Posted by Fivefires on May 8, 2007, at 4:58:09
It's late here but I can't sleep.
What do I do when I feel my children .. no.
What do I do when I feel my children will be better off w/o me?
Don't talk of my selfishness 'in the manner always spoken of', but instead try to understand how I feel.
There is selfishness in taking from them, one in particular, the same one most all the time, the other two keep out of reach somehow.
So I take her .. very ltd time, her feelings of happiness when I call expressing my unhappiness, her freedom to feel she could move a thousand miles away from me, and, yes, even money.
Tonight she expressed her sadness w/ the manner I've spoken to her and acted towards her lately.
It hurts to hear her hurting because of my mouth and my actions.
The more 'my family of origin' pushes me away or imparts awful suggestions, the downer I go. I'm vulnerable.
I seem to have pulled my innocent daughter down w/ me. She tried to reach my fam of origin in an email and the responses weren't nice, directed at me, but hurting her badly.
Now, the one who has helped me the most is hurting by not only me, but by them also.
Did they know this would happen, come between us, causing more sadness for me, making me feel the need 'to attack' and then they can again point out how unworthy I am?
No one hurts my children w/o going through me first. There was a time, I would roar like a lion and it would be settled!
But, I've become intimidated by awful suggestions coming from them and derogatory remarks about me. I'm being left speechless, like a little mouse. Not me! I've lost me.
They are four and my m*ther. They invalidate and say suggestive things that eat away at me.
Yes, I love them. My heart is too big. No. I can't put up a wall around my heart. I've never been able to do so.
My mother sounds cold and doesn't say a word when one of the others criticizes me. It's validating 'her'. I feel she wants nothing more to do with me and wishes to pawn me off on my children.
No, my children cannot be w/ me often, and they are not allowed to take care of me. I won't let it happen. Anyway, I don't need to be cared for, like a child.
I only need some phone calls and some love.
Is this about 'my father and I being closer' to one another than any of the other 'five'? Or, is this about my sibs not receiving full inheritances, maybe having to give up a little bit for me? Is it about a family in total denial? Is it just plain selfishness?
My children are all very very busy, successful your adults.
I'm running out, and not just of ideas. Strength, hope.
There is a big empty place where my Dad, Mother and siblings, used to live, in my heart. Upon returning from Dad's funeral, I reached towards my mother for comfort and she pushed me backwards, saying 'I'm not Dad'.
Can someone make some sense for me pls?
5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:756730
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070502/msgs/756730.html