Posted by Phil on February 27, 2014, at 23:16:23
for the 100th time over thirty years a psychiatrist or therapist asked 'are you suicidal?' I usually said no but if i was i wouldn't be in your office right now. will you call me if you do feel like you'll hurt yourself? i say yes but i can dial 911 by myself.
i realize i've taken more pills than anyone else my age in the universe. i'm taking more now than at any other time. i would be lost without pills to take.
i'm a recluse by choice, it's what i know. So many times over the years i've thought, maybe a mate wouldn't be so bad but me and long term don't fit.
i think that growing up surrounded by chaos helped me see that, good or bad, i need control.
I understand misery more than fun. If i'm having fun with a bunch of people i'm checking out escape routes. My friend in CA, when pissed off tells me i've wasted decades. I say yeah, but i also saved your *ss. I like her but when she starts steamrolling me i'm trying to load the .38 without dropping the phone. even though my oldest friend recently
pulled a stunt that pissed me way off, he didn't see it that way. this is fact: depressed people see the world as it is more accurately than not depressed people. if some depressed lunatic tells you it;s going to rain with no clouds in the sky, get an umbrella.
I wonder what it's like to have a working brain instead of one that paddles out just to ride the wave in. i love watching surfers it's so pure what they do. my family was not much different than me, hermits.
I look ten years up the road and think, my only goal is to be dead by then.
meds help, no doubt, but i think some shut some areas of the brain. you feel better but you don't care. maybe the next generation, with advanced brain scan technology won't have to suffer one med after another. i hope they look back on me as i look back on lobotomies.
My friend called one day and asked, are you guys floating away down there? why? you're on national news about the floods. I leaned back in my chair and opened a blind. i said yep, it's wet out there. sometimes i forget which season it is. I mean, that's the last information i need. i'm stuck reading about which neurotransmitters are hit when my doc decides to switch drugs again. it's a good drug phil. later that night i call 911 because i feel like i'm having a heart attack. whoops.
I'm alone but i'm not lonely, ever. it doesn't take much to fascinate me.
I wonder why musicians and celebs drop $14M on a 12,000 square foot house in malibu. Malibu would be cool but i would dream that intruders got by security and were having a convention in a far away room. maybe that's why celebrities are prone to alcohol and drug abuse. i don't know i used to do the same in an apartment. i think that some of us prefer wasted to reality.
i was thinking today that acid had fewer side effects than my meds. street drugs lived up to their reputation. if you did meth you either painted the house or spent 6 hours trying to have an orgasm. you didn't realize that your girlfriend died three hours earlier.
some days i think, i'll go cruising around pflugerville. ten minutes later i take a swig of codeine and drive home. I missed my turn last week and it took me an hour and a half to find home. i've lived in houston twice, dallas, and san antonio and had very few problems. this god forbidden wasteland is something else. i need to figure out home to make my gps work. when i can't i go to a shop to fix it. i get lost and the shop closed. an hour later i find the apartment. i think, i'm on disability and everyday it's clearer why that's where i need to be.
my friend calls, what the hell are you saying in the email? give me a minute, i'll look it up, i was on codeine. lemme see, ripoff, loser, backstabber. what's the problem, looks pretty clear to me. click.
E can we talk i think i pissed r off. phil, it's 4am here. that's right. talk to your doctor and get another mri to check for brain damage. click
that wasn't very nice.
911...yes i need a cab at...sir clear this line or i'm going to mop the floor with your *ss.
i make a note to get more codeine. maybe i'll find the pharmacy.
doc does codeine blend well with my meds? no how much have you done? twenty three bottles this month. how are you getting it? armed robbery. click i really dread my next appointment.
jesus. jesus, hi phil what now? you know, i don't mean to sin it's just that i'm so good at it. we've noticed. yikes. someday when you aren't too busy could you give me some pointers? of course. in the meantime that book that's holding up your coffee table is called a bible. read it. ok
now, time for pills. i line them up on the counter and look at them like i'm playing chess. ok, got it. as soon as i took them i realized that i took amphetamines instead of lithium. maybe i'll write a song or learn guitar. where would i play in pflugerville and why? ladies and gentlemen this is i'm so lonesome i could cry. it's the jimi hendrix acoustic cover. someone beans me in the forehead with a whiskey bottle.
this is my life.
poster:Phil
thread:1061490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20140129/msgs/1061490.html