Posted by Caper on June 15, 2004, at 13:30:25
In reply to Re: that alcoholism thing (sigh) » Caper, posted by partlycloudy on June 15, 2004, at 10:02:46
Hi,
I'm grateful for anyone who takes the time to answer me, but you and one other person in particular post things that (sorry to be sappy) but really touched me. Probably because I see myself in you.
For this one though I have to say first of all, please try not to be so hard on yourself! At least you're trying and seems to me, correct me if I'm wrong, that you're not drinking as much as you used to. (?)
But I think I really do understand your comment regarding the drink while the spouse was sleeping....I couldn't count the number of times I "had to change my clothes" in the past year or so. That was my way of getting my son to leave my room for a minute when it had been too long and I was starting to go into withdrawals (or to be very honest, maybe just WANTED some at that point). He innocently wanders off while I frantically pour and gulp, change some kind of clothing to back up my story, and then rush to try to brush my teeth so no one smelled anything on my breath.) I feel awful every time I have to sneak or lie and since this addiction started I've done that so much- it astounds me how I've sunk so low so fast!
Your plan of trying hard to keep busy during your husband's absence sounds like a very good strategy. And the gym? A wonderful thing to do for yourself. I'm a strong advocate of exercise as "therapy" and also just as a way to get out of your head for an hour-- but in a good way rather than with alcohol or drugs.
I am glad to hear that you are hopeful. Like I said already, sounds to me like you are doing better and I hope I'm right.
I hope this isn't out of line, but your first post to me, in which you told your story of the road to addiction made me cry but not really in a bad way. The ending especially was just ....me. And to hear someone else articulate so well what I feel was pretty overwhelming really. It made me sad that someone else had those same thoughts and issues, but for the most part it helped (even through tears!) because it made me realize I'm not alone and you sound like such a kind, classy person that it somehow made me feel better about myself too. I suppose the thought was "she thinks like me and she sounds great...could it be possible I'm not as awful as I think?"
It was just a very honest, moving post and I thank you for it and I hope with all of my heart that you will start to see yourself as others do. The more of your posts I read, the more I know that the good things you have a hard time seeing in yourself must be true.
This was a longer babble than I intended, but I just wanted to let you know how much your post helped me and how much I admired your insight.
Very best wishes regarding your continuing recovery. Take care.
Caper
> Let's see. This past weekend I snuck a drink when my spouse was taking a nap. How very admirable.
>
> I am trying to make arrangements for me not to be alone when he's out of town (like this week). Tonight I have therapy. Tomorrow I go to the gym (first one I've joined since 1986). Thursday he gets home again - not to plan too far ahead, but I'm hopeful.
>
> I'm realizing that the drinking is part of a life long pattern of feeling ashamed and needing to hide "bad" behaviours like this. I anticipate the disappointment, or worse, disapproval my actions result in, and that makes it worse.
>
> It really hurts to be a human bean.
>
poster:Caper
thread:356786
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040604/msgs/356920.html