Psycho-Babble 2000 Thread 242748

Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Musings -- please, no more police!

Posted by Racer on July 16, 2003, at 23:26:45

OK, here's what happened that night I posted here and scared everyone so much. I had everything I needed in front of me to carry out my plan. When I posted here, I'd taken a Xanax to make it easier for me to carry it out. When it came time to do it, though, I couldn't go through with it. In the end, I waited so long to make up my mind, I fell asleep from the Xanax. By the time the police showed up, I'd given up for the time being.

As for how I am now, I don't know. My husband and I are now in counseling together, but I don't know what the outcome will be. He's in a lot of pain, from all this, as am I, and I don't think he really quite gets how close he was to losing me -- one way or the other.

I still don't see anything in my future, and some of that is reality. Many of the things that could improve my life are simply not possible. And some of what might be possible may not be enough. A lot of the despair I'm feeling is related to a lack of resources, as usual for me. Like not having medical insurance, and therefore being at the mercy of the one pdoc willing to see me without it. He doesn't return calls reliably, he has been known to go weeks without responding to pharmacy requests for refills (that was on Effexor, for crying out loud! Talk about hell, withdrawal because the pdoc won't return a call?) You know, practical things. I feel trapped, by my body, by my life, and don't have the resources that would allow me to make changes.

So, I'm not doing a whole lot better, but I'm also not actively planning any immediate attempts on my own life.

 

Re: Musings -- please, no more police!

Posted by abby on July 17, 2003, at 1:11:44

In reply to Musings -- please, no more police!, posted by Racer on July 16, 2003, at 23:26:45

Okay Racer, no police. I'm so glad to know that you're still with us. I hope that you can stay away from the alcohol.

You sound like you should be in the hospital--and I know that's expensive and worrisome when there's no money. Ugh! I hate our health care system.

I'm thinking about you.--Abby

 

But what could a hospital do?

Posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 1:48:29

In reply to Re: Musings -- please, no more police!, posted by abby on July 17, 2003, at 1:11:44

That's why they didn't hospitalize me when I first went there: what could they do in a hospital? Only thing they could do there was warehouse me. Medications? They certainly couldn't justify keeping me there long enough to find a medication that could fix me. Therapy? You're joking, right? Last time around, I saw a doctor for exactly as long as it took to say, "Well, I was despondent..." and him to say, "OK, you can go home now." That was the extent of the 'therapy' while I was there. On top of that, during the two days I was in that hospital, I didn't eat -- and no one even noticed! The doctor this time at EPS sent me home after I told him that last part, about not eating. I'm pretty sure it's because he knew that no one would notice this time, either, if they did lock me up.

I know, you do want to help. If any of this was fixable, or if our current system of healthcare were reasonable, maybe there would be some help in hospitalization. If there were any sort of coordination of services, so that they could set up some sort of therapy outside when I stabilized, maybe then there'd be a point to it. Instead, we've got scattered agencies trying to bail out the ocean with teaspoons.

Maybe I wish I could find something to look forward to, to live for, since I don't seem to have it in me to end this hell. Right now, though, I just can't find it. It's taking too much energy to get through the days, and I want nothing except to sleep -- and not to dream. Have to go to a doctor tomorrow, since my late lover may have left me something unpleasant to remember him by, which at least keeps me from having to deal with my husband now wanting to prove that we can have a sex life. I don't know if we can get past that, and I don't have any other options since I'm not earning any money. 500 a year, and a room of one's own. Maybe that really is all it would take.

At any rate, I am alive -- for whatever that's worth -- even if nothing else is better.

 

racer

Posted by allisonm on July 17, 2003, at 8:38:38

In reply to But what could a hospital do?, posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 1:48:29

Racer,

I'm glad that you are still here.

> >Maybe I wish I could find something to look forward to, to live for, since I don't seem to have it in me to end this hell. Right now, though, I just can't find it. It's taking too much energy to get through the days, and I want nothing except to sleep -- and not to dream. <<

I think that you can find something to live for. It may not be apparent, but your vision is clouded right now. Give yourself some time to sort things out. Now is the time to look out for yourself, be good to yourself, preserve your energy, as much as possible.

>> Have to go to a doctor tomorrow, since my late lover may have left me something unpleasant to remember him by..<<

Please tell me to go fly a kite if I am asking questions that are too personal, but I was wondering... How do you feel about this? Does his widow know that he may have spread STDs...that there may have been other women?

I am glad that you and your husband are seeing a counselor and hope that it can give you some measure of relief.

At the risk of repeating myself, while I was not in your exact situation, I also was in a pretty bad way at one time for a long time and I feel that I can relate to your feelings of being trapped with no way out, wanting just to sleep or be dead...wanting the pain to stop no matter what, even if it meant leaving the planet. It might sound trite, but time really can and does heal. Impossible situations that you think will never end can change.

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

Alli

 

Re: » allisonm

Posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 11:36:53

In reply to racer, posted by allisonm on July 17, 2003, at 8:38:38

There are a lot of feelings I'm trying not to feel about the need to go to a clinic. The big one for me is this: how to tell the widow if I'm right. It doesn't feel right not to tell her, and I'm selfish enough that I want her to know that I am not the source. Even if she doesn't believe that part, I want her to know that at least I cared enough not to let her stay infected because of my silence.

Otherwise, I know that he was with other women, and that's hurting me right now, too.

After so long without any physical passion in my life, without any real passion at all at home, this man made me feel alive again. Losing that is hard, and learning some of what's come out about him -- especially when I'm being blamed as the "whore" who ruined his widow's memories of their marriage -- is all hurting a lot. It's like losing him all over again.

 

whores and std's » Racer

Posted by shar on July 17, 2003, at 14:23:50

In reply to Re: » allisonm, posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 11:36:53

Racer,
I was blocked (for saying "ungood") while you were in the midst of much of this, but I was reading and you were VERY much on my mind. It's arrogant to think I could have made a difference, but I sure would have wanted to try. I'm sorry about the police...but not. I know you understand, or would if it was someone who you knew and cared for.

Here's what I have to offer. My analysis of your situation is that, right now, it is untenable. Any "normal" faced with all this would be worse off than you are, much worse. Life is against you, or it sure seems that way. Many times I've asked myself, what else could happen???? You may be doing that, too, or you may be too tired to even bother.

If you end up with a "gift that keeps on giving" from your ex-lover, do not take that out on yourself also. That is obviously his business, and you are kind and generous to even consider telling his wife. My recommendation about that is, if you get an email from her delete it. If you send one to her, tell her you do NOT want a response. Do not subject yourself to these people who are in pain themselves and looking for a scapegoat.

Racer, you have heart. That's part of the problem, yes, but it is also part of the solution. You are having extra double-plus hard times, times I can't even imagine going through (except the financial problems and unemployment--which is hard Enough!).

Live or die is not the only choice. With so much pain, stress and hassle it may seem so, but it is deceiving you. You can, I will attest, have other options, you just have to be around to greet them. Sorry if I sound like Pollyanna, because I personally .....welll, can't say more about that, might be blocked again.

Wow, is this long enough?? About ten times too long?? Yes!

Shutting up now,
Shar

 

Re: Musings -- please, no more police! » Racer

Posted by noa on July 17, 2003, at 19:39:59

In reply to Musings -- please, no more police!, posted by Racer on July 16, 2003, at 23:26:45

I'm glad you are still here.

I'm glad you are starting to let yourself grieve more openly.

 

Re: But what could a hospital do? » Racer

Posted by tina on July 17, 2003, at 20:59:45

In reply to But what could a hospital do?, posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 1:48:29

"> Maybe I wish I could find something to look forward to, to live for, since I don't seem to have it in me to end this hell. Right now, though, I just can't find it. It's taking too much energy to get through the days"

Racer...I know too well how this feels. I can't give you an answer as to what there is to live for. Right now, I can't think of anything but I still keep living. I don't know why either. I just know I can't go through with suicide. I think about it often and really believe that it would end all my pain but I still don't do it. It's strange to reject something that I know would help. I just hope it all gets better...someday.
thanks for posting. I, personally, was glad to see your name.
peace
tina

 

Re: whores and std's » shar

Posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 21:36:58

In reply to whores and std's » Racer, posted by shar on July 17, 2003, at 14:23:50

No, don't shut up. As long as you're telling me what you said in that last post -- that it really is as bad as it feels -- that helps. I know, "Cheer up the poor depressed person", but I think it helped more than anything else to have my despair validated. Does that make sense? Yeah, OK, I bet it does make sense to most of the people here.

Anyway, after more than three hours waiting for an exam at the local Planned Parenthood, to check for STDs, it'll take a week to get the results of the cultures, but they found something else: a suspicious lump on one breast. They're trying to get funding to have a mammogram done, which would be helpful.

I don't seem to be scared by it, but I'll bet that'll change. Right now, it's sort of unreal. Don't ever say it can't get worse, huh?

(Funny exchange, though, during the second opinion phase of the breast exam: Dr #1: "You see she's got fibrocystic breasts." Dr #2: "Yes, extremely -- you know that, don't you?" Me: "Well, I've heard the term, but no one's ever applied it to my breasts before. Some of my friends used to complain about having fibrocystic breasts, but I just thought -- lucky for me, mine are just lumpy..." Lots of laughter.)

So, please hope for rational government, and a clean mammogram. 'K?

 

Re: whores and std's

Posted by NikkiT2 on July 18, 2003, at 8:17:00

In reply to Re: whores and std's » shar, posted by Racer on July 17, 2003, at 21:36:58

It never rains but its pours eh Racer... you simply have sooo much going on right now, its no wonder you feel like things are falling apart at the seams somewhat.

Lots of good thoughts on test results and on the boob's..

Keep us updated.. as you can probably tell, we all think alot of you here

Nikki x


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