Posted by europerep on January 31, 2010, at 10:27:09
In reply to Gray Rape, posted by PollyFarm on December 31, 2008, at 2:40:14
now i know the initial post is already more than a year old, and i only found it by accident, but still i would like to weigh in here, because I quite strongly disagree with most of what has been said so far, and I think that I would have found some of the responses to be actually quite hurtful..
I don't like approaching such a situation, and the question whether it is gray rape or not, with, sort of, definitions at hand, checking which conditions are met, etc.. plus I think every couple has its own "rules" and ways to resolve this question sex/no sex, so I don't believe that there can be given universal answers.. also, for me the question of rape is not "binary" (rape/no rape), there is a lot of space in between.. that being said, however, I do not think that the situation here is explicable with the reasons given in the posts above..
first, a man doesn't have to be able to read minds to tell whether a woman wants to have sex or not.. even if men tend to be less sensitive etc., I think that the interpretation of basic body language is not such a difficulty.. plus, if this is the only problem here, so if it's just about a misunderstanding, then he would be more than willing to learn how to respect her decisions/feelings, etc.. there can, of course, always be a sort of "gray communication", but in a respectful relationship, noone would come to interpret this as a possible rape, and the reasons for this miscommunication can be relatively easy sorted out..
then, she does not have to fight against it to legitimize her claims of it being rape, what counts in the first place is that she does not dare saying "no!", and if she does, her husband starts an argument.. I mean, come on, no means no.. you can argue about why, etc., but her decision to say no is, in my eyes, not to be subject to any kind of discussion.. it's something different if she does not want to, but to do him a favor, she puts her own preference aside, but in that case, it is her who makes the decision for having sex..
this is also where I see the analogy of a child begging for something as flawed.. in this example, the mother gives in because she can't stand to see her child cry.. in the question discussed here, she prefers to evade any discussion with her husband because she fears the consequences (and not her husband being disappointed for the rejection of his pleas). it is true that her giving in does give him a certain legitimization, but that is only because he creates an environment where this seems to her be the less bad option.. I mean obviously he doesn't care about her feelings, or where is he when afterwards she is crying? if I were him, that would be so devastating to me..in the end, I have to say that describing this as "gray rape" is quite accurate..
as for the last, highly insensitive, post by manic.. you suppose that, because they have once had good, consensual sex, that she is obliged to keep up this "service" for him? she does not have to give reasons, justify, etc., if she says no she says no, that's it.. as I said, you can discuss the "why?", what has changed since the times you've had consensual sex, but nothing justifies this sort of "i only take what's mine-attitude"..
poster:europerep
thread:935491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100119/msgs/935491.html