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Re: update - losing a friend » Dinah

Posted by sleepygirl2 on May 19, 2013, at 13:44:06

In reply to Re: update - losing a friend » no rose garden, posted by Dinah on May 19, 2013, at 12:01:13

Dinah, you found some words I was looking for.
:-)
> Maybe it isn't the idea of either having a friend or not having a friend. Maybe the idea of "having a friend" can mean different things.

This is very true.
>
> It is possible to have a friend that you can say anything in the world to. Soulmates.

Those are few and far between, and hard to find. I'm very careful about that. There has to be some basic qualities within the person. They have to have integrity, morality, compassion, and consistency. I can't take that liking me one minute thing and not the next.
Maybe, rose, it could be helpful to think of what you want in the other person, as opposed to the idea that you're deficient in some way. What do they have to offer you?
And, I'm always trying to remember that it's good if not everyone likes you, because it means you stand for something or you are who you are despite the changing winds.
>
> But it's also possible to have friendships that are limited to what they are, but can still be enjoyable.

I have people I'm just friendly with, not much more than that. They've been confined to work or school, and not much beyond that. It takes a lot for me to feel really connected to someone.
>
> From what I understood by what you said, this was a situation where the two of you might have seen the degree of friendship differently. It's possible that this particular friendship can't be re-established. Who knows? It's possible that over time, a friendly relationship may be rebuilt. Or not. But there could be things you could learn from this friendship.

>
> I think therapists overdo the whole sharing bit. Sure, in an intimate relationship, it's very good to share your thoughts and feelings nearly always. But in a less intimate friendship, it might be better to limit disclosure until reciprocity is there. If you're usually the one disclosing, it might be a sign to step back.
>
> It does hurt to be with other people. It hurts to think we have something with someone that they don't think we have. I have definitely grown more guarded over time as I've felt hurt. Perhaps too much so.

I'm very careful. It's a risk to put yourself out there. I say, do it in degrees, manage your expectations, put yourself in situations where you're likely to interact, but are also focused on other things.... Like continuing Ed classes,, book clubs, stuff like that.
>
> But it doesn't have to be all or nothing. The inbetween isn't bad, really.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


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