Posted by corafree on September 20, 2006, at 7:33:46
In reply to Re: Tentative Withdrawal From Oxycodone, posted by Holly VanBen on September 19, 2006, at 14:50:10
Oh Holly ... I 'can't' do this on my own. I'm feeling so defeated.
My PCP is, like you say, not aggressive in caring for me because he thinks 'I'm just an addict', and a colo-rectal will not help me. He rants and raves about my taking narcotics. He tells me about 'his pain and how he lives with it'. I called him yesterday for an appt to schedule a CT or a referral for a CT, and the office hasn't returned my call. I have to 'fast', because if I eat, it won't come out! Why? I think it's a mixture of the pain meds, some digestive irregularities, and a more sedentary life style I've been living now, just short of a year.
It's my C2-3, 4-5, 5-6 that are extruded, so pain explodes up into my head like a cluster or migraine headache. It hurts so bad and I don't like pain, especially when I'm alone w/ no one to say nice things like 'it will get better'. I want to do what you have done. I really do. But, I can't do it w/o any IRL support. I just can't. I'm trying, but I've had the onset of sad and lonely emotions, with this attempt to decrease or discontinue the oxycodone.
Lyrica has been good ... much better than Neurontin, for me. I first increased it yesterday, to 150mg at bedtime, and felt a little 'not myself'. But, think I can deal w/ that as have hope this side effect will subside.
Last eve and now very early this morn' the pain is just too awful. It prompts me to think 'I don't want to live like this' and scares me.
I'm a spiritual person and talk/pray for healing and helps some.
I'll print your post (name excluded of course) as reference, but think I need a good doc to care for me, or something(?), while I do this.
I'm so sorry you must be in bed so much. It must feel so unfair. I hope you have someone that loves you, there w/ you.
What is the diff' between dependent and addicted, ... really? My PCP 'pokes fun' at the idea of there being a difference. He's always politely 'scolding me' re: the narcotic. I said to him, "You should have been a preacher instead of a doctor." He seems to enjoy my appts.(?) He's good about referrals. I'm not so sure about his office staff tho'. Sometimes I wonder if they even do them, you know, w/ all the insurance hurdles. I've been to at least five pain docs and had everything you can have, short of surgery. They've all sent me back to my PCP for meds. I have knowledge of some very good pain docs, but my PCP and his staff aren't aggressive about the insurance hurdles needed to get me there. I need to tell my PCP, I'm fed up, and 'I'm worthy' of the work it takes them to get me better healthcare! I just need to be able to do it politically correct and not end up getting fired!?
I should go to the site you suggested too. That might help me to know how to demand that the doctors see me as worthy of 'saving', for God's sake! I feel like they don't care about me!
Ya' know, oxycodone, even Darvocet, change my personality. Instead of behaving like a good person would, like I used to, I'm so hardened sometimes and I think it prompts me to push people away.
Second to the pain, my worst prob' is this very bad constipation. I hadn't 'pooped' (sorry) in 7days and my stomach was stretched out and so hard, and I was miserable. Had to take '4' Dulcolax! Then I have extremely painful, but effective relief. But, and, then, it starts all over again!!!
I had a colo by the doc who treated me 'like an addict' and he wouldn't help me. A URO-GYN whom has been very helpful, postulated I may have a toxic megacolon. For this reason I desired the CT w/ contrast. But, the colo-rectal just wants me to go away ... like I'm a bad person. I got a copy of the colo report and he says in it that he'll do a CT and see me for follow-up, but doesn't respond to my messages to his PA/MA. It hurts my feelings to be judged an addict as no one but I know the pain I'm in. I'll try and call him again today.
You're so kind to share all this info w/ me. I hope my 'narcotic personality' doesn't come between us. It has negated good relations w/ family and friends at times, because of the 'hardened personality' the narcotics seem to bring out in me. I'm really a positive and loving person 'beneath those meds'; I believe anyway ... it's been so long.
I have to do something soon as I feel I'm getting close to giving up. Do you think living just a mile from my ex and having to see him, talk to him now and then, is bad for me? He broke me; I mean, he threw me against walls and did awful things to me physically. So, I have all this anger, self-pity, self-blame, and then 'so much confusion' as my three children (one is his) 'love him' despite what happened.
I 'had' (longer story) to move to this city 11mos ago. I've not been happy here. I'm in a nice condo, but it's secluded and sometimes so quiet, I think I've died. It's a 'boring atmosphere' for me. It's a city where elderly people/couples come to spend the winter. It feels like I'm literally dying here(?); like I've been put out to pasture.
I could move back to the 'busy buzzing happening city' I moved from 11mos ago. Actually, I have until the end of this month to do so w/o any hassle. (On SSD so qualify for government housing assistance.) But, I would prob' have to live in 'a not real nice place' as rents there went way up a year ago. And, being alone, I'm a little scared to live in a place where there might be bugs, drugs, and thieves.(?) Then again, it's possible I'd find a little place w/ nice neighbors and get the 'buzz of living' back. I feel I have a need to be back amidst 'the living buzz' that fed my head there. It's like ... I've accepted that I'm disabled and have pain and limitations, but as long as I could hear, feel, see .. 'people on the move' .. well it was like the best therapy. It was like I was moving too. I had hope.
I'll stop here. I'm rambling.I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing all you have. You are an inspiration. If you'd like to be friends via email, that would be nice. I do 'push people away' w/o meaning too, tho'. I think it's because of the abuse.
love, cf
pssorry ... What does it take to be considered a surgical candidate? Do I have to get worse? Do my MRIs have to show more 'signals'? Am I being discriminated against because I am quote mentally ill unquote?
pssorrier ... This post, this description of my situation, well, right now my head feels like it's numb, and, so, I'm sorry if the above may be a total mess Holly.
poster:corafree
thread:684185
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/wdrawl/20060809/msgs/687617.html