Posted by ClearSkies on September 22, 2007, at 16:56:40
In reply to Always have to punish myself, posted by Fivefires on September 22, 2007, at 10:07:34
Hi 5f. I was talking to my T the other day about how difficult I find it to talk to my own FOO; how I try so very hard to put on the right hat and be the right kind of sibling to each of them. The sister needs me to be bossed around and told what to do; one brother needs me to share his speed impediment (he starts to sputter and lose words, and I stutter in response); my other brother's wit is sharp and ironic, so I wrap myself up into knots trying to be clever and plan my words so he won't think I'm dull and uneducated.
It's to the point where I don't dare pick up the phone to call them, and if they happen to see a blue moon and call me, I've been known to actually run from the room so that I won't have to talk to them on the phone.
My T put her finger on the problem when she said that I wasn't able to be myself with my siblings, and that my distress was in trying to make myself into what I thought each of them wanted me to be, and that I couldn't possibly succeed at being anybody but myself. Hence I run from the room, don't pick up the phone, don't write or email. Just sit and wish, pine really, that I was closer to my FOO than I am. It's about finding my identity and becoming happy with it. It scares the crap out of me that I'll never be able to do it, and instead I'll be doomed to sputtering and stuttering and gasping for words with my brothers and sister, 'til the end of our days.
Somehow, I think that it's not going to be that way. And somehow, I think that you too are going to be able to move beyond that protection that your father gave you (as did mine, from my siblings) and you'll become your own champion for 5f. Just as I'll become my own champion for ClearSkies, as incredible as it may sound right this moment.
But just as sure as we are noticing these things about ourselves, we are affecting a change in ourselves. It's inevitable. Just by noticing what we're doing, we're making it better. Don't doubt it for a second. Just the very act of being aware of what we are doing is enough to make a change, however subtle. In this, we have to have faith, simple faith. This is what I have been told, and it's what I have seen to be true.
So - something good will come of this, 5f. Because you noticed what you were doing.
take care, OK?
ClearSkies
poster:ClearSkies
thread:784463
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070827/msgs/784508.html