Posted by JadeKelly on February 9, 2009, at 6:19:39
In reply to Re: Life starting over! An exciting challenge!!! » JadeKelly, posted by garnet71 on February 9, 2009, at 3:59:46
> Hey Jade!! I'm still up. I just found the little piece of paper on which I scribbled my endocronologist appointment; it is today at 8 am, in a couple of hours here.
>
> Thanks for taking the time to write all that!! But you know, I am not dwelling over N guy at all; I was being hard on myself for not preventing my life from falling apart (again). There could have been so much I could have done to prevent this, and it is probably more of a natural state of grieving than anything else. I had quit a very good paying job with great benefits, to complete my studies which entailed daytime classes. Had I not quit, my pension would be vested right now, and I would have lifetime medical benefits. It's not about him, it's about me.
>
> Needless to say, I have not not answered his texts/calls/emails for a few weeks now. It takes a lot of self-discipline in doing so; if I talk to him, he would offer to pay my mortgage payments and give me pseudo comfort-not out of benevolence, but out of manipulation, sadism, and for ostensibly self-serving purposes. I had done this in the past and have paid dearly for it-emotionally. If I fall prey to that again, he would punish me by devaluing me in passive-agressive, stealthly ways..it's complicated. Although I had never given up my independence for THAT, I was tempted at times-when things were very good with us (when I was fullfilling his fantasy, his ideal soul mate). I have vowed not to make that mistake again and am standing firm--no matter what happens.
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> But yeah, the last statement there was very, very lame and indicates a bit of self-loathing. Instead of directing anger at myself, I've recently had 'luck' with processing it via more healthy means. Sometimes, however, old habits are hard to break.
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> I've met some great people here, but after spending a month or so hanging around, I've come to the conclusion this forum is neither a safe nor a healthy place for me to be.
>
> Thanks for your concern and thoughtfulness. You are a strong and spirited woman!Thank you and your welcome!! I hope you find a place where you feel safe, and that I was of some help to you.
~Jade ;-)
poster:JadeKelly
thread:878398
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20090209/msgs/879063.html