Posted by alexandra_k on January 7, 2011, at 21:49:23
So there is this guy I like. Quite a lot. He annoys me sometimes, but I guess that is a part of it. It is really very rare that I like someone in that way... And I found myself liking him. I knew that he had a girlfriend (he mentioned her every now and then) and I agonized for a bit about whether I should tell him how I felt or not. I was pretty sure there was chemistry, but he is a touchy-feely guy more generally so I wasn't 100% sure.
I decided to tell him (via email) because it is pretty rare that I feel that way. I figured that his conduct was his responsibility, and I wouldn't let anything happen while he had a girlfriend (who wasn't me) anyway. Said something about how I'd be up for going out somewhere public for coffee to talk about things if he wanted. A bit ambivalent about saying anything since he had a girlfriend, though...
Anyway, he said he was 'flattered, but'... at which point I stopped him because the message is pretty clear from that. Then later he said that his only interest in me was as a coach (he's giving me some informal coaching at the gym).
But then the flirting got more intense (or intense flirting developed even if there hadn't been much in the way of flirting before). Partly my fault, I guess (I know younger girls get younger girl kinds of crushes on him sometimes so I suppose I did want to indicate that my interest was more mature than that). But anyway, he seems to be indicating that he does find me attractive - though I know that that kind of attraction can come fairly cheap for most people, especially guys lol.
And he would say odd things where the subtext sounded like 'are you sure that you like me?' Stuff like 'you are taller than me' and then he would look to see my reaction. or 'but you have a masters degree' (a little intimidated). Like he couldn't quite believe that I would be interested in him.
The other guys started being a bit weird around me for a bit. Probably because they thought that I wasn't seriously into training, or that it didn't matter to me that he had a girlfriend, or because they worried that I might try doing the rounds with the different guys there or whatever. Took some time for them to realize that I was serious about training and that I only seriously flirted with him. That yes, I realized that he wasn't the strongest dude in the gym, but that it wasn't about that.
It is possible that he isn't attracted to me / that the chemistry isn't what I think it is. Apparently it is fairly common for women who start strength training seriously to start freaking out about the changes to their physique and developing an anxiety about starting to look mannish. It is possible that he is just trying to reassure me about that...
But then it is also possible that he doesn't realize how he does feel about me... Just a few things... Most guys who seriously strength train would love it if their girlfriend seriously strength trained, too. It is something fun to do together (and can be kinda hot, actually). Also, if you really are very into it then it can become a significant part of your life with the time you spend at the gym, the nutrition aspect, sleep, etc etc etc. So much easier / nicer if you are both on the same page with all that stuff... Of course that doesn't stop a whole bunch of guys going for the cardio bunny anorexic types... But I've surely seen a fair few guys try and introduce those girlfriends to strength training (though they screw up their faces and roll their eyes).
He said something (obviously not intending on being derogatory) about how his girlfriend 'works out' (which is derogatory when a person considers themselves to 'train'). They don't seem to do that together... One of the other guys was saying something about how he hadn't been at training for a while because he was having some trouble renovating the bathroom... And started talking about property - and he was like 'I'm not interested in property'. The guy was like 'well, you will be one day'. Then he looked at me a bit meaningfully and said 'so, what is your girlfriend like, then?' and he started saying... 'she works just across from me' (which is not likely to be forever and odd to say since i train just across from him' and 'she is a smart cookie' which is also odd for him to say... not that he needs any reason to prefer her but it did sound like he was trying (and not doing so well) at justifying things (partly to himself?) in that respect.
There are definitely moments when we have an intense connection - then one of us looks a bit sheepish and backs away. The other guys definitely notice it and I think that they do think that he is a bit odd for not appreciating me or how he feels about me or something like that. One of the guys was like 'you guys lifted then in perfect synchronicity' (innocent surprise) then looks at us meaningfully to gage our reaction... I'm sheepish. He's..; Oblivious. Then sheepish. Or something... When he can't make regular (club) training times he sometimes says 'hey, i'm going to train at this time if you, um, want some coaching advice' (making clear that it isn't a date). Even though mostly... While he does give me some advice... Mostly we are just training together these days...
Or maybe it is just my imagination and they are just hoping that I'll keep up with the training more generally.
Sigh.
Sorry about the rant... I guess I'm just having trouble with figuring out whether he just isn't into me (like he said) or going with his behavior more (which tells me that he is into me - but he doesn't seem to realize it...) I guess it doesn't matter much... Either way its kinda pointless...
It is just... I want to move on if there really isn't any hope. There are some other great guys there, too, and I'd be more open to getting to know them better if I felt that there really wasn't any hope with him. I don't want people to think that I'm doing the rounds or whatever, though... But the fact is that I don't feel feminine with someone who doesn't train at least as hard as me, and that is really important to me, and so that shrinks the pool considerably along with the places I'm likely to meet someone... And I'm realizing that I'm only attracted to guys with a certain physique (blame my upbringing with pacific island / maori rugby players for that i guess) though I also need to have respect for their intelligence (damn i can be picky :-( )
I guess I need to back off from flirting with him (I have been doing this over the past couple months). I do feel (for my own conscience) that I really wouldn't want to start going out with someone else before I could truly say that I wouldn't hook up with this other guy if he did start to find that jealousy was what was needed to make him realize how he felt, though. I know I'm a bit strange like that... But I don't like the sorts of dramas most people seem up for... And I certainly don't want to get a bad reputation there...
Give him another couple months... Then time to move on. I think maybe he is a bit younger than I had supposed... Or just emotionally younger... Or something... ANyway... Whatever.
Damn boys :-(
Still... I guess at least I've learned something about why I'm not attracted to most people and learned something about what kinds of people I am attracted to (so in a way the pool got a bit bigger than it was before)... With this guy... It is so easy to let moments of connection happen (both arousal and emotional closeness)... I feel sheepish about these, though, because I'd be damned upset if I was his girlfriend and knew he was having those moments with someone else. Need to stop with that... I don't want to be a withholding person... But I don't want to be / be thought of as a slut either... Damn him... :-(
Still... At least I feel SOMETHING. I suppose... It is good.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:976144
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20101219/msgs/976144.html