Posted by NutsInc on September 11, 2013, at 0:25:40
Hello,
Newbie here. I have a fair grasp on knowledge regarding mental illnesses and medications, but something threw me for a loop lately.
I started dating someone with OCD a month ago. We will call them A. This was diagnosed by a GP. While I can understand the daily issues of having it somewhat by reading and hearing stories, I don't have it myself.
I'm not sure if I understand A very much. A was open to discussing it, but explained their exact "type" vaguely, IMO. It's not cleanliness so much, nor counting-- but repetition of numbers. A has stated that they often cannot make eye contact with me as well as stating some things like not being able to come over was due to "OCD and tiredness". As in, being out of A's routine.
While I understand, it's impossible for me to not only feel rejected, but I also wonder if it's sadly worth my emotions getting harmed (selfish, but I've been burned in the past and have blatant trust and acceptance issue). I also wondered if A has received the right diagnosis.
A is 30 years old and has never had a serious relationship. A admitted quite openly to me that in college, they would have drunk hook ups to satisfy their sexual needs while intentionally avoiding the emotional aspects. A did not want their OCD to be noticed (which thus far, it is not, IMO, and A is not currently on medication due to sexual side effects, and has not been for over a year).
I have my own issues-- namely GAD and major depression, SSRI/SNRI/TCA unresponsive. I cannot take MAOIs because I take a stimulant for narcolepsy, which also helps with the depression somewhat, and oddly, the GAD immensely.
I was as open as A was, and I also know quite a lot about medicine, so A is mostly receptive to discussing it.
Mostly... Until it potentially involves us and I mention it. For example, I believe A is suffering from depression, and they mentioned it first. I'm not certain A understands the fatigue and depression connection. A also admitted to have a previous perfectionist view/expectation towards a partner and their appearance as well as sex. I'm not certain all of these are previous, closed issues, which would obviously be an issue for me if not handled.
I've mentioned to A that if they wanted to begin treatment again, I would be understanding of the sexual side effects and we could easily work around them. Because of my knowledge about A's previous perfect partner "need" and my loosing 100 pounds and having loose skin, sex isn't the best with these thoughts in my head anyways.
To be honest, A isn't greatly physically attractive themselves. I am attracted to A physically, but more so mentally. I hate to actually say this, as it's not a dogma I subscribe to, but physically, I "could do better". It's not a concern of mine, and again, I am attracted to A.
A mentioned that someone they dated right before me would text them, and A would blow them off, hoping they'd get the hint. This made me soon wonder if I was also getting this lovely hint.
I also drank a bit too much one evening and said a few obviously "desperate" words. Since these things have happened, I feel a different vibe, and greatly so.A is now more closed off. A does not call or text me as often now compared to before. A also seems to direct all conversations and dates towards sex. To be honest, I kinda feel like an attractive blow up doll! It's funny, but not exactly a great way to feel. A may have sensed this when I intentionally became "vaguely busy", or wanted to make sure we were on the same line, as A brought up the Exclusive Talk.
However, I don't feel like anyone's partner. I think A may have done this to safeguard any potential competition, but I think it may be unfair of me to mention this to A. I've already been seen as too intrusive, so I'm scared of scaring A off. A used to text me 15+ times a day; Now it's only 1X, with me often initiating the conversation.
I have not seen A in 4 days, and have little conversation with A. We did have an almost breakup. I have no idea what A said that upset me 4 days ago, but I told them it would be best if they left. We have since spoken; A does not recall it either. We had plans that weekend, so I called A to see what was up. A said they were going out of town to see a college friend, which A mentioned before, saying they did not want to go, would be bored, and the whole weekend was "mine". Of course, I know I kicked A out, but things have changed again. The boring trip became a "night out", which I'm fine with, but I was angry because I had my child go with my mother to be with A.
So of course I felt like crap. My "vagueness" became induced jealousy and I asked A if they'd mind if I went out to dinner with someone; It was just dinner and I didn't have my mother take my child all weekend to sit at home. Immature, I know.
A did not get back to me until the next night. Said they were tired, etc. I said I did not go on a date and I would be there when (really if) they wanted to talk. The next night, I still did not hear from them. I was VERY frustrated by this point, so I called and left a voicemail that said: I think I knew the MO they used, and to be honest, it was cowardly; That I didn't need such hints so I'd do A a favor and blow myself off, no problem, good luck; If my assumptions were incorrect, then correct me; If so, just say yes or no.
A sent me a text saying they were "processing everything; Enjoyed spending time with me; Chose to be exclusive with me in the hopes of it leading to something serious; They did not like to deal with my yes/no absolutes; was not sure if it was a yes or no ultimately but would hang out again; It was not about sex, even dating was fine; ease into things without pressure or expectations... Social labels were paperwork and came with time."
I see where A is coming from, but I don't think I pressured them into anything. Is it just me, or is A attempting to revert back into their old hook up patterns? I said I agreed, friends is fine with me if nothing else, and it's about getting to know one another.
A then wanted to have FaceTime (video chat) and needed to masturbate, and I could watch if I wanted. Lol... I said I was tired and it was late, and they'd be quicker without me. A said they hadn't seen me in days, was A's fault, and just wanted to see me. I video chatted and A begged me to get undressed, but I said friends don't do that... (I did not say if that's something A considers pressure, oh well.)
I need outside perspectives. IMO, unknown to A, it's almost like they have very very mild Autistic traits (emotions, eye contact). And well... I still feel like a pretty blow up doll. I think I have the right to want some label-- I never asked for one, and it was A who made the dating exclusive, not I.
I'm very confused. I often question if A may use this attempt as another MO to get laid. I mean, what makes me so special to have a potential serious relationship with A if no one else has? Timing?
I know it's detailed, but I need advice on how to respond from now on before I do. I left a text message unanswered because I feel very unappreciated (and like a damn toy).
Thank you.
poster:NutsInc
thread:1050455
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20130811/msgs/1050455.html