Posted by detroitpistons on January 15, 2010, at 18:02:02
In reply to I'm scared..., posted by uncouth on January 15, 2010, at 14:47:46
Uncouth,
(WARNING: I tend to be a very verbose writer, so this is probably going to be very long - should be interesting though)
I don't even know where to begin. This reads almost like a carbon copy of my own experiences....I'll start by telling you this. I'm 31 now and living with my parents for the 2nd time since about 2003 - not good with dates. I have no girlfriend and one of my best friends just committed suicide. I'm back in school to start a new career path, so I started with hope, but now I'm getting scared too. Because of the economy, the level of competition where I live is so intense that I'm scared about being able to do the things I need to do to be accepted into the program that I want to get into. Right now, it's looking like I won't be done with this process until about 2014 and I've already been at it for a year. I already have a bachelor's, but it's in a completely different field. I'm starting all over. That field was so ridiculously wrong for me. I was totally a fish out of water.
I too, have negative feelings about life having passed me by, but I'm trying to sort of remove myself from the material world in a sense. The whole idea of being successful and getting married and having 2.5 kids and all of that weighs on a lot of people. I want to find inner peace. I think I might try meditation. I'm not really into religion, but the idea of the yogi's who can sit and meditate for 8 hours while on a cold mountain (they can actually control their body temperature!) is intriguing to me. These types of people are at peace no matter what. You can take away everything they have and throw them into a dumpster and it still doesn't matter to them. These types seem to just attract good things to happen to them. Read Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. It's a short book and it's a classic. It could change your perspective.
Anyways, I'm getting off topic. My first job out of college was at IBM and I absolutely hated it. I moved to a new city all alone. The job sucked because I had no direction. This was during the last downturn. The guy who was supposed to train and mentor me was probably not too keen on splitting his work with me (that's what the arrangement was supposed to be). I tried to be "proactive", but I was completely lost. I had no idea where to start. This drove me into a deep depression which made it even harder to do anything. Finally, I went to see a doctor for the first time and he prescribed me Effexor XR. Eventually, I felt like a new man, but it was a little too late (as far as trying to make a good impression at my job). I lost that job during massive layoffs. That was probably an easy decision for them. I was probably a little hypomanic from the Effexor (and naive), and I ended up getting roped into a pyramid scheme (multi level marketing) type of company. That ended up putting me in debt in the neighborhood of $5,000 and it took me a very long time to pay that off.
With my tail between my legs, I moved back home with my parents. I had no idea what to do. I looked for jobs but couldn't find anything that I was qualified for because I never gained any real experience. I did odd jobs. I sold cars for about 6 months but I wasn't very good at it. I started getting depressed again. The Effexor pooped out on me.
Finally, I ended up landing a job (for MUCH less money) that was in my "field." This time, there was much more direction and structure, but I eventually got burned out and became depressed again. I started taking Paxil and it didn't really do anything except make me aggressive, so I pissed off some people, including my boss. This just made matters worse. Still, they kept me in the company, and told me that I was going to be transferred to Chicago on a new "rotation." I was in a management training program, so that was part of the deal.
However, I was still pretty depressed at the time and I couldn't fathom doing something as complicated as moving to a new (expensive) city, especially on my salary. I had a window of a few weeks where I feverishly tried finding a different job so that I didn't have to move, but eventually I decided that I had no choice. I was so scared. I had to talk a friend into letting me stay with him and his wife in a tiny apartment while looking for my own place. Finally, I ended up getting my own place. All of this was so incredibly difficult because I had no energy. I pulled it off though.
So, I started this new position and it was also a fairly structured position where I had defined responsibilities. BUT, I was a slow learner and had some hurdles because of the depression. I probably should have started ADHD meds at that time. I had a poor performance review! I was crushed. I had always been pretty good in school but apparently, I just couldn't hack the corporate world. Once again, I made a few mistakes and pissed a few people off. This again, made the depression worse because of the awkwardness at work every day. I was a fish out of water. This is when I got back on Effexor XR (and eventually Lamictal due to hypomania) and I was contacted by a recruiter for a job that paid much better.
Started that job, and same story as IBM. No direction, no defined responsibility, and it was miserable. After about year at that company, I was again contacted by a recruiter for what seemed to be a pretty good job. I ended up hating that job too, but at least I felt like I was accomplishing things when I went to work. I was busy. The days flew by. That was the good thing.
After about a year and a half at that job, there was consolidation with a sister company, and I was laid off in March '08. Great. Here we go again. I looked for jobs and actually tried stock trading for a couple months (at a company, not with my own money), but I wasn't very good at it, which was partially due to very, very poor training. (only 1 or 2 out of 10 "make" it). Once again, failure and another dream dashed. I was paying $400/ month just to keep my health insurance through COBRA, and I basically ran out of money. Once again, with my tail between my legs, I moved back in with my parents (I could barely afford the move itself).
So that's where I'm at. I had to make a career change to do something that would be meaningful for me, AND that gave me a good chance of getting a job in this economy...Over the years, I had considered just about every type of career you can imagine. I was going to go to law school after IBM. I looked into everything from chef to fill-in-the-blank. Nothing seemed to fit. Finally, I had a eureka moment and I thought "PILOT!" That's perfect. I started looking into schools. Then, I realized I couldn't be a commercial pilot due to the fact that I would likely have to take meds, and the FAA doesn't allow that.
Finally, I picked something that I thought might work...I was rejuvenated for a while, but now I'm having second thoughts.
That was way too much information (but you were forewarned!)....Basically, I've been scared to death my whole damn life. I pretty much hated every job I've ever had and now I have to start over. All of my friends are successful, married with kids, etc, and I feel like a loser sometimes, but I'm trying to change that.
You're not alone, bro. Our generation is basically screwed. Add in the terrible disease of depression, and everything gets exponentially worse.
If you're still depressed and lethargic when you start your job, see if you can get some Adderall prescribed, just to try. Even if you don't have ADHD, depression basically mimics/ gives you the same symptoms anyways. I guarantee I wouldn't have gotten a bad performance review had I been taking Adderall at the time.
Good luck. We'll be back. We'll make it work. I found what seems to be the perfect combination of meds, and it's worked so far for about 4 years. I think the key for a lot of us is the addition of a mood stabilizer. My guess is that most people are somewhere on the bipolar spectrum, and 100% unipolar depression is probably rarer than previously thought.
If you have supportive people in your life, talk to them. If you're alone as I have been several times, use that company insurance and go talk to a counselor or a therapist and maybe do some cognitive/ behavioral therapy.
Oh, and, don't piss anybody off like I did!!
I know this was ridiculously long, but it was helpful for me to write it.
poster:detroitpistons
thread:933776
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100113/msgs/933808.html