed to do with my life :(
>
> love,
> uncouth
Posted by Phillipa on January 23, 2010, at 21:58:19
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by detroitpistons on January 23, 2010, at 20:18:11
I didn't graduate from nursing school til age 38 really first official job with an education. Loved it for so many years. I'd find something that you know and feel comfortable with I floated went from specialty to specialty no politics and no same patients for 11 years. Then settled on psych got nationally certified. Unfortunately for me that's when my problems started and had to resign. I'd give anything to feel so good like I did when helping others. A PA is a great field too. Phillipa
Posted by floatingbridge on January 24, 2010, at 3:19:24
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 23, 2010, at 16:30:28
Uncouth, I think some congratulation is in order. You did it, difficult as it was. Others, thankfully, do not often see how we feel.
Weekends are challenging. I keep a daily mood/med chart, and my worst times coincidence often w/ the unstructed weekends and holidays. Were you able to get out for any reason--like a gym visit?
Maybe when you begin to accumulate positive experience and regain more confidence, ideas of what you'd like to do with your life will come.
Are you satisfied w/ your current meds?
Posted by uncouth on January 25, 2010, at 19:53:47
In reply to Re: I'm scared... » uncouth, posted by detroitpistons on January 23, 2010, at 20:18:11
yes, I actually am thinking about the health care field. depends if i get into business school or not. if i don't, then i'm going to seriously consider going back for my pre-med requirements and becoming a doctor. although at age 29 it would be difficult, given my other life goals of a family etc.
my weekend was tough. i sorta fell apart, and did nothing, no interaction with people or friends. at least i worked out (once). my job is wearing on me and its only been day 4. staring at a screen all day is mind numbing. what kind of life is this!
i'm relatively happy with my current meds. i have to give the prozac a full trial and time to work.
Posted by detroitpistons on January 25, 2010, at 20:17:44
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 25, 2010, at 19:53:47
Mmmmm, I have a business degree and it's pretty much useless right now. I think the only business degree worth it's salt (in terms of number of jobs) is Accounting or maybe Finance. Accounting is specialized. I just think that there are a lot of accounting jobs available compared to other areas within business. So the job outlook is pretty good, but the question is do you like the job?
Degrees like general business management or marketing is garbage and a total waste of money. Jobs for nurses, various techs, and practitioners are projected to grow. I'm 31 and just started last year. I'm going for Physician Assistant, which is a Master's degree. It's like a poor man's doctor. I'll be able to do examinations, diagnose, write prescriptions, basically everything an MD does in a Primary Care setting. You can also go into other specialties like surgery, etc.
I'd say a lot, if not most of the people going into this are already in their late twenties or thirties, or even their forties. 29 years old is nothing. Are you kidding? You obviously have to complete certain prerequisites, but your bachelors degree can be in anything. You have to have a certain amount of experience, usually something like 1,000 "patient contact hours." Every school is different. I'm going to work as a Medical Assistant for about a year to get my hours.
The program is 2 years full time, and VERY, VERY rigorous, especially the 1st year. I hope I can handle it because I am very prone to anxiety.
You make 6 figs pretty much as soon as you get out, so you don't have to worry about a residency and being poor. You can pay back your student loans fairly quickly. It's the best bang for the buck as far as education goes. You are all but guaranteed a job when you get out.
I'm not doing this for the money though. I'm doing it because I want to do something I enjoy and that is personally fulfilling. A lot of people are jumping into healthcare right now (especially nursing), but I don't think they're all doing it for the right reasons. I think you really have to love science and medicine and helping people.
If you don't already have a bachelor's, you might start out by getting a BS in nursing and then you have the option to become a Nurse Practitioner or a Physician Assistant in the future if you want to practice medicine. NP's and PA's are very similar.
Besides these, there is a whole slew of other types of work within healthcare. I had no idea. You might want to take a look at your local community college's certificate programs. If you get some kind of certification, you can at least test the waters and see if you'd enjoy the hospital (or private practice) environment.
> yes, I actually am thinking about the health care field. depends if i get into business school or not. if i don't, then i'm going to seriously consider going back for my pre-med requirements and becoming a doctor. although at age 29 it would be difficult, given my other life goals of a family etc.
>
> my weekend was tough. i sorta fell apart, and did nothing, no interaction with people or friends. at least i worked out (once). my job is wearing on me and its only been day 4. staring at a screen all day is mind numbing. what kind of life is this!
>
> i'm relatively happy with my current meds. i have to give the prozac a full trial and time to work.
Posted by Phillipa on January 25, 2010, at 21:50:18
In reply to Re: I'm scared..., posted by detroitpistons on January 25, 2010, at 20:17:44
I loved nursing two year program as didn't want paperwork bedside patient care floated to different specialties for ll years and then settled in psych and got nationally certified in it. And believe me it wasn't for the money. I made enough which is all I need. Phillipa ps if I'd graduated l year earlier could have been a PA with a two year program.
This is the end of the thread.
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