Posted by head on June 24, 2004, at 12:12:40
In reply to Addiction: how did it start for you?, posted by Caper on May 27, 2004, at 21:31:24
hey. im new. just happened upon your site...so, addiction. right. well, just to start off, mental stuff has been an issue for me for quite some time. always blamed it on the fact that i'm highly creative...us creative-types are mad, so we are! am an old pro at depression, eating disorders and have been known to go for the occasional pint with panic attacks. and i love drugs. or rather, loved drugs (i know that's what i'm supposed to say, yeah...past tense?!).
the emotional stuff came first mind you...started when i was 14ish. smoked the odd joint thru secondary school but i don't really count that as i haven't been able to go near the stuff for years. dropped my first pill at 18...woohoo. drug use would be occasional for the the next few years before becoming recreationally regular (all wkend, every wkend more or less) for the past 3-4 years. tried lotsa different stuff. prefer coke. pills, however, are so easy to get your hands on and so damn cheap that i'd invariably wind up off my trolley on them as well. problem with pills is that they're quite often popped full of junk so you wind up getting a real ugly physical comedown off them. head wreck.
i've taken myself geographically out of a situation that could have been potentially damaging where i had a SUPER hot job, loadsa mates (these aren't just junkie mates, they'd be mates i've had since i was small and before i was doing drugs.) and was really happy (bar moody tuesdays). i've now moved back to a city i hate. where i know no one bar my parents. and i'm a mess. and lonely. i've too much time to be introspective and i'm beginning to hate myself. worst of all i'm not myself. thankfully, i'm not paralytically depressed like the other times but frustrated and listless and apathetic and mood-swinged-out-of-it...completely out of control.
so i'm seeing a doc here now. he's got me on effexor (i HATE meds, by the way. any time i've been put on them, i've taken myself off them. nice paradox, huh?!). haven't told him about my drug use. told him about the weekend long drinking binges alright, but not really on for letting him in on the drug stuff. is this bad? probably.
the thing is, i had fun. loadsa fun. and i'd do it again (if i wasn't convinced that mixing meds with mind-altering chemicals was a torture tactic once practiced by the likes of hitler and the CIA). dunno. don't think i answered your question there. don't have any desire or intention to do drugs anymore at all. staying away from the drink as well. but i'm not getting help for that stuff specifically...do i think i was taking drugs to somehow feel better about myself, to escape? nuh-uh. but i do think the drugs haven't exactly improved my mental health. chicken-egg egg-chicken.
oops. this is really long. gonna stop now. thanks for the arena...catcha later
poster:head
thread:351278
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/359794.html