Asperger's and missing out

This is a comment I left on a blog about Asperger's: http://aspergerscurse.wordpress.com on the topic of missing out on things in life and people bullying you. I thought I'd post it here too if anyone else is going through the same thing:

Hello I just found your blog and I'd like to say you're a very good writer who describes what the experience of having Asperger's Syndrome is like. My experience with Asperger's is almost identical to yours. I'm in my 30s and never had a serious romantic relationship. I was bullied and putdown throughout high school and university because of my differences and had to drop out when my depression and social phobia and dissociation worsened. I also work as a computer programmer, have very few real-life friends, and struggle everyday with loneliness and sadness, feelings like I will never belong or fit in with other people, feelings like I will never get married or have kids. But inspite of all this, I still have not lost my faith in myself, my love of the real good things that life, and the hope that things will get better. I want you to also keep this faith, hope, and love yourself.

I just want to tell you that you are a very special person, whether you believe this or not. All autistic children who go through mainstream schooling are bullied extensively, stigmatized, rejected, shunned, by both peers and teachers but through no fault of their own. I had the same experiences you had in high school; unfortunately high school is usually not a happy time for autistic kids or any kids with disabilities or developmental disorders. You have to understand that what you went through was in no fault your own but the result of pure discrimination, short-sightedness, and stupidity. I suspect you probably would never do to anyone what others do to you, but not everybody sees the world the way we do. There are a lot of people who will take advantage of people who are different, simply in order to make themselves feel better. What IS important is if you ever had any bad intentions towards anybody or ever did any of the things that were done you. If you can say no, or at least not many then that is ALL that matters. None of us have much control over what other people do to us, even the ones who consider themselves to be strong or fighters. I also don't want you to think of yourself as weak or cowardly. The weak and cowardly ones bully others. it takes courage not to fight back, to not to return what is done to you, to stand your ground and maintain your resolve. Have you ever held any evil thoughts or intentions towards anybody? That's the ONLY thing any human can be judged on. Some people are born with everything and they go through life without having to face any adversity or sickness. You should feel lucky that you have been given the strength that you earned through your difficult circumstances.

Regarding your situation with people on your job: people have a right to dislike you, but what they don't have a right to do is harass you or make you uncomfortable at your workplace or at your school. If people are making you uncomfortable and creating a hostile work environment, you MUST tell your boss -- tell your HR rep, other co-workers, as many people as you can. There are company regulations as well as laws against harassment of any kind. Aspies tend to not like confrontation and not report it when they are being harassed but you CANNOT allow anyone to repeatedly make you feel putdown to the point where it interferes with your happiness and performance at your job.

Asperger's causes you to experience things much more intensely than neurotypicals -- it may seem paradoxical given that people may see us as cold and unemotional and we have such a reduced sensitivity to physical pain, but it is the truth. You experience good and bad things much more intensely -- simple things give you more pleasure while seemingly minor things people do and say can hurt very much -- while having a hypersensitivity to things like noise, people talking, or temperature. Because of this and the inevitable problems they have in school, aspies tend to develop a unique set of psychiatric conditions. Depression, anxiety, and PTSD are epidemic among aspies going through adolescence to adulthood. Also aspies' unique inner experience and the enormous amount of talking we do to ourselves also causes many psychiatrists to wrongly diagnose us with some type of psychosis. Our emotional lability and tendency to depression and rage meltdowns can also cause misdiagnoses of bipolar. On a forum called Psycho-Babble I have posted in a thread about the different psych conditions a middle-aged persons with autism spectrum disorder could develop:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20120929/msgs/1032352.html
Psycho-Babble is the best place on the web to get help and support and education on psychiatric conditions and medication. I'd also encourage you to join here because there are a lot of people who understand what we're going through.

There are a lot of difficulties aspies experience because of their unique neurological makeup and problems with social cognition. There is nothing wrong with staring or having an unusual gait or posture however. People who make fun of you for it are just stupid and bigoted.

People with Asperger's feel loneliness much more acutely than others -- and this is coupled with the severe problems in social functioning all aspies face. However I want to tell you that you absolutely will find someone who loves you and makes you happy. Being in a true loving relationship has little to do with being perfect physically. Two of my male friends are married to girls who are 5' 0 and 5' 1 respectively. Most decent girls -- the kind somebody would truly want to make a life with -- only want another decent person in kind. Falling in love with somebody has nothing to do with how they look on the outside. More than half of the girls I know in real-life are between 5' 0- 5'4. No decent woman will ever reject you because you are 1 or 2 inches shorter than them. Mean, stupid people will harp on your flaws, but what about the good things about you? Are you a caring, loyal person? Would you ever lie to your girlfriend or cheat on a woman or do something to hurt her? These are the things that matter to decent women. The girls who want to date athletes and investment bankers etc., and rate people on their physical looks and how much money they have -- do you really want to be with somebody like that? Where do you think all of those women who made fun of you will be in a couple years time?

The only ugly people in this world are the people who are ugly inside. And the people who make fun of others who are different or disadvantaged to make themselves feel better -- they are the ugliest of all. Those women who harassed and put-you-down, do you think they will ever find somebody that would love them the way you will love your wife?

Even if somebody thinks you are short so what? No human being is perfect. We all have our preferences. I find some girls to be very pretty with their black hair. That doesn't mean I think there's anything wrong with blonde girls. Aspies tend to be very critical of themselves and feel like they have to be perfect -- but nobody is.

Most of the things in this world are not important and good for you. You see those kids on Jersey Shore -- do you think they are really happy? Where do you think they will be in a few years time? Will they have a job like yours or the qualities you have in your character? Whatever pain and loneliness you are going through -- you are going through for a reason. There's nothing important you've missed out. You're still young and till have a huge amount of time to fall in love and accomplish everything you want to do in life. Unfortunately all aspies tend to do is focus on our flaws and the difficulties we face in everyday life but never on the positive traits we have. There are a lot of positive things inside you that you should take some time to think about and write about.

Have you read any books on Asperger's? The first one I read was Tony Atwood's The Complete Guide To Asperger's and it was like opening a door that had been closed my entire life. I think my email should show up as a subscriber to your blog -- if you email me I can send you a lot of electronic resources I on Asperger's. There are a lot of cognitive and behavioural skills you can learn to compensate for your deficits in social cognition and emotional intelligence.

Online activities are a great way to socialize and to 'practice' social skils. Dating websites like eHarmony and plentyoffish are terrific for taking that first step and introducing yourself to someone with similar interests. But you can and should still try to talk to people in real life. Don't think that you're not courageous because you are; if you weren't then you certainly would not have got as far as you have in life facing the difficulties you have. But aspies have problems because they don't like to do things that they feel they are not perfect at or will look foolish and we never like confrontation. So if you want to go up to a strange woman and say hi just play a game of putting yourself in their shoes -- what would you do if somebody came up to you and said hi?

I can say a lot more but this comment is probably long enough -- if you email me we can talk some more. But when you feel lonely an dhopeless, you could read some stuff in the Bible. i found it to be very comforting, even if you don't believe in that stuff. Proverbs and Psalms and Job and Wisdom are all very comforting and really put the whole of life and what is considered to be worthwhile and what is not, into perspective.

C-PTSD: social phobia, major depression, dissociation.
Asperger's Syndrome.
Currently: 50mg amitriptyline single dose at night. 75mg Lyrica occasionally.
Significantly improving.

Asperger's and missing out

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