Posted by WhyandHow on October 11, 2008, at 20:58:43
I suddenly feel all alone and really need some kind of support. I am going to use this forum for any support anyone can give me in my immediate crisis.
I quit the recovery meetings and such a while back since my sobriety plan is tghe marijuana maintinence plan. Pot has alwyas been justified in my life if I stayed away from all the horrible addictions.
I posted a super long thread on substance use last night while I was being stupid enough to make my situation worse. I would like to start over here with a more sane approach to my insanity.
I have long a history of drug abuse to various things with Benzoids being the most severe problem when it comes to withdrawal. I had recently been doing ok by going back to my simple hum drum life of Paxil and pot. But then had an opportunity to get adderall agian. I had been down a real bad road with it in the past but that was because I was popping benzoids with it and snorthing the sh*t (thats how a super dirt bag introduced me to it). So I decided I would try the ADderall but do it as it would be prescribed since I have had severe undiagnosed ADHD in my life. The Adderall worked great and brought new life to my life. I did it for the first week or 2 of each month for 3 months (could only get limited supply) and as long as I didn't pop benzoids or snort the crap it did amazing things for me in many ways. yes, illegally - my PA at the local shrink center does not believe in such easy solutions and would for sure not prescribe it with my history which I am honest about. I wanted to see if I could benefit from it without problems. Then one night on this third partial month of doing the Adderall I got really stupid when a guy I invited over for sex had some coke (I havn't touched that for years and normally never would after my past from earier life). I don't know why I was so stupid but I guess this means I failed my own little test for myself. Then to calm me down I took one tiny little klonopin which of course worked great but somehow that one tiny pill put me into a huge tailspin after it wore off and I went through benzoid withdrawal from one stupid little mg pill !! That doesn't seem possible but with my past - I know the brain remembers it - and somehow the Adderall must have magified it.
So this one klonopin ended up being like an atom bomb in my web of self medicating. It ruined everything and put me into a tailspin. Suddenly the Adderall would not do hardly any of the good things it had been doing - it basically didn't work anymore. Instead of enhancing all the good things, it just enhanced the klonopin rebound/withdrawal. Well, I still took the Adderall since I didn't have much left, hoping it owuld eventually help but that is a stupid thought. I am now a total mess. I ended up in such severe depresion the last couple nights that I actually resorted to snorting some of my last Adderall and have been suddenly drinking huge amounts of Vodka - etc etc.
Can anyone offer any advice to help me out of this immediate crisis? I am now in really bad shape. Depressed beyond belief, psychotic, scared, extreme anxiety - the whole works. I am in a small bubble of barely being able to function right now as I took my last 60mg of Aderall today (orally) and am drinking vodka agian. The Vodka was originally just a little temporary thing like it has been before, to help ramp me out of this.
I don't understand how that one klonopin could put me into such withdrawal except that it must have been compliczated by the Adderall. In the past I could take one xanax on isolated ocasions as long as I didn't contue it - even with my history. Thats why I thought I could get away with one klonopin that night. What a mistake!!!! I had these sitting around for quite a while to get them out of the hands of a kid who was getting messed up on them and just kept them around for emergency or whatever and never took one of them till that night. If I hadn't done that, this whole situation might have turned into such an extreme nightmare.
Yes, I need to consider the dangers of Adderall in itself and would be glad to get feedback about that. I would also appreciate any knowledge on the klonopin interaction/atom bomb reaction since doctors really don't seem to be able to say much. I went to the ER the other morning before I made my own situation worse. I also went back to my local shrink center and told my PA what was going on.
Nobody can provide any real answers or cures obviously. Then, the one other little complication is the fact that I would quit the Paxil I was on when I started ADderall. After all, when I did Adderall, I didn't need it or myy normal weed. I also wanted to avoid a very bad interaction with Paxil and alcohol since I can actually enjoy small amounts of alcohol while on Adderall (normally would not try since I am an alcoholic - somehow Adderall makes it ok).
Anyone can say go to the hospital or whatever but I have been down that road before. There is really nothing they can do except provide an environment that makes the situation worse with no smoking cigerettes, and extra anxiety in general. Plus, I need to somehow be able to try to function for at least limited periods of time to finish out some obligations in my lawn and landscaping business I have been building from nothing this summer (got the account of 90 condos and 10 other small yards). ALSO, I start some classes on Monday!!! I wonder how I will fuction for them but I have to! I already have to drop the internet ones I never started that started in August. These other classes were ideal because theydidn't start until after summer was really pretty much over (the work).
Well, I might very soon be in such bad shape that I can't do anything for a while, but I will try to at least come to this forum in hopes of any helpful words anyone can give me.
I duddenly feel very desperate and hopeless and wish I could understand the klonopin atom bomb. It would be so easy to take another one and use it to ramp off this whole mess but I have not let myself do that since it caused this whole nightmare. I shoudl probably get rid of it after this nightmare.
I will try to use this thread as support to get me out of this immediate crisis. Can anyone help?
poster:WhyandHow
thread:856995
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/wdrawl/20080220/msgs/856995.html