Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 4:40:49
Oops about the link. This seems to be the best I can do:
McWilliams, Nancy, (2006)'Some thoughts about schizoid dynamics' Psychoanalytic Review. 93:1 p.1-24.
(If you could remove the other link / replace it with the above reference I'd be grateful)
So... Perhaps that is where the introverts went. Perhaps the 'gifted' people, too (thinking of that in line with Dabrowski's over excitabilities).
McWilliams reads like... Someone on the outside looking in. Doing a good job of it for someone on the outside looking in. But someone on the outside looking in, regardless. Mostly because... There are things you wouldn't think to remark upon or notice or say unless you were on the outside. What is remarkable of cringing away from a noisy, crowded situation? One where you can't hear yourself think? It is only when you realize that certain other people are attracted...
My living situation is a bit better now with the new person having moved in. The leader. Part of it is about validation of certain things being odd or weird or annoying... Like with the dishwashing detergent. And she just sort of claps her hands together and sorts it out. No fuss. Like... The way it is supposed to be done. By someone whose job it is. And there we go. And partly it is about... Her not being a dumb-*ss. The people I am living with are lovely... But they are not the smartest. The 19 year old is going on 13 and, well... The others aren't much further ahead in intellectual or emotional years (I'm not sure why people get it into their heads that if they are dumb and can't tolerate being alone it means they have admirable social skills)... It just means... I can't even have a light hearted conversation and have people follow along half the time... But things are a bit better now... Validating in some way. And she is big and loud and salient... But she has that centered calmness which makes the loud okay. Unobtrusive. And there it is.
I'm going to go in a bit... Get my sh*t together... Collect myself up and go to the gym... I'm going to squat 1x5@20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 5x5@42.5. And I'm going to mess around with my handstand / back bridge / animal walks. Then I'm going to come home... Have a nice hot shower... Make coffee... And spend 50 minutes on my thesis. 10 minute break for more coffee... And then another 50 minutes. And then I'll see how I feel... The point being... I'm going to get out of bed today. And I'm going to get a chunk of work.
I'm very close to sending off more stuff... I think that is why I've collapsed rather. Because I KNOW 'It isn't finished yet. What is the point of all this stuff you have said? What is your argument for that point?' Why do I feel like I'm worthless if it isn't all done even before I start? Wasting peoples time... It isn't supposed to freeze me. Just make me appropriately respectful of it. But I don't quite understand to get them work of the appropriate standard at the appropriate time. I... Don't trust myself. Which makes me... Untrustworthy. :-( I suck. And people have told him to be careful with me - and he IS being. I mean, really, he really really is. So now it is all my insecurites and messed upness in my head. I know that. But it doesn't help me out sometimes.
That article helped. And... Sometimes... I guess sometimes what I need is to know that I really really can just stay there curled up... And the nurses aren't all like 'there she goes manipulating people again' or whatever... And so when I get up to go to the bathroom people are like 'see, she's okay' or whatever. Sometimes I just need the space to collapse. And then I don't need to be collapsed. It is that awful stuck feeling you get of holding on just a little bit because you can't properly collapse... That draws teh whole f*ck*ng thing out. Perhaps. I think. ANyway... Work today... Work today... I'll send stuff soon and then this will lift... And then ti will be time for round 3...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1047868
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130914/msgs/1051467.html